#at the doctors office now and will update after the removal if anyone cares

[singinginthelondonrain]

it’s been a five year journey with my kyleena IUD and over ten years on hormonal birth control but I am DONE!

[like-rain-or-confetti]

Request: Near Death (Volturi Leaders x Reader)

WARNING: Major Injuries! Near Death Situations! 

Disclaimer: I am not a doctor or in the medical profession. I did some google searches for the themes mentioned. Such injuries usually take weeks to months of healing not to mention rehabilitation. I’ve had to condense this process down significantly. 

Alice's eyes shifted rapidly, panic etched across her face. Jasper held her hands, sitting beside her. It was his attempt to comfort her but she didn't seem to recognise he was even there, too caught up in the vision as well as the panic. She wouldn't even explain what was happening before her. Alice begged for someone to contact the Volturi. However Carlisle was at work and no one else knew if he'd have a direct line to them. 

Regardless, Alice continued to plead to inform the Volturi. Inform them of what, it was yet to be known. She wouldn't say. "What is it Alice?" Jasper asked again, trying to get her attention as Emmett typed away on the laptop. "We're going the long way." He said hurriedly as Rosalie grabbed the phone. She looked over Emmett's shoulder as she dialled. She didn't even spare whoever it was on the other end of the phone a greeting. "This is Rosalie Cullen and you need to pass the phone to the Volturi immediately! No, not just a guard! Aro! Anyone! Just do it!" Rosalie turned her attention to Alice. "Alice, you need to tell us what's happening now!" 

Everything was peaceful in the Volturi castle. Yet the receptionist seemed to start pandemonium in a matter of seconds. She hurried to the first guard she could find who had been Jane. She stared the human down as the receptionist hurriedly relayed that Rosalie Cullen was on the phone and had to talk to the leaders. All in fluent hurried Italian with fear of the situation as well as fear of Jane. Jane silently took the phone, telling the human to go back to her post which she did. "Rosalie?" Jane said into the phone. "Jane!?" "Yes?" "Jane, this is an emergency. You need to go to Aro immediately!" "What is this about?" "Don't ask questions, just do it!" Rosalie snapped. All the while Jane could hear a panicked Alice Cullen in the background rambling. Jane huffed but complied. 

Jane moved briskly into the throne room, moving into the middle, phone in hand with a stern expression upon her face. "Masters, pardon the intrusion but Rosalie Cullen is on the phone. She deems it is an emergency. I believe I may have heard (Y/N)'s name." The three suddenly had all their attention on Jane. "Jane!? Jane are they there!?" Jane put the phone onto speaker. "We're all here and can hear you." "Alice had a vision about (Y/N). Some thing is happening!" 

Rosalie's attention moved back to Alice. "Alice! They're on the phone! You need to tell us what is happening!" "I chased it!" Alice cried out. "I chased the vision. I saw (Y/N) in a car and i think it was about to crash!" There was silence on both ends, only Alice saying a word. "I'm trying to see further!" Alice continued to talk, no one else able to say a word. "I saw them lying there in a hospital bed, please let me be wrong! Please!" Suddenly Alice screamed and the three leaders rushed towards Jane who still had the phone. "Alice, what is happening!?" Aro demanded. "They...it crashed. They...they're not moving!" 

Charlie Swan kept his hand on his radio, listening in for any updates. More police had been called in when it was discovered the driver who collided into the taxi vehicle was very drunk. He had been speeding whilst intoxicated and both vehicles were absolutely destroyed. The taxi driver had so many injuries that he couldn't be properly identified. It was clear the man was dead. He had to have died instantly. His passenger on the other hand wasn't so easy to determine. Although Charlie recognised them immediately. You were a family friend of Carlisle's. 

The paramedics on scene determined it was necessary to remove you from the vehicle. So with help from officers, they did. You were laid on the cold ground. From what Charlie could hear, you were barely clinging on and completely unresponsive. You had to be taken to hospital immediately. That was when Charlie could get a better look at you. You were in very bad shape and covered in blood from your head. Never would he know, as his thoughts went to the Cullen family, Alice had already seen the image of your unconscious body and unable to hold back, she screamed. 

Before the three Volturi leaders decided they'd immediately go to America, another phone call was received this time from Carlisle. Half an hour after Alice's phone call. "Are they alright?" Aro asked. Carlisle was silent in the other end of the phone before finally answering. "We nearly lost them on the way to the hospital. They're condition is very unstable right now. However we're doing everything we can to stabilize them. We'll be working on them all night. I'd ask that you wait for my next call before you leave." "You ask that we stay here whilst our mate is over there and injured!?" Caius seethed. "I need your trust. I will do everything I can. As soon as I have more answers, I'll give them to you and we can go from there." "Carlisle..." Marcus finally spoke up. "Are they going to make it through the night?" There was silence again. "I will do everything in my power to make sure that the next time we speak, (Y/N) is stable and we can arrange for you to come. I'm sorry, I can't give you anything more than that." Marcus clenched his eyes shut turning away. Aro and Caius knew what he was thinking immediately. He couldn't go through this again, losing another mate. Caius wanted to demand that you be changed but he knew that wasn't possible in your condition and where you were. There was too much attention surrounding you. 

Hours passed and the silence from Carlisle was slowly killing the three leaders. Caius was the first to break the silence. "We should never have left them there." His voice was quiet- which was very unlike him. "It's what they wanted." Aro replied softly. "We wanted them here." Caius shot back. "We don't even know how this happened." "We will." Aro responded. "We need to have hope that (Y/N) pull through." "If they don't?" Caius asked. "That's not an option." Aro replied. 

For twelve hours, a different kind of silence lay over the Volturi castle- a heavier one. The three perked up as the phone rang again. Caius and Marcus stood up sharply. Marcus had his hands covering his nose and mouth, pure anxiety hitting the man at this point. Aro was the one who answered the phone. "Hello, Aro. We were operating all night. I have good news and bad news. I will start with the good. (Y/N) is alive and significantly more stable." Marcus exhaled, falling back into his chair, Caius putting a hand on Marcus' arm to steady him. Caius' hand stayed on Marcus' arm as he glared into the phone as though trying to pry out more information. "They are?" Aro responded. "Yes. Although I'd ask you all be sitting down for the bad news. It's quite hard hitting and extensive." Caius grumbled but also sat back down. "Go on, friend." Aro said.  "(Y/N)'s injuries are mostly in their head and torso. Their legs are badly bruised but not broken. They have minor cuts in their hands and arms from the glass shattering. We believe they moved their arms to cover their face. Their spine is bruised but not broken. Upon the investigation with the police, (Y/N) was jolted multiple times upon impact. Their face is bruised but I couldn't feel any fractures or breaks. Unfortunately we discovered more serious injuries upon further inspection which forced us to operate. (Y/N) has broken ribs which punctured her organs and caused internal bleeding. We have since stopped the bleeding and corrected the breaks within their ribs which will be healing in weeks. However, I must inform you that (Y/N) has not been responsive or conscious during their observation period. We have discovered that (Y/N) has minimal brain activity." "What does that mean?" Aro asked quietly. "It means that (Y/N) is in a coma." "Carlisle, I don't know what that means." Aro said flatly but his jaw had begun to clench. "It means that (Y/N) is alive but cannot be woken up. They show no sign of awareness and is unresponsive to their environment. Sometimes the extensive injuries cause the brain to shut down to minimal activity so that the healing process can take place. They are currently in a vegetative state and at this time, all we can hope is that they will at one point wake up on their own." "Can we go to them?" Marcus asked. "I have to keep in what we are and I think it's best if you make that decision, wary that the smell of their blood will be stronger." Carlisle answered. "It will take us a few days." Caius continued, the other two leaders no longer able to speak. "Surely that would be enough for that to settle." "Of course. All I ask is that you prepare yourself to see them. It will be a shock and I will need to prepare you before hand regardless." 

When those days passed and the three leaders had arrived. They discovered there had been no change in your condition. Carlisle had somehow been able to get you transported to his home given the relationship he had with you. Therefore he would be able to care for you, just as he had in the hospital. However, as unconventional as it was, the hospital insisted they remained updated with your condition. 

The three leaders and Carlisle stood outside your room, Carlisle put his hand on the handle. Before they'd enter your room, Carlisle warned the three again. "You'll see them attached to a lot of machinery. Keep in mind it's a very good sign that (Y/N) is breathing on their own, however they do have apparatus to help them breathe better. Although I am more concerned that their visible injuries will be shocking for you." "Thank you for preparing us, friend." Aro said passively and Carlisle opened the door. The three were around your bed in moments. All exhaling with horror and heartbreak. 

You looked more fragile than you had ever. Purple, black and blue bruises across your body from what they could see. However the cuts in your hands seemed to be the first thing to really heal. "Why not change them now?" Caius said flatly trying to hide his emotions but the way he physically sank into himself, as well as the broken look in his eyes, he was broken by the very sight of you. Carlisle shook his head. "They can't be changed. Not until they wake up." "Why?" Caius asked sternly. "Because right now there is a chance that they won't wake up. Changing them won't fix this. We need to give them time." "So we sit and do nothing and hope they wake up!?" Caius snapped. "You're role is just as important and it's vital that you do it. Be there with them, talk to them, comfort them because I can't do that. You're their mate." Carlisle responded before turning to Aro. "All we can hope is that they wake up and then we'll take it from there." Marcus lightly touched your hand. "Do they knew we're here?" "Comas aren't so clear. We don't know if they can hear us." Carlisle responded. "Regardless it's important you interact with them because it may prompt their brain to respond to stimuli. Even if you don't get a response. It'll help." "Thank you, Carlisle." Aro said with a blank stare. Carlisle nodded. "I'm so sorry that I couldn't fix this." Carlisle said with sympathy and some guilt. Aro nodded. "You did everything you could." "I had really hoped for a better outcome. That they'd be awake for you arriving." Aro smiled slightly. "We all had that hope, nevertheless, our mate is alive because of you. For that, we are grateful." "Carlisle?" Caius spoke up, his fingers coaxing your hand gently into his. "How did this happen?" "The accident?" Carlisle asked. Caius nodded. "A drunk driver, speeding and collided into the car (Y/N) was in. The one driving in (Y/N)'s vehicle died instantly." Caius mouth twisted in hatred. "A human...nearly killed our (Y/N) because they were intoxicated?" Carlisle slowly nodded. "Don't tell us who it was." Marcus said gravely, his eyes stuck onto you. "If you do, we won't hesitate to kill him." "Laws, be damned." Caius agreed. "One more thing..." Marcus spoke up, finally tearing his eyes from you and towards Carlisle. "Are they in pain? Right now and before. Has (Y/N) suffered?" Carlisle shook his head. "They haven't been conscious and now that we know they're in a coma. I can safely say that haven't felt a thing. Due to the minimal brain activity and unresponsiveness, they won't feel any pain. None of their senses are working." Carlisle continued. "Remember what I said, the most random of interactions at any time can be picked up and that's the first sign of waking up." 

Aro was the first to really approach you. He ran his fingers across your cheek. He couldn't see anything from the accident onwards. He didn't dare lose hope that you were still in there though. "Hello, beautiful. We're here now." He said softly, kissing your forehead. Caius silently looked at his brother. Watching as he doted over you with ease. He couldn't help but feel a pang of jealousy, wishing he could move past his emotions and do the same. However the most he had been able to accomplish was lightly touching their hand, coaxing it into his own. It wasn't the same, your hand was described as the rest of your body. Unresponsive. His touch went unnoticed and he had never longed for even a twitch in your body. Some movement that told him you were there. However his silent pleads went ignored and you didn't move.  Aro smiled at his brothers, seemingly knowing what they were feeling and why they hesitated. "You need to think of it like they are here because for all we know, they are. They've been waiting for us."

Sometimes all three stayed with you, other times they took turns individually, each growing to find comfort that you were still alive and it's easier to think you were still in there. When it was Caius' turn. You'd have been shocked as he had closed himself off from everyone, barely speaking a word whether in company or left alone with you. Caius seemed to struggle the most with your condition. He struggled to see past it. Struggled with knowing you weren't conscious and you didn't know he was there. He found it more difficult to talk to someone who wouldn't give even the smallest sign they had heard him. 

The first thing he did was approach your bedside, hovering over you to kiss your forehead. Caius whispered something to you, in that moment, unable to care whether you could hear it or not. The relief had finally sank in that you had survived the accident. "Thank you for not dying." He pulled up a chair beside you. "I never thought I'd see you like this." Caius softly admitted. "Forgive me. I find it difficult to talk to you. I know it could help. I look at you and the pain in my chest only grows bigger. So much that I'm unable to talk. I want to be optimistic like everyone else. Talk to you because you will eventually wake up. I want that more than anything. Instead I can only stare as my heart breaks over and over again because someone hurt my (Y/N) and I wasn't here to protect you." Caius paused, his eyes running over you. "Marcus says that you look peaceful. Like your sleeping. I think to myself about how deluded that sounds. Even looking at you now. This isn't you sleeping. All I see is your body laying there. Day in and day out." Caius sighed. "So I must ask of you, please sweetheart." Caius leaned closer. "Please, fight to wake up. Let us see those beautiful eyes again. What I wouldn't do to see that wonderful smile again." Caius trailed off, the small reminiscing smile falling from his friend. "I know it's a lot to ask. Please understand that I have to. If you can hear me, please fight to wake up and come back to us." 

Aro was the most capable of them all to speak to you. He did so with ease and without hesitation. "Hello cara mia." He smiled as he kissed your forehead. "All of that bruising is healing nicely. Some of the smaller ones are gone. Isn't that wonderful?" Aro gently held your hand. "The guard have been asking about you, perhaps we'll let them see you soon. Once some of more these cuts and bruises heal. You'll get a break from Caius, Marcus and I too." Aro hummed in amusement. "As tempted as we were to bring the full guard. Perhaps that wouldn't have benefited anyone. “The twins are here with us and we're expecting Felix and Demetri within the next couple of days. We'll all be here when you're ready to wake up." Aro leaned closer. "I know you will, my love. You will wake up. Do it even to spite Caius for being a pessimist." Aro smiled slightly. You had always enjoyed challenging Caius and in all honesty it was enjoyable to watch. "We will help you. Even after you wake up, you'll have us at your side. We'll get through this together." 

Marcus gently cradled you hand between is own, lightly kissing the back of your hand. He stared at you, for the longest of time. He noticed the soft fall and rise of your chest but other than that, so still. Finally Marcus broke the silence. "I've been trying to think of what I could say to you. Aro is better than Caius and I at this. As you know." Marcus continued after a moment of thought. "Although Aro has his faults. We never told you it was Caius who was determined you'd stay with us. He took one look at you and that was it. You had his heart and he whether we agreed or not. You would be with us." Marcus wore a small smile. "He convinced me to put a little trust in you. He was right. You have given me so much joy and love in the time we've been together that, you asking to stay was a sacrifice I was willing to make. We were all willing to make. So I'd like to ask you to make a sacrifice for us, my beautiful (Y/N). I want you to wake up. I want you to claw your way back to us if you have to. Although I'm aware that given your condition you might not want to. That might be too much for you to face alone in your mind but I need you to know you're not alone. We're waiting for you, sweetheart." Marcus leaned towards your ear. "Make sure you come back to me, okay?" 

One day the Volturi came back from their hunt to an absolute miracle. Carlisle was waiting for them when they arrived with a smile. "We have progress." The three could barely stop themselves from bombarding into your room. "They're out of the vegetative state." Carlisle explained. "Right now, as we speak, they are sitting up." Caius and Marcus inhaled sharply as Aro smiled. "I need to you to know that (Y/N) isn't awake. They can't see or hear us yet but their eyes will be open and they're beginning to register touch. Whilst they didn't respond to holding my hand, they did move away slightly because I'm colder and will move if in any discomfort. They won't talk yet either but regardless this is a very good sign." 

The four entered the room to find you sitting up. You were hunching over slightly, your eyes drifting ever so slowly at times. As Carlisle had said, you weren't focused at all and didn't seem to notice that they were there. Your eyes and hands were a major give away. Your hands were limp whilst your eyes seemed a little glazed over. Carlisle moved to your side, taking the cup of water at your bedside before putting it to your lips. To the leaders surprise, you leaned into the cup and actually drank it's contents. Aro moved closer whilst Caius' and Marcus were so taken aback they were rendered speechless. "Did they sit up on their own?" Aro asked. "No, they're still healing. I was checking on them and I couldn't help but notice that their eyes were opening. Once their eyes were completely open. We gently helped them sit up. They've been sitting like this for forty-five minutes." Carlisle finished with a smile. "It's working?" Aro asked. "Interacting with them? Yes." Carlisle smiled. "However I do think I'll get them to lie back down now. Everyday, we'll get them to sit up for a short time." That being said, Carlisle lay you back down gently. Your eyes remained open, continuing to focus on nothing. 

A day passed and whilst the leaders were spending time with you together, they noticed a small change. You were lying down, eyes open. Caius was mumbling into your ear, his head hovering inches over yours. His eyes narrowed on you when he noticed that your eyes drifted towards him but this time your eyes stayed drifting to the side he was on. You blinked, your eyes shifting back slightly up and down motions. "(Y/N)? Can you hear me?" Caius asked softly, getting Aro and Marcus' attention. Aro immediately got Carlisle who looked you over. He insisted that Caius continued speaking to you and didn't move as he did so. Carlisle and Caius both kept their gaze on your eyes, that still hadn't moved on from Caius' vicinity. "Judging by the eye movement, I appears to be (Y/N) is trying to focus on something which is a very good sign." Caius smiled down at you lovingly. "I'm here, sweetheart." His voice barely above a whisper. 

The next sign came at random. The next day Marcus had your hand in his with a very light grip, his fingers barely curling around your hand. Whilst your hand occasionally twitched you didn't seem to really notice his hand, only the cold temperature. That was until your hand shifted again. This time you curled a finger slightly around his own. The movement had Marcus watching you intently but you made no other sign. You had the leaders on the edge of their seats every given moment. Yet you seemed to take your time, taking the moments they least expected to startle them. Although regardless, they would be patient. They'd wait forever if they had to. 

It wasn't too long after that day that you shocked the leaders again. Caius and Aro had laid on either side of you. Marcus was beside your legs. Your head was tilted towards Caius as he ran a cold fingers up and down your hand as the three spoke to you. Once again your eyes shifted to Caius, who was significantly closer to your head than anyone else. Your eyes passed Caius as they had hundreds of times, trailing back and forth. Then they stopped, directly on Caius' face. Caius ran his thumb across your cheekbone before noticing your eyes hadn't moved. "(Y/N)?" He said gently, getting both leaders attention. All three stared at you for a moment before you took a deep breath, blinked and moved your head. However your eyes were different now. Their was cognition behind them. The leaders had seen you move before so they had to be sure. "(Y/N)?" Marcus said and your head turned to him. You had heard them. The three gasped, you were awake. "Hello, sweetheart." Aro smiled widely. "oh grazie ... grazie, tesoro." Caius sighed in relief, mumbling Italian under his breath. Marcus couldn't tear his eyes from you. 

As Aro stood up to get Carlisle, Marcus took his place. He didn't even dare to blink. Your eyes followed him as he moved beside you. "Can you hear us?" You made a slightly nodding motion before reaching out slowly, cupping his cheek. Your brow began to furrow and the two grew increasingly worried. 

In that moment, Carlisle entered the room along with Aro. "Well, well, look who's awake." Carlisle smiled warmly. "Hello, (Y/N)." Carlisle moved beside Marcus. "Can you hear me?" You tried your best to nod again, against the aches of protest in your back. "Good. I imagine you're very confused right now and you should know it's perfectly fine to feel that way. You may not remember but you were in a car accident and fell into a coma. You've been unconscious for many days now. You're injuries were severe but you are healing and I'll run some tests on you to see how you're doing. There's absolutely nothing to worry about. You may feel some slightly discomfort or pain, you're on very heavy pain killers. The best you can do it relax and rest." You looked down at your bruised body. Carlisle was right. There were aches and pains all over but a numbness too. The mixture made you aware that whilst you felt some pain, you weren't feeling even half of it. Carlisle continued but his voice was so low that only the leaders could hear him. "They'll likely feel irritability and confusion. Comfort them and try to be patient. It'll take some time for them to come to terms." 

When Carlisle left, you were still looking down at your body, brow furrowing and tears welled up in your eyes. Marcus moved a hand to your face, getting your attention, your eyes met his before you swallowed hard, lip quivering slightly. Your sobs were silent but heavy at first, wracking your body. As your sobs continued they grew louder, the closest thing to your voice they had heard in days. "Oh tesoro." Aro said softly as Caius shifted further down the bed. Your sobs now jutting your shoulder into his chest but he didn't mind. Slowly and gently, he put his arm across your waist, the best he could do to hug your frail body. His head against yours with his eyes shut. Marcus took your other hand, pressing a kiss to it before leaning into it. They let you cry and you cried until you fell asleep. 

When you woke up. Marcus and Aro were gone, leaving Caius and another two visitors. Felix and Demetri smiled at you. "You scared the hell out of us." Felix said to you. "My heart was nearly jumpstarted after centuries only to have a heart attack." It was rough but a hum of amusement escaped you. Felix was always able to make you laugh and now more than ever, Caius appreciated it. Caius smiled down at you, lightly tracing patterns against your hairline. 

The visits were lovely distractions from the pain in your body, but you couldn't help but be more aware of it every passing day. The cycle of all it. You wake up, get more pain medication that led you to be as high as a kite and then the small moments of clarity clicked in when you realised, you weren't okay. You were bloodied and bruised, scarred from surgeries and your brain slow and fogged from being in a coma. You tried to be happy and swallow the pain and fear for your mates if not for yourself but the more coherent you became and the more you healed, the less medication you needed. Finally left with the simple knowledge that you weren't okay. You were so lost in thought that you didn't even notice your mates trying to get your attention. You looked over to the three, worry etched upon their faces. After a moment, you reached your arm out to Aro. He took your hand with ease, before he looked back to you. "Cara mia, we know. You can feel this way. We're here to help you no matter how you feel each day." Caius and Marcus looked to Aro for an explanation. "(Y/N) isn't feeling too well today. It's a bit much, they're a little overwhelmed but have been trying to put in a brave face." You knew Aro would give them more detail out of your ear shot and whilst grateful, even that made you want to cry. Caius immediately turned to you, his hand immediately reaching out for your arm. "Look at me." He said firmly but quietly. "We love you, no matter what. Having you here with us, alive is the greatest gift you could have ever given us. Don't you dare, hold back any emotion you are feeling for us or for anyone." 

 A few days later, Carlisle began his daily routine, checking in on you and your injuries. "Hello, (Y/N)." Carlisle smiled at you and you did your best to smile back. "How are you feeling today?" You held a hand out, palm down. "Somewhere in between? That's better than before." Carlisle smiled. "I'm going to ask you some simple questions, I know you can't talk yet, but don't worry you shouldn't have to with these. That will come soon." Carlisle assured you. "Remember, slow and gentle movements. I'll pick them up better than you think." You smiled slightly at the tease. "How old are you?" He asked. Without having to think about it, you held up the appropriate fingers. "Very good!" He praised with a smile. "Didn't even hesitate. How many movies did you watch last night?" You promptly held up two fingers. "Very nice. How many mates do you have?" You didn't seem to notice how intently the leaders stare was but it was more than likely you were used to that by now. You held up three fingers. "Alright and where are they?" Carlisle asked. You pointed to the three leaders. "Great. This is a very good sign. Your response times are very good." Your injuries had cleared much more, the bruising on your body no where near as bad as before. The swelling in your face barely noticeable as well as any cuts you had. You ribs where the biggest problem if anything. However you still hadn't said a word. That was Carlisle's next goal now that he knew your memory was in tact. 

"Alright, you may not like me today." Carlisle warned you with a smile and you looked at him with confusion and dread, wondering what sort of test he'd out you through now. "This one will be a little more complicated but today, you're going to try and talk." Your eyes widened a fraction, dread completely over taking your confusion. "We'll start with names, specifically, the names of your mates." You scrunched up your face. They didn't have the easiest of names as it was. "I assure you, once you get used to talking, you won't have to think twice about it. We'll start easy. Try to say Aro's name." You took a breath, thinking hard before being unable to hold back a smile. Never had talking seemed to complicated? Like you had to think about using your mouth and creating the sounds you wanted. "Take your time and be patient with yourself. Let your brain wake up." The expression on your face said a thousand words. First, curse Carlisle. Secondly, this is embarrassing. Thirdly, if you mess up Aro's name you'll never forgive yourself. Lastly, you are so sorry if you mess up his name. Aro couldn't help the small chuckle escaping him, the other two smiling in amusement. "A...Aro." With so much concentration, you had shut your eyes, testing it out. Your voice was a little scratchy from not using it in a while but it was still clear. "There you go, one down. Can you try to say Caius?" "C..." You paused trying to think it through. "Cai...Caius." You finally forced out and Aro giggled with glee, Caius reaching out for your hand. "Alright, this is the more difficult one. It'll require a little more brain power. Marcus." You remembered the motion to make a 'M' sound. That being the difficult part of the name. It took a few more pauses but you slowly managed it out. "Well done." Carlisle smiled. "So since you didn't need promoting on how to say these things, I'm confident you could start talking just fine. Just remember to be patient with yourself." 

Soon after showing the extend of your talking and cognitive abilities, Carlisle told you that it wouldn't be long before you got to go home. The leaders were delighted, more than eager to bring you to Italy and finally put this nightmare behind them. "How did you do it? How did you cope when I was out?" You asked, finally finding the courage to do so after all this time. Aro and Marcus looked at each other and to your surprise Caius responded. "We pretended you could hear us, that you were with us. I found it the most difficult."  "I don't think I could have done this without you." You admitted quietly. "You could have." Marcus replied. "It is us who couldn't have survived without your strength." "We wouldn't have it any other way." Caius added softly. "When you're better, we're bring you with us back to Italy." Aro smiled at you. "We almost had to live without you. Now we can't stand the thought of you being so far from us." Caius explained.

[girlmeetsliv3]

Cruel Liaisons

~~ Previously Lingerlust ~~

A/B/O!MiniMoni x Reader; Poly BTS

“When one strikes the heart of another they seldom miss, and the wound is invariably fatal.”

Release Date: May 7th, 2021 @ 12:15 p.m. (GMT-5)

Apologies for the late update. Hope you enjoy it.

Trigger Warnings: blood and gore.

February 2nd, 2022

           “Please state your name for the record.”

           “Jeon YN.” YN stared at the recording machine in front of her, it looked antiquated like the type that wasn’t automatically connected to a cloud or storage system. “Those types have to be manually saved. Which can come in handy.” The officer’s cleared their throats, drawing back YN’s attention. What were their names again? “We need you to state your sub-gender as well.” The one on the left spoke lowly, his voice coming out a bit tense and nervous. “Beta.” When YN tried to smell them, she noticed both were wearing scent blockers, though her sense of smell was never her strong suit.

           “This is officer Park Sooyoung and officer Kim Jisoo.” The taller one stated, her tone dull, as if she rather be anywhere else. Judging by the bags under her eyes and the large cup of coffee in front of her – a bed seemed to be her choice. Officer Kim reached to the ground and placed a file on the desk, she opened it to reveal a series of photographs; five to be precise. Males and females from around a same age group are placed with one female in the center, she looks strangely familiar to YN. The rounded tip of her nose and arched brows but she can’t quite place the face. There is someone YN does recognize though, a face she saw just a few days ago.

           “Anyone you recognize?” Officer Kim asks, her tone is serious but airy. The smile on her face after every sentence lets YN know that she’s the ‘good cop.’

           YN points at the second photo from the left, “Him. I saw him in a missing persons ad on the news, but he didn’t look this old.” They had likely picked a picture from when he was younger, the man on the news held a bright smile. His jawline sharp and his cheekbones high but not defined. The man in the photograph in front of her had a pronounced jawline, hollow cheeks, and an ugly scowl that did nothing to mar his features. ‘K.T’ read the bottom.

        ��  “What news channel and around what time?”

           “KBS, maybe late evening. I watch it before I go to sleep.”

Both officers nod, as Park shifts around on her seat. Now facing directly at YN, resting both elbows on the metal table. “Are you aware of the reason you were brought into the station today?” Officer Kim jumps in before YN can answer, “Just so you know you aren’t being charged with anything.”

Yes. “No, I don’t know.” She shrugged, keeping her eyes level and gaze neither too intense nor too bored.

“You’re here due to your affiliation with Alpha’s Kim Namjoon and Park Jimin,” Park spoke, “They’re your employers, correct?” There was an edge to her voice that YN recognized. Many people weren’t fond of them – many had a reason not to be.

“Yes.” YN nods.

“How long have you worked for them?” Kim asks.

YN notes how neither women are writing anything down, nor looking towards the one-sided mirror behind them. Are they perhaps recording this with a second device? If that’s the case it's not just her voice YN must be cautious of, but her expressions as well. “Around nine months, I’m their housekeeper and take care of Hyunwoo.” After a bit of silence from the police, she elaborates more, “I cook, clean, and help the child with his homework.”

“That’s quite a lot for just one person. Especially considering you have little background in those areas before you were hired, correct?”

They’re trying to bait me. “I’m used to doing those things at home.” YN shrugs, she can see the growing frown on Park’s features.

“How exactly did you hear about the job?” Kim leans forward, but one of her hands drops below the table. Park’s eyes dart over to her partner for a second, but YN catches it. Kim likely gave her a signal or something like a reassuring squeeze, YN hopes it’s the latter. “What was the hiring process like?”

“From an acquaintance Dr. Sihyuk.” Both officers nod along, they don’t seem to recognize the name. “Bang’s dead. Unlikely anyone will find something there.” They always knew to cover their bases. “Um, normal, I guess. I sent in an application and then had an interview.”

“You made a lot of money as the Kim’s housekeeper. Did you never ask yourself where that money was coming from?” It seemed the officers were done trying to be subtle.

“No, it wasn’t my place. Plus, most of the money I earned went into paying family debts.”

“Do you know Kim Namjoon’s or Park Jimin’s source of income?”

“Again no. I just did what I was supposed to do.”

“You never thought to ask?”

“No.”

Sooyoung smirks, “Interesting how everyone around the Kim’s just accepts things at face value. Their co-workers, drivers, bodyguards, even their housekeeper just does what their told. You weren’t even a little bit curious as to how they could possibly afford the lifestyle they have?”

“Curiosity killed the cat.” YN’s arms were clenching around the chair, trying to hold herself back from reacting negatively to the hassling.

“But we aren’t cats.” Sooyoung remarks and for a second YN feels like she’s lost a battle. Jisoo points to the picture in the center, it's a beautiful young woman with flowy hair and a bright smile. Her delicate features give away her omega nature. Though the closer YN inspects the picture, they’re bags under her eyes, permanent frown lines etched onto her face, a hollowness to her eyes. She looks somewhere between life and death. “Do you recognize this woman? You lingered on her a bit longer than the rest of them.”

The longer YN stares at her the more she starts to piece things together, but it still feels like she’s missing something. So she gives a generic answer. “She looks kind of familiar. Has that kind of face.”

“What kind of face?” Jisoo questions.

“Like…pretty, popular, all over billboards kind of face.”

It's enough to satisfy them for now. They slowly start removing all the pictures while leaving only the woman’s, the longer YN sees it the more unnerved she becomes. Her head begins to hurt as another migraine begins to pound at her temples. Creating a sort of hazy fog over YN’s mind. Both officers’ then hold up the picture and flip it revealing a picture of the same woman holding a young child wrapped in blankets. She looks so much happier, so full of life. Instantly YN places her, recognizing the toddler wrapped in blue velvet.

“This is Hyunwoo’s mother. The last time anyone saw her alive was three weeks ago when she just so happened to be having dinner with your employers.” Fuck.

Present

           YN’s phone dings as another text from Mark appears on her screen: ‘boss wants to know when you’ll start paying?’ She groans exhaustedly, responding with ‘I have been paying. He gets half my salary every week.’ Which hasn’t made living very comfortable for YN, but she makes do with what she can.

           Mark: It’s not enough princess, not with the way daddy’s been spending money.

           Me: What am I supposed to do if you keep giving him money?!

           Mark: That’s not up to me. So, the money?

           Me: I’m looking for a second job. One that pays better.

           Mark: Just go sell your eggs or something. Not like you have any use for them.

           “Asshole.” YN muttered, muting her notifications. She looked up to the entrance of the fertility clinic debating whether or not to go in. It wasn’t like she had much of an option; she needed the money and fertility clinics were the only ones willing to provide big sums of money fast. Not to mention she had missed a day of work to make the appointment, which meant less money to give to Mark. I hate this. I hate this so much. YN was about to walk away, leave everything when she spotted a black BMW parked on the curve. Its driver observing her intensely. She knew what it meant.

           Mark was getting pushy. Meaning his boss was getting pushy and YN didn’t need to be on the bad side of some loan shark – not again. So, she mustered up the courage and opened the glass doors, being hit with the smell of lavender and pheromones. It reeks. Nonetheless, she forced a smile on her face and walked towards the front desk. “Hello, I have an appointment with Dr. Sihyuk.”

 “Unfortunately, there is a limit to how many eggs we can safely remove from you. Betas aren’t like omegas, you have a set number of eggs. Removing the majority of them would leave you infertile. We’d also be unsure of whether the eggs are useful or not without running the proper examinations which can take weeks.” Dr. Sihyuk explained as he went over YN’s medical file, each sentence uttered destroying her hope little by little.

“I understand but I am quite fertile. I carry a recessive gene from my father who is an omega. Not to mention I’m not interested in having children so I would have no use for my eggs,” she could sense the doctor’s hesitation, “unlike someone who might benefit from them.” I just really need the money.

“Oh, I know, you betas are lucky in that sense. Don’t have to worry about population growth.” Though it was said jokingly it still made YN uncomfortable, let her know he wasn’t buying her bullshit. The doctor closed the file, “Why exactly are you interested in donating your eggs? Is it for the money?” He saw right through her.  At her silence the doctor sighs, “We get one of you every once in a while. Always wrapped up in some business started by a family member or mistakes you’ve made.” Sihyuk opens a file cabinet beside him and shoves her file in there, “Unfortunately for you there’s no market for beta eggs.”

YN sags exhaustion and fear taking over her, “I –” Sihyuk takes a small white business card out of the cabinet holding it out towards her. “Fortunately for you, I happen to know someone hiring. They specified only betas applied.” Hesitantly YN takes the card, “What kind of job?” Though she knows one should never look a gift horse in the mouth it feels to good to be true. “A housekeeper for an alpha couple. They’re long-time associates of mine. Give them a call you won’t regret it.”

 Evening of June 20th, 2021

           Hyunwoo wouldn’t stop crying. YN truly regretted feeding him chocolate before bed, he had nightmares that had not let the three-year-old rest. Though YN had time and time again reassured them there were no monsters under his bed or strange men coming to take him at night, he wouldn’t hear of it. Insisted she had stayed in bed with him and when that didn’t work cried out for his daddies. The issue being his daddies were currently busy, in the middle of their ruts with their weekly guests. Thankfully, their bedroom was across the apartment from Hyunwoo’s, or else she’d have to explain to the child that the screams being heard didn’t belong to ghost.

           “I want papa! I want daddy!” Hyunwoo shrieked, snot and tears dribbling down his face. At this rate, he’d get himself sick if he didn’t permanently injure his vocal cords – or her hearing.

           “I know. I know, but they’re busy right now. I can go get them later.” When their guests are gone and they’ve cleaned their bedroom. YN never quite knew how they manage to sneak them out and clean up so fast, but she didn’t question it. Less work for me.

           “NO! I want them now!” Hyunwoo bolted towards the door, his little legs running as fast as they could. Though they couldn’t compare to YN’s.

           She hugged the toddler, “Alright. I’ll go get your daddies but you have to promise me you’ll wait in bed.” Hyunwoo began to shake his head, “Come on Woowoo, imagine what they’ll say if they hear you threw a tantrum. What would daddies say?”

           That seemed to sober him up a bit, “They would be disappointed.”

           “Exactly,” YN led him back to bed, gently tucking him in. “I’ll be right back with them soon, okay?”

             The hallway felt eerily long as YN struggled with how to politely interrupt without being subjected to the alpha’s rages. Ruts were an especially tricky time and there would be very little she could do to protect herself if it took a turn for the worse. Not to mention she was breaking one of the very few rules set by them: no bothering us after nine pm. YN glanced at her watch, it was currently 11:43 pm. I am so going to lose my job. But Hyunwoo needed his parents, and she didn’t want to risk the toddler running into their bedroom and being witness to something that would certainly cause trauma. Not to mention I might get sent his therapy bills. More debt. YN reached their bedroom doors. A light red hue leaking from the bottom, she willed all her courage and knocked.

           “Come in, darling.” Jimin spoke, his dulcet tone sounding a little rougher than normal. Surprisingly the door was unlocked, so YN opened it. At first, she saw nothing out of the ordinary, just Kim Namjoon and Park Jimin laying in their bed. The red silk sheets, she so often had to wash, concealing their more intimate parts. It wasn’t until YN noticed the stains covering their bodies and the walls. It caused her eyes to dance around the room until she landed on what had caused such a mess: the two dismembered bodies lying on the floor. The red lighting of the room serving to conceal what the stains truly were: blood.

           Namjoon beckoned her inside with a wave of his hand and YN felt obliged to obey. She could still smell the pheromones in their air, still feel their rut. Not to mention, Hyunwoo might have been following her. She locked the door behind her.

           “To what do we owe the pleasure?” Namjoon spoke, smirking and showing off his blood-stained pearly teeth.

[tomtenadia]

A Little Braver  - Chapter 12

Here we go. As promised i did not keep you waiting too long and chapter 12 has finally landed by gentle concession of Whitethorn airlines. 

Be ready for angst, fluff and our Rowan in full fuss mode. I swear the man invented fussing. Also, our Iceman this time loses it. Even Fenrys is shocked by how much. 

EDIt: forgot to say ATC is Air Traffic Control.

-----------

Rowan had finished his class and went back to his office. He had given those spoiled brats a very intense training and he had taught them how a real pilot flew and was quite satisfied of his level of evilness. 

He sat at his desk, grabbed his phone and noticed a text from Aelin and a smile tugged at his lips.

Not even two hours back. Crash at the airport. I guess those civilian pilots are as bad as you claim.

He laughed to start with but then terror took him. He switched on the computer and tried to find some news about Orynth. He found a newspaper and read the breaking news. There was a video taken by probably some reporters on an helicopter and he almost fell sick at the images. The article mentioned two aircrafts but he could see only one. He had a bad feeling of what could have happened. The crew zoomed in and he spotted Aelin’s engines but he could not tell apart who was on the ground. Then he saw it. The collapse. A cloud of dust and fire lifted in the sky and he hoped that none of the guys were inside.

His heart raced and pure undiluted terror as he never felt, spread through him.

Once inside Aedion had to navigate through debris and remains of the collapsed structure. The dust raised by the collapse had somehow reduced the fire and he could see around him. 

“Aelin,” he called out. He walked and walked and he knew he was getting further and further from the entrance.

“Aelin… answer me, damn it.” He shouted over the silence. A few electric cables flew over him and he ducked just in time to avoid electrocution.

Then he heard it. Her PASS alarm. The one that activated when it did not sense motion for a certain amount of time. He hated that sound because it meant that one of them was in danger.

Eventually he saw her body and flames too close for comfort.

“Chief, lieutenant. I have her. Have EMTs on standby.” he shouted over the radio.

“Lieutenant, Chief, we have two water lines coming in now.”

He ran to her and fell to his knees working to clear the debris from on top of her and once free he rolled her over and noticed she was not breathing and not wearing her mask which lay abandoned at her side. His finger went to her neck and found a pulse albeit weak “She is not breathing, I need the medical team inside. Now.” He shouted over the radio with panic thick in his voice.

He gave her a few rescue breaths ���please… please… don’t do this to me. Please, Aelin.”

He put his mask on her face, trying to pass some oxygen to her.

Voices broke the silence but he was too busy helping Aelin to bother to look who it was. 

In a moment the rest of the team had followed inside and they were putting off the remaining fire around them, allowing the medical team to do their jobs safely.

Lysandra was on her knees in an instant. Elide was at his side and Dorian was towering over them he was the one who had taken the two women inside.

“She is not breathing and her pulse is weak.” Said Aedion, his voice cracking “Help her, please.”

Lysandra did some checks with experienced efficiency.

“I need to intubate her, Aedion remove the mask when I tell you so.”

Lysandra got ready with all her gear “now.”

With the skills of someone who had done it a million times she intubated Aelin very quickly and Elide started to press the balloon to send air in her lungs and oxygen to her body. Lysandra did a quick check and noticed her right arm bore some bad burn marks. She wrapped the wound as best as she could with temporary bandages.

“Dorian, pass me the backboard.”

Within minutes Aelin was loaded on the board and carried outside. The remaining team stopped, staring at their captain unconscious.

Rowan was following the livestream of the accident when he noticed Dorian’s holding a board with someone on and on the other side a tall blonde man: Aedion. He looked a bit better and his heart sank. His eyes recognised the body on the gurney. Her blonde hair, her long braid.

All of a sudden he forgot how to breath. He just stood there watching as the gurney that carried her was lifted into the ambulance. Aedion jumped in as well and he saw Lysandra and Elide climb in the ambulance and drive away with crazy speed and sirens wailing.

He stood slowly, as in a daze, grabbed his stuff and left. He went home, packed all his belongings and drove back to the base. As quickly as possible he filed a flight plan and not long after he was in the air. He would explain everything to the school commandant but he had to go. He had to be with her.

The flight back to Orynth seemed to last forever. He swore loudly when on approach to Orynth he was told that the airspace above the city was closed. He was furious, the airbase was so far away from the airport that it was stupid.

“Orynth main, Typhoon FF9762, I am requesting clearance for landing at the airbase, not at your stupid airport. So you let me land this plane or when I ran low on fuel I will land in the middle of the motorway and then you can deal with that.”

A moment later he got clearance for landing and when his landing gear touched down on the runaway he quickly taxied inside the hangar.

When he opened the canopy, Lorcan was there waiting for him “don’t. I don’t fucking care about the school or anything else right now.” He grabbed his bag and quickly told his engineer to perform his post flight checks. It was totally against the rules but he had no time to lose.

“Elide texted me. They took her to Orynth general. It was the closest one. She says it’s bad.”

Rowan ran out of the hangar and to his car not even bothering to change out of his jump suit, threw his stuff in the back seat and drove like a madman to the hospital. Once inside the A&E he spotted some familiar faces. Her squad was all there, waiting for an update. Rowan stopped. Then his gaze crossed Aedion’s. The man walked to him and Rowan was sure he had been crying.

“How is she? Where is she?” His voice was shaky.

“We don’t know. They took her in urgently. When I found her, she was not breathing and her oxygen tank was dead. She was unconscious when we brought her in, and with some horrible burns on her right arm.”

Rowan sat down heavily on a chair, his hands shaking visibly. They had just found each other. He could not lose her. 

“I thought you were in Doranelle.” Aedion’s voice was flat and his eyes fixed on the doors where they had taken Aelin.

“Aelin sent me a text saying you guys had a call at the airport.” His hand ran nervously through his short hair “then I checked the news and there was a livestream of the accident. And I saw it. All. And when I saw you and Dorian carrying her out… I left everything and flew here with my jet. Bloody ATC almost prevented me from landing.”

“This is always the worst part.” Said Aedion sitting beside Rowan “the waiting.”

The whole group remained in silence and Rowan did the same until a doctor went to them and Aedion stood, followed by Dorian.

“I have an update on the captain. Her condition is critical. She suffered serious internal injuries from the collapse and they are being treated now. Her right arm has some severe burns and again they are now being treated to avoid infection. Her oxygen levels are still below the normal parameters. During surgery she has coded twice, but we got her back. As soon as the team is done with her we will move her to the ICU. We need to keep her under strict control. She could still develop acute respiratory syndrome. She will stay intubated and heavily sedated.” Then the doctor turned to Aedion “I will let you know when you can see her.” And with that he walked away.

“Everyone, return to the station. We are still on duty.” Aedion ordered his men. They gave him a hug and asked to keep them posted. He knew that it had been very hard for them to obey him. They all wanted to be there for her but slowly they filed out leaving him alone with Rowan.

Dorian patted his shoulder “I will stay with them at the station.” And he left with the rest of the squad. 

“The scene at the airport seemed terrifying.”

“It was,” said Aedion in a flat tone “the small plane got reduced to smithereens. How the fuck that happened?”

Rowan sighed, he had an idea “possibly a mistake by ATC. They probably directed the smaller aircraft on the wrong runaway and the big plane landed and just crashed on it, then lost control, probably lost its landing gear and just slammed into the hangar bay.”

“How do you know?”

“Watching the live of the news. You could see that the bigger aircraft was on a landing trajectory from its heading. Also, it was on the runaway that Orynth airport uses for landing. The smaller craft was totally in the wrong runaway.”

“Well, it was a mess.”

“Did you manage to save anyone?”

Aedion nodded “all the people in the big aircraft. As soon as we arrived Aelin told us to keep an eye on the wings for fuel. The aircraft exploded but not before we managed to evacuate the passengers. Manon and Asterin saved two of the civilians by hiding in the cockpit.” He sighed “Aelin saved four.”

Rowan chuckled “she took two of my books one on flight theory and the one on airplanes in general.”

“That is why she knew about fuel being in the wings.”

Rowan nodded with pride “Aelin and I… we are working on things. On us. I…” he lowered his head “I care about her… a lot.”

Aedion leaned back on the chair and removed his fire jacket, remaining in his t-shirt “she can be difficult and believe me there is no one but me who knows just how much. I grew up with her. She is my cousin after all, but I always loved her like a sister. But Aelin has the bad habit of saying what she thinks and we had so many fights because of that. She can be a brat, but together with Lys they are the two most important women in my life.”

Rowan smiled briefly at Aedion’s description of Aelin. It was perfect.

“I proposed to Lys.” Confessed the blonde man.

Rowan slapped him hard on the shoulder “that is an incredible news. Congratulation, man.”

“I thought it was time. Lys and I have been together for three years and I love her.”

Rowan was about to add something when they saw the doctor approach them.

“Aedion, you can see her now.” The man stood and gestured to Rowan to follow him.

“Family only.” Said the doctor when he noticed Rowan stand.

“He is coming as well, Sorscha. And if anyone has any problems, they can take it up with me.”

The woman lifted her hands in yielding gesture “She is on the sixth floor in the ICU, room 46.”

“Thank you.”

“Are you all this friendly with doctors?”

“We visit hospitals a lot.” He added sadly.

Aedion walked to the stairs and Rowan chuckled “not you too…”

“What?”

“What’s with you guys and lifts?”

Aedion laughed “you posh boy can take the metal trap. I am walking.”

Rowan huffed and followed Aedion up the stairs. He was not letting an army guy beat him. He had pride.

Rowan pushed to keep up with Aedion and by the time they reached the sixth floor his legs were killing him, the man in front of him had kept a brutal pace, probably on purpose.

In silence they reached the room and Rowan pulled aside “you go in first, you are family.”

Aedion nodded and Rowan sat down on the chairs outside the room. Thing was… he needed time. He was scared of what he would see on the other side of the door. He was terrified.  She was the one with the scary job. He was the one who knew how to fly away from danger and avoid being shot out of the sky. She, on the other hand, she would willingly face a fire to save people. Getting involved with her meant going through the hell he was living now. He fought it for as long as he could. But somehow along the way he had fallen for her pretty badly. He closed his eyes and leaned his head against the wall.

Much later on he felt a hand on his shoulder “you can go in now.”

Rowan turned his head to the door and his heart sank. Then he stood and mustered all the courage he had to open the door and step in.

The room was silent apart from the steady beeping sounds of the machines monitoring her heartbeat and the hush sound of the ventilator pumping air in her lungs. He froze and closed the door behind him. He stared at her immobile body. With all the cables and tubes and machinery, she seemed so small in the hospital bed.

He finally took a step closer and sat down on the chair beside her.

“Hi,” his voice broken as he felt tears streak down his cheek. Gently he brushed the tip of the fingers on her right hand and noticed the heavy bandaging on the whole arm.

“You scared the shit out of me.” He whispered, his head leaning on the bed near her hand “A part of me wants to bolt because I am not sure I can take it. But the other side tells me not to. Tells me that the recklessness, you fierceness and bravery are why I am so damn crazy about you.” He stood and paced back and forth “the idea of losing you paralyses me with fear.” He took a step backward with fear gripping his heart “I can’t do this. I am so sorry. I just can’t.”

He ran out of the door but Aedion blocked him “that was quick.”

“I can’t…”

Aedion’s face morphed into pure rage and grabbed Rowan’s jump suit by the collar “oh yes you can. I told you before, posh boy. You break her heart and I break you.”

Rowan collapsed exhausted on the chair and took his head in his hands “I can’t… I can’t go through that hell a second time.”

“What to you mean?” Asked the blonde man.

Rowan looked up and met Aedion’s eyes. So much like Aelin’s. They could have easily been twins.

“The pain…” he paused “I can’t deal with that pain again. Losing Aelin would break me definitely. And at the same time I can’t leave her for the same reason. I need her in my life. She might be infuriating but at the same time I am mad about her.”

“Then you have your answer.” Said Aedion flatly.

Rowan stood and Aedion placed his body in front of him.

“I am not bolting. I need to go home, shower, clear my head and I will be back.”

“You bolt, and I will find you.”

Rowan raised his hands and walked away in silence.

He got home, dumped his bag near the bed and shed his clothes on his way to the bathroom. Opened the water and dove under the jet, the water hot to the point of being painful. He stood there. Eyes closed and head bowed. Realising that the water would not be able to wash away the shame of him almost walking out on her like a coward. Again. He was not as brave as he thought. When it came to his feelings he was a disaster. But there was deep terror in him, to a level that he never experienced not even with a missile trained on him. He had almost lost her and at the thought he struggled to breath for a moment. He leaned against the wall and allowed the tears to flow, he allowed himself to cry and let his fears go for a moment. He could not believe that in a matter of few months she had become so important that the thought of losing her would break him this much. He breathed deeply and tried to regain some focus.

Quickly, he washed himself and then walked out with a towel around his waist and padded to the bed to grab his phone. He called the commandant of the school in Doranelle and explained him what happened, why he had to leave all of a sudden and most of all why he was not going back. The man was not happy and he was going to catch hell from Lorcan as well but he did not care. He had given up too much of his life to the force. Now it was his turn to be selfish and put his life before duty.

As expected Lorcan called him not long after and he was now on his way to see his CO in nothing but jeans, a polo shirt and a black leather jacket and a pair of sunglasses. If he had to piss off Lorcan better do it properly.

He knocked once in front of his door and the grumpy tone of the man of the other side told him to enter. He saluted lazily and definitely did not miss Lorcan’s stare of disapproval at him appearing in front of his CO in civilian clothes.

“You seem to have misplaced your uniform.”

“No sir, definitely at home in my wardrobe.”

Lorcan growled his disapproval “I got an interesting call from the commandant of the school in Doranelle. He says that you resigned your post. That you have no intention of going back.”

“That is correct,” and Rowan sat down although Lorcan did not give him permission to do so.

Lorcan threw a folder on his desk “and I got a complaint from ATC saying that you breached airspace lockdown last night and threatened to land on a motorway if they didn’t let you land.”

“That was bullshit on their part. The airbase is on the opposite side of the city compared to the airport. There was no risk for me to get anywhere close to the airport. They were aware of my flight plan and my heading. It was total bullshit.”

“Well, now I have to deal with an irate traffic control supervisor and an outraged commandant at a school with which we have been cooperating for years.”

Rowan shrugged in challenge “not my problem.”

“No Whitethorn, you are the fucking problem.”

“Then suspend me, like I give a fuck.” Rowan leaned back in the chair and stared outside ignoring Lorcan’s tantrum.

“You broke aviation rules with that stunt of yours last night and before that you put your personal life before duty.”

Rowan bolted on his feet “I am so fucking tired of sacrificing my life for duty. I did it so much that when my wife died I was on the other side of the continent and I was given a couple of days of leave to go to her funeral and then was ordered to haul ass back to my post as if nothing happened and like the good obedient soldier I was, I even thanked you all for giving me two days to mourn.” He shouted, not caring if he was being disrespectful to a superior “I gave the airforce twelve years of my life, no questions asked. And all of a sudden I am not sure if I want to keep doing it.”

“Is she really worth it? Is that woman really worth giving up on your career?”

Rowan moved dangerously close and leaned on the desk with his hands “she is worth more that you cold-hearted bastard can ever imagine.”

Lorcan stood “get your arse out of my office, captain Whitethorn. You are suspended for a month.”

“Good.” Said Rowan and walked out slamming the door not bothering saluting Lorcan or add anything.

On his way out he met his squadron “what are you doing back in Orynth?” Asked Gavriel surprised.

“Getting my arse suspended for a month apparently.”

“What the fuck?” Fenrys stared at him in disbelief. That was something that he would do. He could not believe that Lorcan had just suspended Rowan. The man was a stickler for protocol and rules to a fault.

“Broke aviation rules last night by landing during an airspace lockdown. Ticked off ATC big time. And before that I left my post in Doranelle without telling anything to anyone.”

“Who are you and what have you done with Iceman?” Asked Connall.

“Aelin.” Was his answer “she was at the disaster at the airport last night. She is in bad condition. I had to come back.” He sighed “then Lorcan gave me a dressing down for putting a woman before duty and I might have pissed him off to historical levels. I would stay clear of him today.”

“And he suspended you.”

“Yes,” confirmed Rowan and the rest of the team almost noticed relief in his eyes.

“But you are coming back, right?” Rowan noticed sadness in Gavriel’s eyes. The two had been friends for a long time. And although he could not care less about Lorcan, he felt as if he was betraying his team mates.

“I don’t know… I might.” He said not convinced “A month away might do me well. I am not sure right now.”

“How’s Aelin?” Vaughan had the guts to ask the question no one could voice.

Rowan’s hands fisted “she is in bad shape. Intubated and sedated. When Aedion found her she was not breathing. She has bad burn on her right arm and plenty of other injuries. She was buried under the collapse of the hangar after she tried to save some people trapped inside.”

“Damn, the woman is badass.” Fenrys patted Rowan’s shoulder “when you go to the hospital, tell her that we are rooting for her too.”

He covered the young man’s hand with his “will do.” Then he straightened “now I better go, before Lorcan comes through and punishes all of you just for speaking with me.”

“Keep in touch, please,” added Gavriel.

Rowan winked and left and once he finally stepped outside of the perimeter of the airbase his soul felt lighter.

He reached the hospital not long after and found her room empty, her team was probably at work and he was glad he could have some time with her.

“Hi menace,” Rowan sat down and brushed a kiss on her forehead “are you enjoying your nap?” His finger gently flicked her nose and he sat back down “I got suspended for a month… I guess I broke a few rules to be with you.” His finger brushed hers emerging from the heavy bandage “and I epically ticked off a few people, but it was so worth it.” He squeezed her fingers “you are totally worth it.” He then stood and started walking around the room making adjustments. He fixed the blinds so there was some sun in the room, he tucked her properly in bed, almost afraid she could be cold. He fixed the flowers on her nightstand and made sure they had water. And finally he sat down on her bed and slowly undid her braid, brushed her hair and braided it again.

“I am sorry I left this morning, I… was overwhelmed.” He sat back down on the chair “I am not leaving. Not unless you want me to.” He grabbed her hand again but then he heard the door open and he sat straight.

“Hi,” said Lysandra and Elide in unison.

“We just dropped off some patients and we came in to see her.”

Rowan stood and with his hand he offered his spot to the two women.

“I thought you were away.” Said Lysandra, walking close to her friend and depositing a gentle kiss on her forehead.

“I was, and then I saw the disaster and I flew back and got myself suspended for it, but I don’t care.”

Lysandra was about to comment but he stopped her “I had to be here for her. I have no regrets.” His head then turned to Elide “you might want to stay clear of Lorcan for a few days. I ticked him off big time and the man might be a bit furious at the time.”

“Oh, okay,” the woman said timidly.

“I am sure that one of your smile will fix the mood of that poor old bastard.” Lysandra’s comment made him laugh.

“She just went in…” Lysandra’s voice was now a whisper and she sniffled turning her back from the other two occupants “she always does this type of crazy thing. Dorian was furious.”

A memory appeared in Rowan’s mind and his words were out before he could stop them “are they involved?”

He heard the woman chuckle “No. Dorian is in love with her and that is no secret. He was her captain when she was at west. But she always saw him as nothing but a friend. Also he is the chief and she a captain, so nothing can happen. They are really good friends, but no, nothing ever happened.”

A selfish part of him relaxed.

Lysandra’s radio went off and she groaned “come on Elide, back to work.”

Rowan waved them goodbye and went back to his chair.

***

Ten days had passed and the season had slowly turned and spring was now in full force.

Rowan was standing at the hospital window, looking outside towards the Staghorn mountains. The tops had officially lost their snow. He inhaled the fresh air and closed the window again. That room had become his new home in the past ten days. He had left only to go home and get changed and washed, but apart from that he had kept a tight vigil on her. They guys at the station had to work and he had been more than happy to keep her company. He was out of a job for the time being, anyway. He turned around and walked to the bed. Nothing had changed. She was still intubated and still unconscious. The doctor had raised concerns with regards to the damage her lungs had suffered and a neurologist had confirmed that her responses were within normal parameters and that they were expecting her to wake up soon. In the last few days they had noticed an increased cerebral activity which according to the doctors was a good sign. He sat down again beside her and went back to the book he had been reading to her. As a joke between the two of them he had started reading flight manuals, or any of any of his books about flying. He had read her other books as well and all the possible articles about their amazing rescue at the airport. Rowan had spent so much time at the hospital that all the nurses knew him and helped him every time he had a request for them to make her more comfortable. He had brought more comfortable pillows, had decorated the wall of her room with all the cards she got from the different fire stations and from west, together with the ones of the four people she save in the hangar. With his mobile he had played classical music for her and a few times he had played an opera as well and joked that they finally got that date after all. His past ten days had been dedicated to nothing else but her. He was humming away a tune from the last opera he had played, while tucking her bed sheets properly when he brushed her hand and felt it move. It was a subtle movement but he felt it. Rowan kept humming and this time the motion was much clearer.

“Aelin…” her middle finger lifted by a fraction and Rowan laughed.

“Are you giving me the middle finger even when you sleep? You are such a brat.” He leaned forward and kissed her forehead “Can you hear me?” He whispered near her ear.

His gaze returned to her hand and this time he noticed her clearly trying to bend her fingers.

Rowan sat down beside her and stroked her cheek once more “Aelin… it’s me.”

A tiny flutter of her eyelashes had his heart race madly in his chest. And when her blue eyes finally set on him he gave her a big smile “it was abut time, there was no need to get into a fire and almost get yourself killed if you needed a nap.”

Aelin groaned and he noticed the middle finger in her left hand rise sightly. Rowan roared in laughter. Then she lifted the same hand and went for the tube in her mouth.

“Hold on, you are still intubated. Let me go and call the doctor.” He disappeared outside of the room and came back with her doctor a moment later. He extubated her and the procedure looked very unpleasant. Aelin coughed heavily but the doctor reassured him it was normal and then left the two alone.

Rowan grabbed a glass of water on the nightstand and helped her. He lifted her a bit and pressed the glass against her lips “drink a little.”

She drank eagerly and then collapsed back on the pillow exhausted. Rowan sat at her left side and brushed her head gently with his hand “are you in pain?”

With a small movement she shook her head. Rowan looked at the bags with liquids hanging behind her and noticed they still had plenty of stuff in them. She was hooked on painkillers and antibiotics and had a feeding tube down her nose.

“You… here.” She managed with difficulty. Although she was breathing on her own the doctor had warned him that some issues might take longer to heal. The smoke and the fuel fumes had battered her lungs pretty badly and that it was why after extubation, the doctor had placed small oxygen tubes in her nose.

“That I am.” he took her hand in his “after your text complaining about civilian pilots I had a look at the news and they were showing the inferno at the airport.” He stopped, he would never forget that horrible scene “when I saw Dorian and Aedion carrying you out I realised I could not stay there any longer. Long story short, I broke a few rules, pissed off a few people and got suspended, but I am where I am meant to be.”

“Suspended?”

Rowan nodded solemnly “Turns out that even if he has a girlfriend, Lorcan is still a cold-hearted bastard. I have no regrets.”

Aelin sighed and her breath came out ragged “squad.”

“They are all fine and they miss you. Aedion has been playing captain and he hates it and Dorian has been helping a lot as well. They are on shift now but they came and visit a lot.”

She was about to say something else but a brutal cough hit her and she was left exhausted and wheezing and he pulled her to him. It destroyed him seeing her like that.

He shifted the pillows behind her and allowed Aelin to be in a semi sit position, hoping that would make breathing much easier than lying down. He sat beside her, pulled an arm around her shoulder and dragged her closer to him “Aedion proposed to Lys.”

“Know.”

“There is no pleasing you, young lady. I assume Lys has told you.”

Aelin smiled at him and nodded.

His phone buzzed in his pocket and when he removed it he realised it was Lorcan. The man had tried to phone him all morning but he had refused every single call.

Rowan sighed heavily and Aelin looked up at him with a worried expression.

“I almost resigned.” His forehead touching hers “then I didn’t because of duty and all that shit. When they carried you out I lost it. Nothing else mattered but being here for you. Screw rules and regulations.”

She turned her head and deposited a kiss on his lips “thank you for being here.” She managed with great difficulty.

***

With spring in full swing, Orynth was covered in colours from flowers all around the city. The air smelled sweet and warm.

Aelin inhaled the fresh air and after almost a month in the hospital she felt alive again. Rowan lifted her in his arms and slowly carried her to her house. Her legs were still shaky and she was still weak. Her recovery was taking longer than expected. The doctors had put her through a respiratory therapy, but at times she still felt short of breath. Rowan dropped her off on the sofa and went to get their stuff. He had made a deal with her and he would stay with her until she was better. He still had four days before his suspension was over. He had been at her side since she woke up and the nurses had told her that even when she was still unconscious, Rowan had barely left her side.

Her mind went back to when he told her he could be very caring for the people he loved and he had showed her that over and over again.

“Here we go.” He dumped all the bags in the living room and then went to the bedroom and Aelin had a feeling he was preparing so that it was up to his standards.

“The bed is ready, your highness.”

He fussed. He fussed a lot but she realised she had started to love that side of him.

“Does it meet your standards, captain?”

He grinned “I don’t think is grandiose enough.”

“I will make sure I’ll upgrade my living standards to accommodate a posh boy like yourself. I doubt an army guy will fuss. Aedion never did.”

“They have no standards to begin with.”

Aelin threw a pillow at him but Rowan ducked in time and an instant later she was in the air and he dumped her on the bed with little ceremony.

He leaned forward and kissed her “now get changed,” he ordered and threw her her bed clothes.

“Yes, sir. At your orders sir,” she mocked him with a funny salute.

He shook his head “you civilians really have no respect for rank.”

She stood on her knees in bed and shed the top she was wearing and removed her bra as well, remaining bare.

He was busy emptying her bag that when he turned and saw her semi naked he almost tripped on the dropped top.

“My girls here feel lonely,” she palmed her breasts in a very sensual way

Rowan ignored her and passed her the pyjama top “It seems like you are doing a good job at keeping them busy.”

She slapped him with her t-shirt and got dressed again “I’d better get covered again, I don’t want to traumatise you.” She was about to add something else but a fit of coughing stopped her. Rowan was at her side in a moment and held her, knowing that it would usually leave her spent. The fits had become less frequent as she improved but the occasional one was enough to leave her breathless and this one seemed to be one of those. She grabbed his arm and squeezed it “hurts,”Aelin complained fisting her hand in his chest while concentrating on breathing. Rowan grabbed the inhaler she had been prescribed to use during an attack. She did as she had been shown by the doctors and then melted in his arms.

“Lie down.”

“Open…” she started but the coughing resumed and her hand fisted in the bed sheets this time. She grabbed the inhaler and breathed its medicines again, feeling air rushing back in her lungs. Eventually she collapsed in bed exhausted “Window…” she finally finished.

Rowan moved with speed and did as told. Aelin loved the spring air and even at the hospital she often asked him for the window to be open. It made her feel as if she could breath.

He moved her to the centre of the bed and covered with the blankets “do you feel like eating something?”

“No,” she said weakly and he knew she was not well. In the short time he had known her, Aelin had never refused a meal “Sleep,” his hand brushed her hair and she was asleep within minutes.

Once he was positive she was asleep he walked out and gently closed the door and went to the kitchen to make a phone call. Lorcan had been pestering him almost every day but Rowan had ignored him.

“The dutiful captain finally decides to phone back, or should I call you nurse Whitethorn now?”

Rowan growled and almost closed the call again, then decided to count till ten and listen what he had to say.

“Say your piece Salvaterre and let me go.”

“I want you to march back through these doors in four days.”

Rowan pinched the bridge of his nose. How could he leave her alone?

“A please from time to time doesn’t hurt.”

“Whitethorn, I don’t give a fuck if your firefighter woman made you a well mannered soldier. I am your superior and if I give you an order I expect you to answer with yes, sir. Another peep from you and you get your arse written up for insubordination and you can kiss your career goodbye.”

Rowan had to punch something, but a loud noise could wake up Aelin and he wanted to avoid that. So he just hung up the phone without giving Lorcan a reply then he grabbed a pillow and screamed into it. Once he was done he grabbed his laptop from his bag and set in motion his next plan.

TAGS:

@rowaelinismyotp​

@jlinez​

@swankii-art-teacher​

@courtofjurdan​

@whimsicallyreading​

@tillyrubes10​

[criminalmindzjunkie]

The Reward of Suffering

next chapter

Summary: A retelling of the events of season 12 episode 13. 

Gif credit to the wonderful and talented @imagining-in-the-margins​

A/N: After several months of contemplation, I have finally decided to post part one of my first ever fic on Tumblr! This fic will follow the event of Spencer’s prison arc, so needless to say there will be SPOILERS. This first part is super long, but I felt that it needed to be in order to set up the plot. I hope you all enjoy reading! If you would like to be tagged on future updates, let me know!

Pairing: Spencer Reid/Fem! Reader

Warnings: no smut (yet), mentions of past frug use, cursing, typical CM case talk

Word count: 12.1k

           “Reid is in jail.”

           I felt the color immediately drain from my face and an intense feeling of dread began to wash through my body. I sat up in my chair, back ramrod straight. I briefly looked towards the faces of my teammates, Luke and JJ to my left and Penelope to my right. Their faces were all contorted, displaying varying degrees of shock and confusion. It was hard for any of us to process what we were hearing. The idea of Spencer Reid, the same Spencer who wore a mask to the office on Halloween and put on elaborate magic shows for everyone’s children, doing anything that would warrant being put behind bars was preposterous.

           Surely, this is all just a big misunderstanding.

           “Jail?” Penelope squeaked out. My eyes flitted to her, taking note of the way her eyebrows were drawn together in disbelief. She was thinking the same thing I’m sure we all were; that there was no way Spencer Reid had engaged in any illegal activity. Spencer was a well-educated, highly regarded FBI agent, for Christ sake. He knew the laws of the land better than any of us.

           “In Mexico.”

My attention focused solely on Emily. In the few weeks since I had come to know her, I had begun to look at her not only as a sort of fearless leader, but also as a kind of fiercely loyal friend that I was incredibly lucky to have. Emily somehow managed to find the perfect balance between being accommodating and stern. She was the kind of boss you could have a drink and cut up with after a long day, but she also carried herself in a way that demanded the utmost respect in the workplace. Emily Prentiss’s bravery was unmatched, and I admired her for that.

It shook me to my core when her eyes met mine and I saw the pure, unbridled fear in them. If Emily was scared, then this must be leagues worse than we could have ever imagined.

“What the hell is he doing down there?” JJ asked, crossing her arms and shuffling from one foot to the other.

“I don’t know. I didn’t talk to him. The call came in to Cruz from their lead investigator.”

Luke was the next to chime in. “What’s he being held for?”

“Drug possession,” Rossi said, before taking on, “with intent to distribute.”

For the second time that day, it felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. Images of Spencer sitting across from me in a dimly lit coffee shop, tripping over his words as he confided in me, spilling his deepest and darkest secrets in a voice barely above a whisper. His voice had grown stronger as he neared the end of his story and he had dug deep in his satchel, producing a small golden coin. We both had tears in our eyes as we looked at the writing engraved into the coin; unity, service recovery. Spencer Reid was ten years sober, and the pride on his face was as clear as day.

There was no way he would throw all of that away.

“What type of drugs?”

“Cocaine and heroin,” Rossi said, his voice shaky.

Rossi and Spencer had always had a good relationship. Spencer had admired his work long before he met him, having read and reread every book he had ever published. It had delighted Spencer that he and Rossi had managed to develop rapport so quickly. Rossi was the only one talented enough at the game of chess to even think of giving Spencer a run for his money, though many of us had tried. In one of many hushed conversations shared on the jet, he had once told me that he had begun to think of Rossi as somewhat of a father figure; he didn’t quite fill the role in the same way Gideon had, but Spencer was thankful just the same. One look at Rossi’s troubled expression was enough to tell me that the feelings were definitely mutual.

“Oh my God. This can’t be happening.” JJ was positively crestfallen, clutching a hand against her own chest in an attempt to ground herself. Her other hand came up to her face as she absentmindedly pushed her hair away.

“We need Lewis and Walker here, ASAP,” Emily directed her order and Penelope, who was quick to comply.

Everyone sprang into action, but I found myself unable to move, weighed down by the deeply unsettling circumstance. It felt as if I was no longer in my own body, like I was watching everything unfold from an outsider’s perspective. Maybe I am, I thought. Maybe this is all just some horrible nightmare. Any second now, my alarm will go off and this will all be over.

I waited and waited for my alarm to sound, but that never happened. Instead, Emily crouched down in front of me, grasping my arm firmly in her right hand.

“I know how devastated you must be. Trust me, I do,” she sympathized, her deep brown eyes boring into my own. “But Reid’s going to need you now more than ever. You’re his best friend and you know him better than anyone. Did he ever mention to you that he was going to Mexico?”

I shook my head numbly, my motions feeling alien and stilted.

“Never. He told me the same thing he told you; that he was going to Houston for a few days to meet with his mother’s doctor,” I whispered. I feared that if I raised my voice any higher, tears would begin to fall. Maintaining my composure was becoming harder with every passing second, and I wasn’t exactly privy to breaking down in front of my boss. “I guess I don’t know him as well as I thought.”

Emily sighed, letting go of my arm before straightening up.

“Apparently, none of us did. But I know damn well that this has to be a mistake. We’ll get him out of this.”

           The apprehension in her voice told me that even she wasn’t sure we could pull this one off.

--

           “This has got to be Scratch,” Tara stated, her voice wafting through the speakers of Luke’s laptop. Emily, Rossi, Luke and I were currently in the jet, on our way to the jail where Spencer was being held. All of us were huddled close together around the computer, listening on with eager ears. “He was laying low, and now we know why.”

           “Crossing the border as a fugitive is a huge risk,” Luke pointed out.

           “The reward is even greater. He’s been punishing the team, and now his target is Reid.” Emily’s voice was full of frustration and contempt.

           “Peter Lewis dropped off the map after attacking Tara’s family,” Stephen chimed in. Not even his deep baritone voice could do anything to calm my frazzled nerves. “Maybe he’s been hiding in Mexico this whole time.”

           “We also have to consider that it isn’t related to him,” I murmured. Several pairs of eyes locked on me, shocked. I had been uncharacteristically quiet since this whole ordeal began, limiting my responses to one word replies and hums of acknowledgement. On a normal day, I’d be throwing in my two cents any time I saw fit. Today, I was struggling just to keep breathing.

           “Who else would it be?” Rossi asked.

           “Drug cartels. Could’ve threatened Reid and used him as a mule.” Saying his name was painful, because it reminded me that we weren’t just talking about a victim with whom we had no personal ties; we were talking about our colleague and beloved friend.

           “Agreed,” Rossi nodded. “This could simply be a case of bad luck. Reid was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

           “Spencer’s mom is okay.” JJ’s announcement was like music to my ears. I let out an audible sigh of relief. “The home nurse he hired said all is stable.”

           “How long did he tell the nurse he’d be gone?”

           “Three days.”

           “That sounds reasonable. After the Palm Springs case, Reid said he had to get back to Houston to talk to his mom’s doctor,” Emily interjected. I nodded along in agreement. He’d told me the same thing when I talked to him the night before last.

The fatigue in his voice had alerted me to the fact that things hadn’t been going so well with his mother. Her condition had been rapidly deteriorating in the recent months, prompting Spencer to make the tough decision to remove her from the assisted living facility she was at and into his own apartment. His main argument had been that no one could possibly take better care of his mother that him; that he was familiar with her condition and how best to respond when she had an episode. When I had asked him how he was handling it all, he was quick to reassure me that it was not anything he couldn’t handle.

Spencer’s loyalty ran deep; so deep that I knew he would do anything in his power to take care of Diana, but I’d never imagined that it would land him in fucking jail.

“Well, Houston is only a five-hour drive from the border,” Tara mused. “The question is, why did he go down there?”

“And why does he have narcotics?” Rossi was the first to speak on what was at the forefront of everyone’s mind.

“Yeah, exactly. He wouldn’t… He wouldn’t do that. Those drugs were planted on him,” Penelope insisted.

“Absolutely, but there’s something bigger in play. That’s why he crossed the border and kept it a secret. There’s something he didn’t want to share with any of you.”

I cringed at Stephen’s choice of wording. Spencer and I were as close as two people could be, and there was nothing I withheld from him. He knew everything about me, every dark and embarrassing thought that had ever crossed my mind; yet, he accepted me just the same. I had always assumed that it went both ways, that he was just as honest and forthcoming with me as I was with him. It hurt to know that there were things he kept from me, secrets that he felt he couldn’t trust me with.

But most of all, it absolutely gutted me to think that he was dealing with something so horrible that it landed him in jail, and he that he had to do it all alone.

“Okay, so what would make him risk everything?” Emily pondered aloud.

“His mom.” My answer was instantaneous.

A ping sounded from the other end of the video call, and we all leaning in, our interest piqued.

“Cruz just sent me the arresting report,” Penelope announced, clicking away at her computer before continuing. “It says here that Reid was involved in a high-speed chase.”

“What?” I choked out, my voice coming out several pitches higher than usual. “Spencer hardly ever drives.” I could feel my stomach begin to churn, bile threatening to force its way up my esophagus. This isn’t right, I wanted to scream. Our Spencer would never get himself involved in something that would put himself or others at risk.

“None of this sounds like him,” Penelope whispered, her thoughts mimicking my own. “It says he was wearing jeans and a baseball cap and that he was really confused. According to the arresting officer, he was really high on something.”

Unity, service, respect; ten years sober. All down the fucking drain.

I shot up from my seat, bolting down the walkway and into the bathroom. I immediately fell to my knees, barely managing to push my hair out of the way before retching into the toilet bowl. I continued like this for several minutes, only pausing momentarily when I felt large, soothing hands running up and down my back. Soft murmurings of reassurance alerted me to the fact that it was Luke who was sitting with me. I let out a strained ‘thank you’ before another wave of nausea hit me, rendering me speechless. Luke held my hair back, never once leaving my side.

When I had thrown up the entirety of my breakfast and all I could do was dry heave, I slumped back against the wall, relishing in how cool it felt against my flushed skin. A stretch of silence passed before he decided to break it.

“That was an extreme reaction,” Luke pointed out, still sitting in the floor with his legs crisscrossed. I noticed how closely he was watching me, his eyes focused on reading my expressions. He was profiling me, that much was obvious. It was an unspoken rule between us all that we would never profile one another, but any fight I had left in me had long since dissipated.

“He worked so hard to get clean, Luke. I wasn’t around when it happened, but he told me about it. He was so proud of himself,” I whispered. My throat was now raw and my voice came out more than a little bit hoarse.

Luke’s eyebrows came together, confusion clear on his face.

“Get clean? What are you talking about?”

I let out a shuddery breath. It felt wrong to divulge information on Spencer’s personal life; like I was betraying his trust. Given the circumstance, I supposed he wouldn’t mind, but it still felt treacherous and left a bad taste in my mouth. Sorry, Spence.

“Ten years ago, Reid was kidnapped by an unsub with DID. He kept him in a remote cabin for several days, alternating between beating him senseless and shooting him full of so much hydromorphone that he couldn’t remember his own name. At one point, he even,” I trailed off, hot tears spilling out of my eyes and running down my cheeks. Luke took my hand in his in an act of reassurance, his way of telling me not to rush. Luke hadn’t been with us for long, and our interactions thus far hadn’t gone much farther than conversations about work. Seeing the way he was offering himself up to me as a confidant and shoulder to cry on made me feel guilty for ever having written him off.

Thank God for Luke Alvez.

After a long pause, I managed to continue. “Spencer ended up having a seizure and he died for several minutes. The unsub’s more benevolent personality, Tobias, was able to resuscitate him. Eventually Spencer was able to take him down, but the trauma mixed with the exposure to such a highly addictive drug led to him developing a dependence on it.”

Luke swore and ran a hand through his hair.

“I never would’ve guessed it. The kid carries himself so well.”

A small, fond smile tugged at the corner of my lips.

“He’s amazing, really. He detoxed all by himself and started going to NA meetings. This past October marked ten years. We celebrated by going to one of those really fancy museums he likes and he insisted on taking the guided tour so that he could see how many errors the guide would make,” I let out a light laugh at the memory. “Every time they’d get something wrong, he’d lean down whisper the correct information so that only I could hear it. I don’t think I’d ever seen him that happy,” I reminisced, allowing myself to forget about the current situation for the tiniest of moments. I wondered if I’d ever get to experience a day like that with Spencer ever again.

“You two are close, I take it?”

I nodded. Luke had fit in with the group so seamlessly that I had forgotten that he had only been with us for a short time. He didn’t really know the dynamics of everything yet.

“He’s my best friend.”

Luke hummed, and I could feel his eyes looking at me inquisitively.

“And that boyfriend of yours, he doesn’t mind?” Okay, maybe Luke was a little bit more perceptive than he let on.

Gavin and I had begun dating at the end of my first year with the BAU. He and I had meet in the most cliché of ways; bumping into each other in the cereal aisle at the grocery store. Gavin was more than a little bit handsome, but what had reeled me in had been the way he taken one look at the box of cereal in my cart and immediately scrunched his nose up in disgust.

“Plain Cheerios? Are you some sort of masochist, or something?” he had asked, a playful lilt to his voice. Normally, if a strange man had approached me in public, I would’ve been quick to express my disinterest. If my job had taught me anything, it was that a woman being approached by a strange man was a recipe for trouble. But something about him seemed wholly unthreatening, and I couldn’t help but laugh at his forwardness, raising an eyebrow at him.

“As if your choice is any better. Lucky Charms? What are you, six?”

“Don’t even go there. Lucky Charms are magically delicious, thank you very much,” he sniffed, feigning superiority. “And if we’re touching on the subject of age, the only person I know that eats plain Cheerios is my eighty-six-year-old grandmother. You look a bit young to be worrying about heart health, and I refuse to believe that you actually enjoy the taste, so what gives?”

“First of all, I find it concerning that you are so familiar with cereal slogans,” I breezed, leaning against my shopping cart. “Second, I am curious; do you make it a habit to harass people about their cereal preferences?”

“Only if they’re cute.”

And that had been that. Several dates later he had asked me to be his girlfriend over a dinner he had attempted to make himself. I said yes and he kissed me, nearly knocking over his plate of burnt chicken parmesan in the process.

“We, uh, have an understanding. He knows that Spencer and I are just good friends.”

Gavin and I did have an understanding, but it wasn’t a very solid one. In fact, I was sure that he damn near despised Spencer’s very existence. He had done a good job at hiding it for a while, but after coming home one night from an impromptu movie night with Spencer, he had revealed to me that he had a jealous streak a mile long. I reassured him that there was absolutely nothing that he needed to worry about, but I could tell he didn’t believe a word of it. Gavin had out flat demanded that I cut all ties with Spencer, and I had laughed in his face.

“I’m not the kind of girl that likes to be told what to do. Either you learn to live with him being a part of my life, or you can find someone else to boss around, because I can tell you right now, that won’t fly with me.”

My threat had proven to be effective, and he had apologized, and that had been the end of that. He still wasn’t fond of the idea that Spencer and I were such close friends, but he hadn’t tried to proposition me with any more ridiculous ultimatums.

“That’s good to hear,” Luke hummed, squeezing my hand before rising to his feet. I could tell that he didn’t necessarily buy into what I was saying, but I was thankful that he didn’t press it any further. “What do you say we go back out there. We’ve got to be getting close by now.”

I nodded and he helped me to my feet. I bent down to the faucet, swishing some water in my mouth before spitting it out.

When Luke and I returned to our seats, I was immediately aware of the way Rossi and Emily were eyeing me; like I was a delicate thing that needed to be handled with kid gloves.

I absolutely hated it.

“Sorry about that. It won’t happen again,” I said, before turning my attention back to the video call and saying, “so, what did we miss?”

--

The police station was surprisingly small. The hallways were narrow and the light bulbs above me gave off an almost green tint, casting an eerie glow on the place. The sounds of disgruntled detainees calling out drifted through the hallways, sounding akin to the moaning of a ghost. My eyes darted around constantly as we walked, the uneasy feeling in my stomach growing with every step we took towards the heart of the precinct.

“Thank you for calling us.” Emily’s words were directed at the police officer, Chief Castenada, who was leading us down the hall. He was a short man with graying hair and a seemingly permanent frown etched into his face. It didn’t take a genius to deduce that he wasn’t happy that four federal agents were in his jail.

“A U.S. fed in our custody isn’t something we see every day,” the man said, his tone entirely unfriendly. I grimaced.

“Have you gotten any of his tox screen panels back yet?” I prodded, quickening the pace of my strides until I was walking alongside him. He looked down at me like I was a pesky gnat that he wanted to bat away.

“No.”

Color me unsurprised.

“You’ll need to expedite that. We have cause to believe that Doctor Reid was drugged.”

“He was definitely high and driving like a bat out of Hell. Not to mention he had $20,000 worth of heroin in his possession,” he sneered, ceasing to walk and staring down at me with distaste. “Both of which put my officers at risk. You’re in our jurisdiction. Don’t forget that. The rules are different here.”

I opened my mouth, ready to fire back with some smart-assery of my own, but a hand at my elbow stopped me. I turned and saw that it was Luke, who nodded his head to the left of us. I looked in the direction he was referring to, and I felt my heart shatter into a million pieces.

Just up ahead was a holding cell with several poorly constructed benches in the center of it. On the very first row of seats sat Spencer, who had seemingly retreated in to himself. He was hunched over, his arms wrapped pitifully around himself, much like you’d imagine a child might do to keep warm. Spencer’s clothes were tattered and dirty and a bandage adorned his right hand. His usually beautiful chestnut curls were flying around his head in a mess of tangles and dirt. Despite the fact that Spencer towered over most of us, I couldn’t help but notice how incredibly small he looked.

Even as awful as he looked in his current state, a direct contradiction of the way he usually presented himself, I’d never been happier to lay my eyes on someone in my life.

My feet carried me forward before my brain had time to catch up. I closed the distance between me and the cell, pausing and taking a good, long look at him before allowing myself to speak. He hadn’t noticed me standing there yet. His gaze was instead trained on something at the other end of the room, his eyes red rimmed and glassy and his face completely slack.

“Spence?” I called out, the nickname falling from my lips like a prayer. In a way I suppose it was; a prayer that he was alright, that the horrible things Penelope had told us about were nothing but a horrible lie. At first, I was worried that he hadn’t heard me or that he was too out of his mind to even register the sound of my voice. Just when I opened my mouth to speak again, he turned his head in way that I would have described as comically slow if the situation hadn’t been so serious. The spacey look in his eyes told me that my prayers wouldn’t be answered.

Spencer’s eyes locked with mine, but his face remained completely blank, devoid of all expression. I stood there for a moment, dumbfounded, until it hit me like a ton of bricks; he had no clue who I was.

I wanted to be mad. I wanted to scream at him, to ask him how could he forget me, of all people. My anger was irrational and unfair, but I couldn’t help it. While I understood that it was no fault of his own, that the drugs coursing through his veins were to blame, it didn’t make it hurt any less.

I swallowed down the emotions that threatened to spill out, pushing them down into the depths of my being. I couldn’t let my emotional attachment hinder my judgment. I needed to be as vigilant as ever, no, more vigilant. The fate of my favorite person in the whole world depended on it.

“It’s me, Y/N,” I explained, keeping my voice as steady as I could manage. “It’s good to see you, Spencer. You’re a sight for sore eyes.”

He watched me for a moment before standing and making his way to where I was leaning against the bars.

“Y/N,” Spencer murmured when he reached me, as if testing my name out to see how it rolled off of his tongue. His stare was still vacant, but having him in front of me after worrying about his wellbeing for the last five hours was more than enough for now. I’d take him however I could have him. “Thank you for coming.”

“Of course, we came,” I murmured, my eyes raking over every inch of his body for any signs of distress. Other than the bandage on his hand, he seemed to be in one piece.

Rossi was quick to join me, coming to a stop at my left.

“We’re going to get you out of here, kid,” he reassured, his tone more serious than I’d ever heard it.

           “We need to work out some details with the locals, okay?” Emily said, waiting for a response but getting none.

           “Who was your contact down here?” Luke asked.

           Spencer was quicker to respond this time.

           “Rosa,” he mumbled as he grabbed his shirt sleeve and pulled it up. On his inner arm, the name Rosa Medina was written in what was undoubtably his own handwriting. Spencer was notorious around the office for having the worst handwriting. I like to blame it on the fact that he was a doctor, which always elicited a laugh from him. “I think she’s a doctor.”

           Luke pulled his phone out from his pocket, snapping a picture of the name.

           “Where did you meet her?”

           Spencer shook his head and a frown pulled down at the corner of his lips.

           “I… I don’t remember.”

           “If you saw her, would you remember her?”

           Spencer nodded in affirmation.

           “You’re missing time, aren’t you?” I asked, causing him to look at me once more. His brows furrowed together and he was nodding again, slightly surer of himself this time.

           “It’s peeking out. It’s coming in flashes.”

           “And you’ve been drugged?”

           I didn’t know it was possible for his face to fall any more, but the look of shame that manifested itself when he registered my words was absolutely heartbreaking.

           “Yeah, but I didn’t take it myself,” he insisted, a spark of life burning bright in the depths of his eyes. Somewhere in there, under the haze of narcotics, was the same Spencer that had fought tooth and nail for his sobriety all those years ago. My heart broke for him.

           “Of course, you didn’t, Spence. We know that,” I said, almost reaching out to touch him before thinking better of it. “We’re thinking it might be Scratch.”

           Just like before, when I had first spoken to him, absolutely no sign of recognition showed itself on his face.

           “Scratch,” he muttered detachedly, much the same as before.

           Luke’s phone rang then and he excused himself for a moment before stepping away. I looked to Rossi and Emily, who seemed to also be at a loss for words. The silence that filled the room was excruciating, and I once again started to feel like the walls were closing in on me. I wanted nothing more than to scream, to cry out in frustration. The whole situation was unfair in a way that I didn’t think was possible. I was a big believer in karma; put good in and get good out, or something like that. But now, standing outside of a holding cell that looked more like a dungeon than anything, I was ready to throw away that belief entirely.

Of all the people that I know, Spencer was the least deserving of something like this.

           Just when I began to consider ducking outside for a breath of fresh air, Luke returned.

           “Hey, the team sent this. Is this the doctor you met?” he asked, pointing to a picture of a woman he had pulled up on his phone. The woman was of Mexican descent, with short, choppy gray hair. She appeared to be middle aged, from what I could guess.

           Spencer stared at the picture before nodding.

           “Her alias is Rosa Medina and her real name is Nadi Ramos. Garcia tracked her to a motel just outside of town. Does that sound familiar?”

           Spencer’s brows furrowed and his shoulders slumped in defeat.

           “No.”

           “Okay, we’ll need to take Castenada and his officers with us,” Emily announced, before turning and heading towards the door.

           “Do you want company here?” Rossi asked.

           Spencer seemed to take a moment to process before answering with an almost imperceptible nod. He turned his head and focused his gaze on me.

           “Can… Can you stay?”

           Rossi turned to face me too, raising an eyebrow as if to say ‘are you okay with this?’ I gave him what I hoped was a convincing smile. Honestly, I wasn’t entirely sure that I could handle this; the this that I am referring to being a nearly catatonic Spencer Reid. I was used to the Spencer who regaled me with interesting tidbits of information whenever there was a lull in conversation. The Spencer that stood before me now was a shell of his former self, and that terrified me.

           “I’ll be fine here. Let me know if you guys find anything,” I told Rossi. He nodded once to me before enveloping me in a tight hug.

           “Resta forte mia piccolo colomba,” Rossi murmured in my ear. I hadn’t a clue what the phrase meant, but the words draped over me like a warm blanket. Suddenly the weight of the current situation didn’t seem so heavy, and I felt immensely thankful that a man like David Rossi was in my life.

           Rossi pressed his lips to the top of my head before releasing me. He gave one last, despairing look to Spencer before hurrying off after Luke and Emily. It could’ve been the light playing tricks on me, or maybe the exhaustion, but when Rossi turned away from us, I swear I saw tears welling in his eyes.

           And then there were two.

           I took glance at my watch for the first time all day, cringing when I saw the time to be 8:17PM. Quantico was an hour ahead, meaning Gavin was probably losing his shit wondering where I was. I sighed, fishing my phone out of my back pocket and turning it on.

           “Spence, I’m going to make a phone call really quick,” I murmured. He offered no reply, just as I had come to expect. He was watching me, standing stock still in the same place he had been the entire time. I moved to stand in the doorway, hopefully far enough away that he couldn’t hear me anymore.

           As soon as my phone booted up, a plethora of notifications came through. Seventeen missed calls and twenty-four unread text messages, to be exact. I decided to forgo reading the messages, instead pressing the return call button and tapping my foot anxiously against the floor. Gavin didn’t keep me waiting long, picking up on the very first ring.

           “About time you answer your goddamn phone,” he hissed out. “Do you know how worried I’ve been? I even called your office phone and no one would answer that, either. What the fuck is going on? Where are you?”

           “I’m… In Mexico.”

           A long pause followed and I held my breath, waiting for the onslaught to begin.

           “You left the country without even bothering to tell me?” Gavin asked, his voice raising in volume. I could picture him now; probably sitting on our sofa, fists balled together and jaw clenched. “Would you like to enlighten me as to why you’re in Mexico?”

           I closed my eyes, frustration bubbling deep inside me. Today was arguably the shittiest day of my entire life, and I certainly didn’t need Gavin harping on about how I hadn’t been in touch. Honestly, informing him of my whereabouts had been the furthest thing from my mind.

           “It’s Spencer,” I began, trying to think of the proper way to word it all. “He got into some… trouble. We think he’s being framed by Scratch.”

           “Isn’t that the guy that just went after Tara’s family?”

           “Yeah, it is. He’s been laying low for the past few months, and I guess he was just building up to all of this. It’s really bad, Gav,” I whispered the last bit, hoping that Spencer couldn’t hear me. If he did, he made no move that indicated it. “He’s high out of his mind and can’t remember anything.”

           “How long will you guys be there?” Gavin asked, completely ignoring the fact that I mentioned Spencer at all. I bit down on my bottom lip to keep from saying something I might regret. I understand that he doesn’t like the guy, but he could show some common decency and at least pretend.

           “I’m not entirely sure. Rossi, Emily, and Luke just headed out to go check on a lead. I don’t know how long that’ll take.”

           “Wait, so, where are you?”

           “I’m at the jail with Spencer, why?” I inquired, running my hand through my hair and absentmindedly combing out the knots that had formed. I was sure that I looked a right mess, but I couldn’t be too bothered to care.

           “Let me get this straight. They left you alone with a guy who is wasted on God knows what, not knowing how he’ll react to it?” A bitter laugh flowed through the phone speaker. “Sounds like you don’t exactly work with the smartest bunch. What if he tries to attack you or something?”

           I let his words hang in the air for a moment, unable to formulate a reply that wasn’t something like you’re being an absolute fucking dick bag right now. No, I was a grown woman and I was going to communicate like one, despite the fact that his ignorant reply was making me shake with rage.

           “The first thing I’m going to address is the fact that this is not some guy. We’re talking about my best friend and teammate, and his name is Spencer. Use it,” I said through gritted teeth. “The second thing is that he’s not some wild animal. He’s not going to try to come through the bars and pounce on me. What he’s going through right now is traumatic, and he doesn’t need to be left alone right now. Show some compassion.”

           “Yeah, okay, I’m sorry,” Gavin muttered. It was the most unapologetic apology I’d ever heard in my life, prompting me to roll my eyes. I don’t understand how I can love someone and want to throttle them simultaneously. “I’m just worried about you, is all. How are you holding up?”

           “I’m as good as can be expected,” I sighed, bringing my free hand up to rub at my eyes. “I’m just tired of watching this guy terrorize all of my friends. First, he takes Hotch from us, then he nearly kills Tara’s brother, and now this. I’m beginning to think we’ll never catch a break.”

           “I know you’re tired, baby. Just try to hang on a little bit longer. As much as I question some of their decisions, your team is good at what they do. You guys will catch him. I have faith in you.”

           There it is. That’s the Gavin that I fell in love with.

           “Thank you,” I murmured. “It’s been a long day and I needed to hear that.” I cast a glance back at Spencer, who was now staring down at his bandaged hand, an indiscernible expression on his face. He looked so lost, standing all alone in the grimy holding cell. The lights cast shadows on his face, making his already angular face look gaunt. The Spencer I knew was the human embodiment of light; filling up every room he was in with his delightfully idiosyncratic presence. The Spencer in the cell was so shrouded in darkness that the room seemed to be swallowing him whole, taking his brilliance and crushing it into smithereens.

“Gav, I think I need to get back in there.”

           “Yeah, alright. Just keep me in the loop this time, please. I don’t like not knowing where my girlfriend is.”

           “I’ll make sure to check in whenever I can,” I promised, before tacking on a, “love you.”

           “Love you, too.”

           I pocketed my phone with hands that shook, no longer from rage but from apprehension. I liked to think that I was good at my job. I had done well at the academy; not well enough to have graduated at the top of my class, but I did manage to be in the top ten. After lucking into the job of a lifetime, I had fully committed myself to learning to be the best profiler I could possibly be. Two years of piecing together the innerworkings of criminal minds had taught me more than I ever could have imagined about the human psyche. I had talked many a deranged psychopath down from the ledge, and I had saved more than a few lives along the way. Unfortunately, not all cases can end favorably. Those are the ones that taught me the most.

           For all that I learned, nothing could’ve prepared me to deal with the shell of a man that stood before me.

           I was standing in front of him now, fiddling nervously with my hands. When Spencer had originally told me about his battle with addiction, I had taken it upon myself to do some research of my own. I wanted to be able to identify the signs, God forbid he ever relapse. While conducting my research, I had read somewhere that the best way to support someone during a come down is by remaining positive and creating a calm, safe environment.

           I was currently the antithesis of calm, but for Spencer’s sake, I was going to do my best.

           I took a step forward and offered him a small smile.

           “I’ve never seen you in jeans and boots before,” I said. I was proud of myself when the words came out sounding relatively casual. “It’s a good look on you, but I have to admit I prefer the academic look. I suppose it’s the sapiosexual in me.”

           He gave no response, but the tinniest tug at the corner of his mouth told me that he found my comment amusing.

           I let my eyes drag over him again and I fixated on the bandage on his right hand, frowning.

           “Do you remember what happened to your hand?”

           Spencer raised his hand up, absentmindedly flipping it over and inspecting it.

           “I don’t know,” he murmured. Spencer’s usually high pitched voice came out gravely, no doubt a byproduct of dehydration related to the drugs. My eyes skimmed across the holding cell and I frowned when I saw no water fountain in sight.

           “M’ gonna go get you some water, okay?” I turned away and pivoted on my heel, taking one step before a hand wrapped around my upper arm. I spun around so fast I nearly caught whiplash.

           Spencer’s eyes were wide and full of panic, conveying more emotion than he’d had since we’d arrived. His eyebrows were drawn together as well, contorting his face into a pitiful expression.

           “Don’t go,” he rasped, his hand still firmly grasping my arm. “Please.”

           The hopelessness in his voice was like a dagger through my heart. I nodded fervently and placed my hand over his, prompting him to loosen his grip. He did, and I took his hand in both of mine. I rubbed my thumbs over his skin, haphazardly tracing patterns in an attempt to calm him.

           “Yeah, okay. I’m not going anywhere, I promise,” I soothed, bringing his hand up to my mouth and placing a chaste kiss to the skin. “I’ve got you, Spence. It’s all going to be okay.”

           The look of panic slowly washed away the longer we stood there. He held onto my hands like I was a lifeline, the only thing tethering him to the ground. While I longed for nothing more than to really embrace him, to pull all of him into my arms and hold on for dear life, the bars that separated us inhibited me from doing so. So instead I just relished in the feel of his hand intertwined with my own.

           It would have to be enough for now.

--

           Nadi Ramos was dead.

           I didn’t have to ask Emily to know that the situation had gone from bad to absolutely fucking terrible. We knew Scratch was a horrendous individual; that much had been proved by his preferred modus operandi. We also knew that he had become fixated on taking down each of us one by one. He’d tried twice with Hotch, even going as far as to target his son, resulting in the two of them joining WITSEC for their own safety. The next blow had come when he had set his sights on Tara, or, more specifically, her brother. We’d gotten lucky with that one, having located and freed her brother just in the nick of time. After the incident with Tara’s brother, we all expected the next attack to come in quick succession. When several months passed with no sign of Scratch, we all became terribly on edge. No one was saying it, but we all were waiting to see which one of us would be next, crossing our fingers and hoping it wouldn’t be us.

           I knew that none of us were exempt from Scratch’s wrath, but for some reason, I’d never imagined him targeting Spencer.

           And target him he fucking did.

           “We know you didn’t do this,” Emily spoke for the group, knowing good and well that we were all on the same page.

           “How did it happen?” Spencer’s back was to us. His shoulders were slumped and his face downturned.

           “She was stabbed multiple times. It looked personal,” Luke answered, his voice low and careful. It was obvious to us all that he was being extra careful with his wording, making sure to broach the subject carefully. We all knew, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that Spencer was innocent; but that didn’t mean that Spencer did.

           Chief Castenada trudged into the holding cell, the portrait of all things cranky and unpleasant. His presence acted as a proverbial storm cloud on an already shitty day.

           “We got the results of your blood work. There’s cocaine and heroin in your system.”

           “What else?” Emily asked, causing Castenada to give her a confused look.

           “He was in possession of cocaine and heroin when he was arrested. I found what I needed.”

           I felt myself bristle and before I knew it, my mouth was open and I was spouting out pure venom.

           “Thanks so much for doing the bare minimum, but we’re going to need a full tox screen panel. We’re looking for scopolamine.”

           Emily’s eyes cut over to me and if I hadn’t been fighting on Spencer’s behalf, I would’ve withered under the weight of the shut the fuck up look she gave me. Instead, I continued on, silently praying I’d still have a job after today.

           “It’ll take longer, but we need it,” I explained in what I hoped was a slightly more accommodating tone. Castenada gave a curt nod in reply before exiting the room, grumbling something in Spanish that had Luke and Emily shooting daggers at his retreating figure.

           “Do I want to know?”

           Luke shook his head, shooting a small smile in my direction.

           “Let’s just say he’s not your biggest fan, and we’ll leave it at that,” he offered, before straightening out his expression and turning back to Spencer. “You were given a speed ball. The opiates block the dopamine in your brain. That’s why things go from clear to hazy. The combination of the drugs causes a dissociative state and explains the memory loss. Are you coming down now?”

           “I think so,” Spencer said. His cadence wasn’t as slow as it had been earlier, which was a relief.

           “Do you think you could do a cognitive interview?” Emily’s voice was hopeful, and if Spencer was one thing, it was a people pleaser. It was obvious that he was overwhelmed; I had taken note of the fact that he was displaying one of his nervous ticks. Spencer was touching the pad of his thumb on the tips of his other fingers in rapid succession. Despite his obvious discomfort, he nodded his head in agreeance.

           “I’ll try.”

           Rossi took the lull in conversation as an opportunity to hold up the plastic bag in his hand. I narrowed my eyes at it inquisitively. There were five vials of a murky, dark brown liquid in the bag.

           “There were five of these in your bag at the motel. Do you recognize them?”

           Spencer’s eyes zeroed in on the bag and its contents, his brows furrowing. It wasn’t long until a look of partial recognition flashed across his face. It was so faint that if he hadn’t been in a room of profilers, it would’ve gone unnoticed.

           “What is it?” I asked from my place at his side. He’d been somewhat clingy since the incident that had transpired while everyone was at the motel, gravitating towards me as soon as we all had been granted entrance to the holding cell. I knew that he needed familiarity right now; he was in a very vulnerable state and he needed something that made him feel safe and secure.

           Butterflies erupted in my stomach when I had realized what he was doing, that I was that thing that made him feel safe and secure.

Spencer opened his mouth once before closing it, as if trying to put his thoughts into words was difficult. He did this a few more times before settling on,

“Whatever’s in those vials, I was giving it to my mom,” he said, his eyes darting around the room as he spoke. “That’s the only thing I’m sure of.”

           “I’ll have them run it through the lab,” Rossi said, before leaving and heading towards the direction in which Castenada had retreated.

           Emily and Luke were quick to hop into a rushed conversation, leaving only Spencer and I still in the cell. I looked up at him, at the way his forehead creased as he bit his lip in quiet contemplation.

           “Are you sure you’re ready for a cognitive? I know the effects may be wearing off, but you’re gonna be cloudy for a while. If you don’t want to do it now, all you have to do is say the word,” I murmured, keeping my voice low so that only he could hear it. “I can tell that you’re a bit overwhelmed, and that’s okay.”

           Spencer’s response came in the form of a shrug of his shoulders.

           “I want to try, because I know it’s important. I just don’t know that it will be of much help,” he replied, casting his eyes down to me.

           “Yes, it is important, but don’t put too much pressure on yourself. We’ll figure this out even if you can’t remember it all right now.”

           Spencer nodded once before running his tongue across his chapped bottom lip.

           “I don’t remember what happened, but I know I didn’t kill her,” he whispered, barely audible. Even though his words were quiet, I could hear the desperation in them; almost as if he was begging me to believe them, begging himself to believe them.

           I made the irrational decision then to throw professionalism aside and wrap both of my arms around his torso, my grip tight and assured. Spencer’s aversion to touch was common knowledge amongst us all, but for some reason that never seemed to apply to me, and I could see in his eyes that the way we were all treating him like he was fragile was wounding him more than he would ever admit. I hoped to remedy that with my embrace, and the speed in which he reciprocated was so fast that I was certain he was thankful. He wrapped his injured hand around my waist, the other finding purchase in my hair. I felt his chest move as he let out a shuddering breath.

           “I know you didn’t, Spence. Everyone on the team knows you didn’t,” I reassured him, my words muffled as my face was pressed against his chest. “And we’re not going to stop until everyone else knows it, too.”

           I was well aware that our embrace had garnered the attention of our teammates, but Spencer’s hold on me hadn’t faltered in the slightest, so I didn’t let mine either. Instead, I gripped the fabric of his flannel shirt tighter in my hands.

--

           When Emily exited the room in which they had conducted the cognitive interview, the look on her face was grim. I visibly cringed at the sight as I felt the sliver of hope that I had left die a miserable death.

           We are so beyond fucked.

           “How’s he doing?” Rossi asked, obviously taking note of the distress on Emily’s face.

           “He’s made some breakthroughs, but I’m not sure how helpful they’ll be,” she sighed, running a hand through her jet-black hair. When none of us spoke, Emily’s eyes flitted around, finally noticing that our expressions were a direct reflection of her own. “What is it?”

           “They just charged Reid with the murder of Nadi Ramos.”

           Hearing it said aloud wasn’t any easier the second time.

--

           While the rest of us had taken it upon ourselves to lean against the cement walls, Luke had begun pacing down the short hallway. After about ten minutes of unbearable silence, he decided he’d had enough.

           “We can’t get him out of here, can we?” he finally spoke, his voice a mix of anger and desperation.

           “I don’t know how.”

           “He didn’t kill her,” I reiterated, speaking more to myself than the three of them.

           “If all I had to go on was the evidence, I would swear he did,” Rossi sighed. I knew he was right; Spencer’s personal belongings were all over the hotel room, which was about as incriminating as you could get. “But knowing Reid, hearing the cognitive…”

           “Yes, he said there was another person in that motel room, but,” Emily pressed play on the audio recording, and her voice proceeded to flow through the speakers.

           “Who has the knife? Who is stabbing Rosa?”

           “I don’t know. It’s in my hand.”

           Emily pressed the power button and the screen went black.

           “Right now, this is just more evidence against him.”

           “So, what do we do now? Do we just sit and twiddle our thumbs until the consulate agrees to the extradition?” I asked. “There’s got to be more we can do. We can’t let them take him to jail, he won’t survive in there.”

           “I called in some help from IRT. Clara Seger and Matt Simmons will be arriving at any moment,” Emily said, checking her phone after hearing it ping. “In fact, that would be them. They’re here.”

           I breathed a sigh of relief as we all fell into step beside Emily. Having people from other areas of expertise that are willing to help is a good thing. Maybe they’ll be able to see something that we didn’t.

--

           “We come bearing good news,” I announced, leading the group as we all entered the holding cell. Spencer was quick to turn around and the corners of his lips pulled upwards as he set his sights on all of us. “Back up is here.”

           “Hey Spencer,” Matt greeted, offering up a small smile before crossing his arms across his chest.

           “Hey,” Spencer replied, moving to stand up from his spot on the bench. He was still a little wobbly on his feet, but he was doing much better than he was when we had arrived. “Thank you for coming.”

           “Yeah, of course. Jack and me are finishing up a case in Costa Rica, so we hopped on a commercial plane to get here,” Clara explained.

           “We’re trying to stop you transfer to El Diablo.”

           Spencer’s eyes darted over to me and he swallowed hard before speaking.

           “Do you think it’s possible?” Hearing the hope in his voice tugged at my heart strings. The way that he could manage to stay optimistic at time like this was a true testament to his character.

           “Yes,” Clara began. “Lab reports on the vials came back and some of what was in there hasn’t been approved by the FDA, but there aren’t any illegal substances.”

           “That’s great news,” I sighed, letting out the breath that I didn’t know I had been holding.

           “Is there anything else you remember about your time here?”

           “I remember what happened to the vials at home. My mom threw most of them out.”

           “So, that’s why you were here. To get more,” Clara said in an attempt to clarify.

           “It must be,” Spencer murmured, shuffling anxiously from one foot to the other.

           “Well, you’re off the hook for that. There’s no contraband involved,” Matt announced. Okay, this is good. One less thing to worry about.

           “Yeah, but we’re still looking at the planted drug and the murder charges, which could keep you here for a long time.”

           “Can we do anything to delay the transfer?” I wondered aloud. Clara took into account what I said and sighed, before turning towards Spencer once again.

           “You said that you met Nadi, who calls herself Rosa, in Houston. Why didn’t she just give you the vials in the U.S.?”

           “I don’t know,” Spencer said, running his uninjured hand through his hair. “I don’t know, but she helped us and I trusted her. I was right to. I still believe that.”

           “Well, she convinced you to cross the border multiple times. She had you risk your life,” Matt argued.

           “Because she must have something to lose, too,” I mumbled, eliciting a series of fervent nods from Clara. “Family, maybe?”

           “We need to know more about her,” Clara said.

           And then, something glorious happened. It was like a switch had flipped inside of Spencer’s head, and all of the sudden the lights were back on. I could tell that he had been struck with an idea, and it was a wonderous sight to behold.

           “What was in those vials?” Spencer asked, only solidifying my observation.

           Matt produced a paper with the lab results and began reading off the results.

           “There are so nootropic compounds like Ampalex, uh, but also some more natural stuff; coral calcium, jimson weed, coconut oil, a variety of vitamins. B12, D3-”

           “Where are we right now?” Spencer interjected.

           “Matamoros, Northern Mexico.”

           “Jimson weed, otherwise known as the Devil’s Snare, originated in Mexico but its natural growing region is further north or south of the border,” Spencer said, his words flowing out rapidly. I felt my heart soar and I didn’t even try to suppress the smile that fought its way to my face.

           “Boy Genius is back,” I announced, and for just a moment, the mood in the room lightened for the first time all day.

           “So, if it isn’t from here, then were did she get it?” Clara asked.

           “Let me get Garcia on,” Emily murmured, dialing the number and tapping her foot as it rang. On the third ring, Penelope’s bright and cheerful voice filled the room, a sunbeam shining through on a cloudy day.

           “Please tell me you’re calling to tell me some good news.”

           “Garcia, I have some questions for you.”

           “Hey, Penelope,” Matt greeted, earning a pleasantly surprised gasp from the woman on the other end.

           “Oh my God, it’s the dulcet tones of Matt Simmons,” Penelope gushed. “Are you there to save the day?”

           “I’m trying. Clara’s here, too.” A relieved sigh floated through the speakers.

           “Knowing we have you guys as backup is providing me some much-needed hope, and I work better this way.”

           “Hey, lady,” Clara greeted. “We’re trying to catch up on a few things. Where is Nadi Ramos from?” Before Clara even managed to finish her sentence, the sound of Garcia’s acrylic nails tapping away at her keyboard could be heard.

           “Mm she lives with her family just north of Matamoros.”

           “That must be where she got the jimson weed,” Emily pointed out.

           “What’s weird in she crosses the border, like, a lot.”

           “Why?”

           “Well, she works in Houston at that clinic, but she also helps at a low-income healthcare center. I can’t find a visa on her, which is double weird. And, in finishing the weird trifecta, there’s a social security number on her W2 form.”

           “Social security? She’s an American citizen?” I asked. Matt confirmed my suspicions with a nod of his head.

           “Yeah, she had dual citizenship. She was born in Houston, and her family had to move back to Mexico. She lives with them and she works in the U.S.”

           “This changes everything. We need to talk to the consulate,” Emily stated.

           Just as things were beginning to look up, Chief Castenada decided to grace us with his presence once more; and this time, he had an entourage.

           “It’s time for his transfer,” Castenada announced, looking pointedly in my direction.

           “We’ve had a break in the case,” Emily argued, shaking her head at him. “The victim was also American, and that calls for extradition.”

           Castenada merely shrugged before walking past us all.

           “I’ve got orders, sorry,” he muttered, making Gavin’s apology from earlier in the day sound heartfelt in comparison. Castenada wasted no time in beginning to place handcuffs on Spencer, locking them in place with a definitive click. Spencer and I shared a look of panic before both of us looked towards Emily in a silent plea.

           One of the men roughly grabbed Spencer by the arm and led him from the room. I watched in horror as they led him away, my heart threatening to beat out of my chest. I barely registered the fact that Emily was now on the phone. I just stood there, staring blankly at the entrance to the cell.

           “With the victim having dual citizenship, we now have concurrent jurisdiction. It was my understanding that the official order to extradite SSA Spencer Reid would be evaluated,” Emily damn near snarled into the phone. She paused for a moment, listening to the voice on the other line, before a look of relief washed over her face. “I understand, thank you.” She promptly hung up the phone before turning to face Luke. “They’re taking it to their brass. Go get him.”

           Luke took off in a rush, not needing to be told twice.

           I only wished I could be there to see the look on Castenada’s face.

--

           “We’re working on all channels here. Matt Cruz is on with the consulate right now. We could get an immediate extradition, but it’s just the beginning,” Emily explained, her voice stern.

           Spencer regarded her with a weary expression. The drug induced haze had finally lifted, leaving him painfully aware of how dire the situation was.

           “I really screwed up and I’m so sorry,” he choked out, resulting in a crack forming in Emily’s hard exterior. I couldn’t blame her; it wasn’t easy to stay mad at Spencer Reid. Spencer’s eyes were like kryptonite to most; big and brown and full of emotion. I’m sure if you searched ‘puppy dog eyes’ in the dictionary, a picture of Spencer Reid would be found in example.

           “It was for the right reason.”

           “I can’t remember what happened, but I know I didn’t kill anyone.” It was obvious in the way that he kept repeating the words that he was desperate for us to believe him. No amount of calm reassurance from us could quell the voice in his head that was surely telling him that we thought him guilty.

           “We do, too.”

           Clara was first to enter the cell, immediately followed by Matt.

           “Hey, they approved the extradition,” Clara announced, smiling brightly at the three of us.

           “Effective immediately,” Matt added on.

           We all exchanged relieved smiles before Matt and Clara led Spencer from the cell. Emily and I were quick to follow, right on Matt’s heels when we were stopped by Castenada.

           “I must point out that I feel like justice isn’t exactly being served with this move.”

           I pursed my lips together. In the short time we had been in Mexico, my feelings towards the man had grown from distaste to almost a full-blown hatred. That being said, I couldn’t help but understand where he was coming from. If Spencer hadn’t been a federal agent, he wouldn’t be granted the privilege of the extradition. Nor would he be allowed to fly home with us. I hated to admit it, but Castenada made a valid point.

           “I understand, but I can assure you that this has gone to the highest ranks and there will be a full investigation,” Emily reassured him.

           “Thank you for working with us,” I offered in an attempt to smooth over the rift I had created earlier. Now that my judgement wasn’t so clouded by my need to defend Spencer, I could see the error of my ways. I hadn’t been the most professional.

           Castenada nodded once in my direction before turning his attention back to Emily.

           “For our reports, I would like to have the recording of that cognitive interview.”

           I felt my blood run cold. That interview would just add to the list of things that could be used against Spencer in court. He had openly admitted to holding the murder weapon in his own hands, an admission that would surely earn him twenty to life.

           We cannot give him that recording.

           Emily seemed to be on the same page as I was.

           “I didn’t record it.”

           Castenada’s face contorted into an ugly frown.

           “But that was our agreement,” he squawked angrily.

           “I determined he was still under the influence. Anything he said wouldn’t have clarified matters.”

           Castenada’s gaze never faltered, eyeing Emily in an attempt to discern if she was giving him the run around. Luckily, Castenada was unable to find a hint of dishonesty on Emily’s face, and he nodded in resignation.

           Years of profiling will teach you how to control your micro expressions.

           “You’re committed agents. And I’ve worked with the IRT before. I trust you know what you’re doing.”

           “We do. I promise,” I stated, my voice giving off more confidence than I felt. Yes, I thought to myself, there’s no doubt that we’re good at what we do.

           But so is Scratch.

--

           All was quiet on the jet, the steady thrum of the engine being the only sound that could be heard. Rossi had been the only one able to fall asleep, something that I would be sure to tease him about later. Next to Rossi sat Emily, who had busied herself with flipping through Spencer’s arresting report. Clara and Matt sat across from them, engulfed in their own hushed conversation.

           Spencer had opted to sit on the couch, but he didn’t allow himself to sprawl out like he normally would have done. He was visibly exhausted, wiping at his eyes frequently in an attempt to keep the fatigue at bay. It was almost like he was punishing himself; like he didn’t feel he deserved the solace that sleep would bring.

           “You should go talk to him. See if you can’t get him to lay down,” Luke whispered encouragingly from his seat beside mine.

           “I have no idea what to say to him,” I confessed. I tore my gaze away from Spencer and turned my attention to Luke. “There’s nothing I can say that will make this any better.”

           “You’re not wrong about that, but maybe just letting him know you’re here for him will help. Just go and sit with him, I’m sure he could use a friend right now.”

           Luke was right. I let out a dramatic sigh before shooting Luke a pointed look.

           “Since when did you get so insightful?”

           A grin stretched its way across his face.

           “Always have been, sweetness. It’s part of my charm. I’m more than just a pretty face, you know.”

           “And on that note, I’ll be going,” I announced, standing up from my seat and walking the short distance to the couch. Luke’s chuckles sounded off behind me and I couldn’t help but smile; note to self, make more of an effort to get to know Luke Alvez.

I approached slowly, hoping not to startle him as he seemed to be lost in his own world. He didn’t notice me until I came to a stop in front of the couch. Spencer’s head shot up suddenly, the worry on his face melting away to form a small smile.

“Hi,” I greeted, returning his smile tenfold. “You looked like you could use some company. Do you mind if I sit?”

Spencer gave me a soft smile and scooted over, patting at the space next to him. I lowered myself onto the couch, angling my body so it was facing him.

“You’re tired,” I observed, leaning back into the soft cushions. Spencer shrugged in reply, opening his mouth to argue, only for a yawn to slip out. I let out a light laugh. “Don’t even try to argue. There’s no telling how long you’ve been up. Why don’t you try and get some sleep?”

Spencer’s eyes reluctantly met mine and I felt almost paralyzed when I saw the sheer vulnerability in them.

“Researchers from the University of Cardiff conducted a two-part study looking at whether people’s daily frustration or fulfilment of their psychological needs, such as feeling autonomous or competent, affects their dreams. The results from the first study showed that people who were frustrated with their daily situation tended to have recurring dreams in which they were falling, failing or being attacked,” he rasped out, his words jumbling together as they fell from his mouth in rapid succession. “The lead author on the study concluded that negative dream emotions may directly result from distressing dream events, and might represent the psyche’s attempt to process and make sense of particularly psychologically challenging waking experiences.”

“And you’re worried your dreams will reflect what happened today.”

Spencer bit the inside of his cheek before nodding in affirmation.

“I can’t promise you that you won’t dream about those things,” I began, my voice coming out soft. “But I can tell you that sleep deprivation can cause lots of very unfortunate symptoms like impaired memory, reduced physical strength, and inability to concentrate. Do you know how I know those things?”

A light flush dusted over the tops of his cheeks.

“Probably because I’ve made it a habit to bore you with my information dumps.”

I shook my head adamantly, reaching a hand up and ruffling up his hair. He batted my hand away, ducking his head to try and hide the smile tugging at his lips.

“Never a bore, Spence. But yes, I know those things because of you and that remarkable brain of yours. And we’re going to need that remarkable brain in tip top shape if we want to get you out of this mess, understood?”

“Yeah, I guess so,” he relented.

I patted a hand on my lap, an invitation for him to use me as a pillow. He seemed hesitant, eyes flitting from my face before going back down to my lap.

“Don’t act shy around me, Pretty Boy. I know better than anyone that you’re a secret cuddle bug,” I teased, earning a snort from the man next to me.

“Am not,” he harrumphed, before deciding to take me up on my offer. He laid his head down on my lap before stretching his legs out across the expanse of the couch. My heart lurched pitifully when he nuzzled his head into my leg before letting out a loud sigh.

“Thank you,” Spencer whispered, voice thick with emotion. His eyelashes fluttered against his cheeks, casting tiny shadows on his face. I smiled at the sight and began carding my hands through his hair.

“No need to thank me,” I murmured, raking my nails against his scalp and eliciting a pleased hum from him. “Don’t you worry about a thing, okay? We’re going to get you out of this. I know we will. And don’t worry about your mom, either; I’m going to check on your mom every day, I promise.”

Spencer’s breathing stuttered at the mention of Diana, and I worried I had crossed a line. He stayed silent for a moment, before moving his hand up and squeezing my knee.

“You’re entirely too good to me.”

“Yeah, well, you’d do the same for me. That’s what friends are for.”

No more words were exchanged, and within five minutes Spencer’s breathing evened out and he was asleep.

--

Several hours later, we were all filing out of the elevator and into the bullpen. I shivered slightly as the cool air hit my bare arms, but I tried not to show my discomfort. I’d shrugged off my sweater and offered it to Spencer the moment we stepped off the jet, draping it across his cuffed hands in an attempt to conceal them. Spencer had thanked me with a pitiful smile and I returned the sentiment, blinking several times to try and stifle the tears pooling in my eyes.

JJ was the first to greet him, with Stephen, Tara and Penelope following closely behind. I watched on for a moment before my attention was pulled elsewhere. Stephen’s phone had rung, prompting him to slip away from the group and retreat further down the hall. I furrowed my brow at this, taking advantage of my colleagues’ distraction as I wandered towards Stephen. I strained to hear his whispered words, but just as soon as I neared, he ended the call.

“What was that about?” I asked quietly. The look on his face told me that the news couldn’t be good, and I didn’t want to ruin the reunion going on just down the hall. They all deserved a few moments of relief.

Stephen let out a long sigh and ran his hand through his hair before speaking.

“I, uh, just got a call. Reid isn’t eligible for the bureau’s legal assistance.”

Stephen’s words sent a jolt of white-hot dread through me. “How is that even possible?”            “Spencer went without being briefed, and he wasn’t in Mexico on government business. They refuse to represent him.”

I let my wary eyes drift down the hall, towards the group of wonderful misfits that I had grown to think of as family;

Penelope, whose optimism never wavered, even in the face of the absolute worst that the world had to offer.

JJ, a devoted mother with a heart of gold and a fierceness that inspired me every single day.

Tara, one of the most intelligent and caring women I had ever had the privilege to know.

Rossi, a father figure to all with enough wisdom to create a legacy that would inspire generations of profilers to be.

Emily, a fearless leader whom I trusted with my life and would follow into battle without question.

Luke, a newcomer who took special care to comfort me when I was at my worst.

Spencer, a man too remarkable to even try to describe with words. A man that anyone of us would defend until our very last breath.

That undeniable truth gave birth to the tiny sliver of hope growing inside of me. Spencer Reid was innocent, and we are all hellbent on proving it.

I nodded once in affirmation, more to myself than to Stephen, before allowing myself to meet his gaze.

“We’re on our own.”

And if anyone could pull this off, it was this team. My team.

There is a point when facing the unknown stops being a longed-for adventure and becomes a terrifying reality.

           -Storm Constantine

[mandos-lightningbeforethunder]

Start Again - Chapter Nine (Din Djarin x Reader)

SUMMARY: On their trek through the canyon to find their bounty, Din learns more about the girl than he had previously known and contemplates how she managed to survive everything she's been through. Of course, as he's learned from his time with her, they can never have peace in their search for the truth. 

CHAPTER WARNINGS: Discussion of sterilization, a brief discussion of forced pregnancy, discussion of childbirth, and blood loss mention. 

Author’s Note: Wow, long time no see. Life's been busy so I apologize for the severe lack of updates, I've been focusing on getting back into the workforce as well as the school semester starting up. I've also hit a major roadblock with writing and in the meantime, I've taken a step back so I'm not forcing myself or producing lackluster content. However, I'm excited to give you all this chapter! I hope you all enjoy it! 

CHAPTER NINE - A STRANGER ARRIVES

Ka’rta. Mando’a for heart. The girl had a lot of heart.

Din hadn’t let it show, but the news of her diagnosis had hit him hard. The Empire had tortured her beyond belief, if her nightmares weren’t evidence enough, the scars he saw when she was sedated had told him enough. They took her son away, wiped her mind in the process, and then left her for dead. If that wasn’t enough, they forcibly sterilized her.

“They sterilized her not long after they discovered she wasn’t the one with force-sensitive capabilities.” Dr. Orn informed him. Underneath his helmet, Din frowned at the doctor’s words. A part of him grew angry, angry at the idea that since the girl was no longer of use to them, they’d toss her away. Din was disgusted.

“What you’re saying is…is that they removed her ability to have any future children because she couldn’t produce a child with abilities?” Din’s mouth tasted like bile.

“It was their belief that the child’s father was the one who passed the traits onto his son, not her.” Dr. Orn frowned at him, possibly having the same thoughts of how vile the Empire was. “Although, had they decided to—” Din held up his hand and stopped Dr. Orn’s words.

It was enough. Basic genetics explained that even if the mother didn’t carry the trait, as long as the father did, there was a chance a child with the Force would be born. Din couldn’t even comprehend the idea of the Empire forcibly impregnating her like some breeding farm.

Instead, they remained ignorant of actual genetics and because they couldn’t breed her like a kriffing animal, they removed any ability to ever have her own children. If she couldn’t produce more force-sensitives, then why let her have any more children at all.

Deep down, Din knew of the atrocities committed by the Empire but what they did to her, made him feel physically ill.

He had felt numb hearing the news. How she managed to carry herself afterward Din didn’t know. How she even managed to put up a fight in their training session he didn’t know. It made him question everything he had known about the universe. To endure that pain and continue on, Din had hardly met anyone stronger than that.

The strength she had displayed, wielding the sticks as if they were true weapons, coming at him with all her might, even if it meant she’d meet the ground again. Briefly, he had taken pleasure in sweeping her off her feet, just to see her get annoyed. He wanted to see what her reactions would be. He hadn’t expected much out of her, especially considering the news she had received earlier. After the second time, he could tell she was vibrating with anger, ready to come at him. It was unexpected, but not unwelcome. Followed by a few successful hits and a near kick and Din found himself almost proud of her. With time, she’d come into fighting naturally.

“I know the view is pretty, Mando, but I think we have a bounty we need to find,” Her voice makes the memories of last night fade and he chuckles.

“Patience,” He murmurs, putting the last of the supplies together in his pack. He knew she was eager to get moving, the motivation to find a possible clue in her past driving her.

An ex-Imperial, trying to lay low in a post-Empire universe. The New Republic had been searching for him but after months with no news or record of him being alive, they presumed he must’ve been killed at the end of the war. The New Republic had bigger things to worry about. Orus, still running off its own government, didn’t believe any Imperial to be dead. The droid had made it clear that no Imperial was believed to be dead unless you killed them yourself.  

Opseg law enforcement pushed out the supposed ‘dead’ bounties like clockwork, and apparently, it wasn’t too hard to find them. Din had seen the holoprojectors displaying successful hunts, it was safe to say that the Opseg agency expected the same from him and the girl. It seemed clear from the data that plenty of ex-Imperials or sympathizers found themselves on Orus, hoping that the planets bustling city life would offer a decent cover to start a new life.  

Din pulled a vibroblade out of his boot, testing the weight in his fingers before he hands it to the girl. Her eyes widen in shock but she carefully takes it into her hands. The blade was one of Din’s firsts when he had first started with the Guild. Before he had found himself more comfortable with blasters and pulse rifles, Din had been more into close combat and the use of knives. After their brief training session last night, it was clearer that while he was a long-distance fighter, the girl was suited for close combat.

“You trust me?” She asks, glancing at it as she studies the hilt and the blade itself. Din had managed to keep it in decent condition even throughout these years, maintaining it despite its lack of use.

“I do,” Din says, watching as her eyes light up. “I think you’ll be able to handle yourself out there and if not, I’ll be there to catch you.”

“It’s beautiful,” she murmurs, admiring the build of the vibroblade. Holding the hilt in the palm of her hand, she takes a few practice swings with it, moving with precision. The rays from the suns beam onto the blade, glittering off her face.  

“It’s also dangerous, so be careful.” Din reminds her and she nods, tucking the blade away.

“So,” she sighs, “What’s so special about this bounty other than being an ex-Imp? Seems to me that everyone was working for the Empire at some point in their life.”

“He’s an ex-Imperial officer. Higher up, not indoctrinated like Stormtroopers, so he was well aware of what the Empire was doing.” Din responds, tossing his bag over his shoulder.

“And you said he might know about what happened to me?” She asks, her voice tilting towards a hopeful tone. He doesn’t want to get her hopes up, but the research he had done on the bounty told him enough.

No identifying information on the ship he worked on, but with the blanks in his information, it was safe to say that whatever he did work on, the Empire didn’t want it getting out. After the war, most of it had been erased and all that was left was bits and pieces. An officer, overseeing prisoners of the war. Din had concluded that he had to at least know about what happened to the girl. She wasn’t just someone captured to rot in a cell for the rest of her life. She had some importance to them; they stole her son from her and wiped her memories. All the more reasons to find out the truth from this bounty.

“It’s a possibility. He oversaw a lot of the prisoners. There’s a chance he knew about you. Or your case, at the very least.” He replies, watching as she takes in the information.

“How soon do we have to bring him in once we find him?” She says. She’s quiet now, looking to the horizon of Opseg.

“A day or so, maybe. They incentivize you to bring the bounty in early for more credits.” He answers and she merely hums. A conflict of emotions washes over her face. There’s a question she’s too afraid to ask, unsure if she would receive the answer she was seeking.

“Will he give us information?” Right on target. Din’s not sure what to give her. Could they torture him for information? Sure, maybe the Opseg law enforcement wouldn’t question it. Would he even have any information? Again, Din did not know for sure. He wouldn’t mind getting his hands a little dirtier for the sake of information the bounty may have on the girl.

“I don’t know,” he answers instead, watching as she frowns. Not exactly the answer she was looking for then.

Displaying the map of the canyons on Orus, Din pinpoints the bounty’s last known location. He had hidden in the deepest parts of the canyon. It was likely that he had a camp set up and an array of weapons to protect himself. Din wouldn’t be surprised if he and the girl came across a couple of dead bounty hunters in various stages of decay. An Imperial was already a formidable opponent, but an Imperial officer who held a lot of information on the Empire was not a force to reckon with.

Veteran bounty hunters knew better and had expectations. If a bounty were on edge, they’d do anything to protect themselves and their assets. An amateur hunter gets too cocky and the bounty quickly puts them down and moves elsewhere, losing the trail. It was all a matter of survival.

“It’s a bit of a hike,” Din informs the girl, watching her eyes as she scans the projected image. “The droid says he’s been hiding out here for the past few weeks. He moves around after a new set of hunters come after him.”

A blinking dot displays the bounty’s last known position. The girl hums, her mouth set in a hard line as she scans the map once more, seeming to put it to memory.

“He’s getting comfortable. No new bounty hunters in a good month, maybe he thinks they’ve forgotten him,” The girl says, looking to him for confirmation.

“That, or he’s expecting a full force, so we need to be prepared for both. He’s already managed to figure out the schedule of bounty hunter arrivals. Supposedly barricades himself by the time they arrive at his camp. Takes them out and moves locations before a new round of hunters come along.” Din states, clicking through the projector to detail the number of hunters this bounty has killed off.

It’s numbers he hasn’t seen since he had taken the bounty of Fennec Shand with that hotshot bounty hunter, Toro Calican. With Shand “dead” and Calican kidnapping Grogu in the hopes of making a name for himself, Din never wanted to experience anything similar again. This bounty he and the girl had taken up would not come easily.

“He would be smarter if he moved during the downtime of hunters. That way we wouldn’t know his last whereabouts.” The girl says. The light of the holoprojector flickers off her face as Din shuts it off.

“His ignorance will play to our advantage,” Din says, placing the holoprojector in his bag, “it wouldn’t be any easier if he did decide to move during the downtime.”

Din’s not expecting much, the ex-Imperial has most likely grown comfortable living out in the canyon. Their arrival might come as a surprise, but deep down, Din knows that the bounty will be prepared for a fight. Even if it means toeing with a Mandalorian.

Beginning their trek through the canyon, Din takes the lead for the first hour into the journey. The canyons on Orus are difficult terrain. The course he had set for them was not smooth at all, it was rocky and there were several instances of Din having to pull himself up over a ledge, then pulling the girl up as well.

The faint cry of animals keeps them close to one another, not trusting that the creatures will be welcoming of their presence. Din had already learned the hard way of a welcoming presence. He should’ve expected as much, given that the planet shared a system with Nevarro. The girl, however, keeps the mood light by humming songs native to Puvo. The soft thrum of her voice keeps the hike from being filled with a painful silence, which Din is grateful for.

The hike is peaceful and with the soft hum of the girl, Din relaxes through their trek, allowing himself to admire the planet and the way the vegetation grows despite the lack of sunlight. He still scans his surroundings, keeping an eye out for any potential danger. He studies the shade of the canyon walls that cut off the sunlight even as the planets still grow, fruits hanging off the branches of trees and the leaves of planets greener than he had ever seen before.

The sounds of a running creek pause them in their journey, the girl’s humming coming to a stop as they gather at the edge of the bank. This time the girl’s singing doesn’t fill the silence, just them filling their canteens with the water. Din even watches as the girl leans over and washes the sweat from her face, running her hands down her neck in order to cool herself.  

“I think it’s deep enough to swim.” The girl says, leaning back into the sand after her last drink of the water.

“You think?” Din asks her, watching her as she nods.

“Maybe,” she says, “The creeks on Puvo were shallow, meant for work. Finding an actual source of water that wasn’t meant for work or consumption was difficult, but when I did find one, I managed to get Valara to go with me.” She smiles as she seems to look back on the memories.

“I don’t think I’ve ever been swimming,” Din tells her and she chuckles.

“Not even when you were a boy?” She turns, looking at him. In truth, he can’t remember a time when he was that young, not since before he swore the Creed. When he finds himself trying to look back, the only thing he finds himself remembering is the destruction of his home and the death of his parents.

“No,” he finally says, pulling himself out of his head.

“Castin loved to swim. He wanted to swim before he could even walk. The village thought I was crazy to give him that chance, but he proved them wrong.” She smiles, but he can see the pain in her eyes as she struggles to look back at that particular memory. He knows it’s a painful reminder of what was stolen from her.

“Do you remember them? Your village,” Din supplies. The girl blinks, slowly nodding.

“Parts of them. Faces are a blur but their voices are clear to me. We were a small but tight-knit community. Everyone helped everyone.” The girl glances up at him and smiles. “I can’t remember exact details like friends or family, just Castin and maybe the midwife who helped deliver him.”

“But you don’t remember if you ever had a husband?”

“All children were loved regardless of if their parents were married or not. But, no, I don’t remember him if he were to exist at all.”

Din feels peace when she answers that she doesn’t remember. A part of him hopes that there wasn’t any partner involved, that way she could only focus her attention on Castin. She didn’t need another heartbreak if she were to ever find out the truth of what may have happened to her village. If there had been a husband, would he have been killed off by the Empire? Was he still alive?

“I do remember the pain of bringing him into the world. It was a difficult birth.” The girl interrupts his thoughts. “The healer had monitored me throughout the entire pregnancy, I knew going in it was high-risk.”

“High-risk…” Din pauses, “Like, dying?”

“Yes,” she sounds calm when she answers. He supposes that the discussion is no longer painful since she survived the ordeal and is here now. “I was in labor for several hours. I nearly died. The midwife said there had been a lot of blood…they couldn’t stop it. I remember telling her his name, but truthfully, I wasn’t sure if he had died. It was chaos.”

Din watches her as she examines the flow of the water, tracing her fingertips above the surface. In the time they had spent together, he found himself learning more about the number of times she had faced death even before the Empire had its grasp on her. Even before her son had been born, it seemed fated that one of them would die.

“State your business.”

Dank farrik. Din was tired of being snuck upon.

He and the girl turn, facing the source of the voice. A masked man with a rifle stands in front of them. The upper half of his face remains covered, only the lower half displaying his displeasure with seeing them here. He’s also wearing armor, but it’s not like beskar. The barrel of the man’s weapon points at the girl and at this close of range, she would not survive the shot.

“The public is not barred from traveling within the canyons.” Din responds, watching as the man shifts his stance, the barrel of the rifle moving to point at his chest plate.

“The public population knows not to travel these canyons. Only outsiders take that chance, so I’ll say again, state your business.” The man snarls, the barrel of his rifle swiveling to focus on him. The blast wouldn’t pierce the beskar, but Din wasn’t about to take that chance.

It’s not a blaster rifle, the closer Din studies it. It’s a stun gun, meant to temporarily incapacitate rather than go for the kill. Why this rifleman, clearly upset, didn’t have his rifle set to kill, Din didn’t know.

“Bounty work. Sent by the Opseg law enforcement.” Din states, his hand settling on his hip just above the blaster in his hip holster.

The sky is a soft shade of blue with light cloud coverage. Din doesn’t remember looking up at the sky but as he struggles to move his limbs, he understands why. The rifleman had shot him. Someone’s screaming. It’s the girl.

“Relax, sweetheart. He’s not dead.” He can hear voices, muffled as his vision blurs.

[jalapeno-princess]

Off Limits

Gynecologist Mark X Reader

Word Count: 7.6K

Genre: Angst, fluff, badly written smut (the whole shabang) 

Warnings: Fingering, hand job, oral (female receiving) doctor & patient relationship (honestly I was very hesitant on writing something like this (BUT I’VE SEEN KINKIER SHIT ON HERE SO YOLO)

Summary: You’ve been having pelvic pains and after voicing your concerns to your mom, she recommends that you go and see a gynecologist. It’s in that moment when you find out that your childhood crush Mark Tuan is the doctor she is referring to and before you could object, she ends up making you an appointment. Seeing Mark for the first time since he went away for college sends butterflies to your tummy and you don’t think you’ll be able to last through the entire appointment knowing what he is going to have to do to you. You discover that Mark harbors the same feelings you’ve had for him for the entirety of knowing him and little do you know, you are the reason for the fall out of his friendship with your brother.

A/N: Hey guys, I really don’t know where this idea came from and I’m honestly kind of all over the place with the idea of this BUT WHATEVER I’m sorry if it’s uncomfortable but IDK it’s probably my hoe ass fantasies getting the best of me please enjoy (I also was kind of lazy to go in to depth about the smut so sorry about that)

When you walked in to the doctor’s office, you were immediately greeted by the receptionist at the counter as she asked you for your name and time of your appointment. Since you were a new patient, she handed you some paperwork to fill out and informed you that she would call you when it was your time to go in. As you took a seat and began filling out the forms, you couldn’t help but secretly wish your mom went with you to your appointment. 

Sometimes you’d forget you were 23-years-old with the way your mom still had to schedule your appointments and there were times that she’d be in the office with you and even talked to your doctor for you. Right now, as you continued to insert your information, you wanted nothing more than for her to be with you, especially because the doctor you were seeing just so happened to be the same person you’ve had a crush on since you were 7-years-old. 

Just a few days ago, you called your mom after you finished work and complained about having a dull pain in what you assumed was your ovaries. Being the irresponsible person you were, you hardly ever went to visit your gynecologist which both upset and worried your mom, especially because of the many different diseases and syndromes there were in women’s private areas. After scolding you for being a procrastinator and waiting till something was wrong with you to actually go and get checked up, it was in that moment that she recommended you go and see Mark Tuan. 

Mark Tuan was your older brother’s best friend since elementary school. The two of them were practically two peas in a pod. Wherever one went, the other followed. Whatever sport one joined, so did the other. They were just that close; that meant you saw Mark almost every single day. 

When you were younger, he would always jokingly bully you; but deep down you knew his playful antics were all in good fun. He would always try to keep you out of your brother’s room as they played video games, steal the last cookie in the cookie jar since you weren’t able to reach it and made fun of the fact that you owned so many stuffed animals. 

It was in those moments of teasing that you developed a hatred for the older boy. Whenever he came over, you’d never acknowledge his presence and pretended he never existed. Even at dinner if he were to stay over, you found yourself sitting as far away from him as possible. The longer you held a grudge on him and stayed away from him, the more you realized that you didn’t hate him. No, you were developing a crush on him. But you were too young to even know what feelings were and when you explained what you felt about him to your mom, she thought it was adorable and told you it was puppy love. 

However, as you grew older, your feelings for Mark grew deeper and deeper more and more every day. Whenever he laughed or smiled, your heart felt as if it were about to burst from out of your chest. Since he was five years older than you and because he was your brother’s best friend, you pushed the idea of him reciprocating your same feelings to the back of your mind. You never failed to notice how his facial features and even his body grew more defined as the years went on and it only made things harder for you. 

You’d have to come up with excuses not to be around him because you’d act like a complete idiot if he was around and the last thing you needed was for anyone, Mark especially to find out that you liked him. Unfortunately, in your senior year of high school, Mark graduated with his bachelor’s degree in psychology and got accepted in to one of the most prestigious medicinal colleges in the country. From the time you met him, Mark made it known that he wanted to be a doctor of some sort. 

He always loved helping people and wanted to give back to his community in any way that he could. It was one of the main reasons why you liked him so much and although you were going to miss him, you know his absence was going to be a good thing. You needed to get over him and this was the only way possible. 

Your senior year came and went and before you knew it, you were applying to many different colleges all over the world. You ended up moving to New York and attended NYU with the intent of getting your degree in education. Just like Mark, you loved being able to lend a hand to anyone who needed it and the idea of being able to enhance and teach the little minds of children always sent a smile to your face. 

As soon as you graduated, you returned back to your hometown with the thought of teaching at your old elementary school. You haven’t talked to or heard from Mark since he left all those years ago, but your mom never failed to update you on his achievements and the fact that he was now a very well known gynecologist. You felt childish when you found yourself cringing and squirming at the idea of Mark having to possibly look at you down there, especially because you’ve daydreamed about being intimate with him every now and then. 

He was a gynecologist, it was his job to make sure everything was okay in your vaginal region, so why were your hands clammy and why were you so nervous at the idea of him having to observe your lady parts? Not too long after filling out all of your papers and handing them back to the receptionist, she called you over and had you follow her in to one of the rooms. 

“Okay y/n, what brings you here today? Is it just a regular check up or is there something bothering you?” You scratched the back of your neck in embarrassment at the actual reason for your visit before speaking up. 

“I—um—I’ve been having pains uh—down there. It’s not so much painful as it is uncomfortable but it does bother me and my mom wanted to make sure nothing is wrong with me.” She nodded in understanding while writing down everything you were telling her. After a few moments, she handed you a hospital gown and told you to remove everything and let you know that Mark was going to come in soon. You’ve seen a gynecologist a few times back in college, but this was the first time seeing one after returning home and you knew you should’ve went and looked for someone else. Who cares if Mark was highly recommended and if he was good? He was like an older brother to you. 

Although, you noticed he began to grow distant towards you right before he left and it pained you that he was no longer the happy go lucky pain in the ass that he always was towards you almost your entire life. While you were away at college, you also learned that he and your brother had a little fall out and you believed it was because they went their separate ways and neither of them had time to keep in touch. 

The idea of him practically seeing you naked in an environment like this made you extremely uncomfortable and you almost found yourself running out of the entire office completely. You were an adult, you had to suck it up and just deal with the fact that Mark was your new gynecologist. 

Changing out of your clothes felt extremely awkward and you felt so vulnerable knowing you were entirely naked under the hospital gown. You knew Mark had to be professional in an occupation like this and you were sure he’s seen quite a few vaginas in his career, so it didn’t matter that the two of you knew each other. You were going to try your best to look at him as your doctor and not the boy who helped teach you how to ride a skateboard so you could make it to your classes on time back in your freshman year. 

The soft knock on the door broke you out of your thoughts and as soon as your eyes landed on him, your breath hitched. It’s been almost four years since you’ve seen him and you didn’t think it was possible knowing how handsome he always was, but he became even more gorgeous. Seeing him in a doctor’s coat with a dress shirt, slacks and a tie you recognized that your family bought for him when he first entered college made your head spin. How could someone be this good looking? It wasn’t fair and the toothy grin he was sending your way sent tingles down your spine. 

“Hey stranger. How’ve you been? I had to do a double take when I saw your name on my upcoming appointment list. You look great y/n. And I heard you’re a teacher now, congratulations.” You felt as if someone had a hold on your tongue. His compliment made you freeze and you felt so small under his gaze. Why did your mom force you in to making him your new gynecologist and why didn’t you disagree with her? This was going to be a long day. 

“I—hi. I’ve been good. Thank you for asking. Yeah, I just started teaching kindergarten a few months ago and I love it so far. Congratulations on opening your own practice although, I can’t say I’m not surprised. You were always so hard working and went after everything you set your mind to.” For someone who was about to turn 28-years-old, his adorable high pitch laughter never changed and it sent warmth to your cheeks. His laugh had to be one of your favorite sounds in the entire world. 

Mark was always soft spoken and shy around those he didn’t know all too well but you knew the real Mark and it seemed like he was always laughing whenever he was at your house. There were a few occasions where you made him laugh and it tugged on your heartstrings knowing you were the reason behind such a beautiful sound. You would listen to him laugh all day if you could. 

“Yeah, shit was rough but I guess it was worth it. I’ll be honest with you, gynecology was the last field I’d find myself in but the doctor I was studying under recommended it and claimed it wasn’t as cutthroat of a profession as other medical occupations. I’ve delivered a couple of babies and that was pretty cool. I kinda was hoping to go in to pediatrics like Jinyoung, but he always complains about it every now and then but then again, he wasn’t always fond of kids. Ah, I’m blabbering like I always used to—Erica said you’ve been having pains down there. How long has it been going on for?” You began to think about when the pains first started happening and shrugged indifferently. 

“Almost a month ago but I didn’t think anything of it. I guess I assumed it had to deal with my period but I’ve had these pains even after my cycle was over.” You were quick to notice how Mark’s eyes never left yours once since he entered the room. He has always been like that since you were kids. Even if he was quite the jokester, whenever you’d talk to him his eyes were constantly looking you over; giving you his full attention. You’d find yourself fumbling your words knowing that he always had his gaze on you and it never seemed to falter. When you heard a soft chuckle fall from his lips, you raised one of your brows and looked at him in curiosity. 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to laugh it’s just—you haven’t changed one bit. You were always the procrastinator. Especially whenever it comes to your health and well-being. Remember when you were riding your bike, went over a speed bump, fell off and scraped your knee? Instead of running in the house to go clean it, you took a picture and posted it on Instagram.” 

You found yourself laughing along with him when you remembered the exact memory he was referring to. You had just turned 14 at the time and wanting to impress Mark, you decided to try out some tricks that you saw on YouTube. He was a just starting college around that time, and being the delusional little girl you were thinking that maybe one day there could be something between the two of you, you wanted to show him that you were mature enough for him. 

However, your plans went to shit the minute you fell off of your bike but instead of crying like you knew you probably would have if you were younger, you took out your phone and snapped a picture of the huge gash on your knee. Mark didn’t hesitate to run over to you the minute you tipped over and politely scolded you before ripping off a piece of his flannel and wrapping it around the wound as a makeshift bandage. That memory was one of your favorites with Mark. He showed genuine concern and worry for you and it made you smile like an idiot knowing he cared about you. 

“I know. I should take better care of myself. I’ll try better.” He nodded in agreement before taking a look at his clipboard and returning his attention back to you. 

“Okay y/n, this is the part where it’ll probably get weird knowing our history together, but I have to ask these questions as your gynecologist.” From past experiences at the gynecologist office, you knew exactly what questions he was referring to and you took in a deep breath while allowing him to continue.

“Do you drink or smoke?” You shook your head in disagreement. Mark and your brother were party animals. Your parents had to pick them up every now and then from parties because they got too drunk and couldn’t find their own way home. You on the other hand didn’t find the point in getting drunk nor did you want to ruin your lungs over something so unnecessary such as smoking.

“Do you have regular periods?”

“I think so.”

“Are you pregnant or think there’s a chance you are pregnant?”

“No.”

“Are you sexually active?” You knew the question was coming and you dreaded it. It felt weird having to tell him of your intimate life but like he said, it was his responsibility as your doctor to ask you these questions. 

“No. Not right now.” If you weren’t staring at the ground in attempts to hide the redness on your cheeks, you’d be able to see the blush on Mark’s. He was just as flustered asking you these questions as you were answering them but he had to be a mature adult and put your past and the fact that the two of you knew each other to the back of his mind. 

“How many sexual partners have you had in the last year?”

“None.”

“Bullshit.” As soon as the profanity fell from his lips, that’s when you found yourself looking up at him. What exactly did he mean by that?

“Excuse me?” He must’ve not realized exactly what he said because his eyes widened in shock. 

“Sorry—I didn’t—it’s nothing. Forgive me, it’s been a long day. Now, back to the questions.” Knowing Mark for as long as you have, you knew that he was lying. There was meaning behind his confrontation and you were dying to know why the blurted out the word bullshit; but he wasn’t going to say it. It took you back to the last day you saw him. Your family went to see him off at the airport before he left for college and he pulled you in to a tight hug before opening his mouth as if he wanted to tell you something; but nothing came out. It must have not been important and you tried your best to forget about what it is that he wanted to tell you no matter how badly you wish he would’ve said it. 

“Do you—uh—do you touch yourself?” Again, you knew he had to ask you that but you really did not want to answer the question. You’d be lying if you said no and you felt weird if he knew that yes, you were guilty of masturbation. Mark was the last person you wanted knowing that you played with yourself every now and then and you were sure he’d look at you in a different light if you told him the truth but when you found yourself nodding in agreement, you knew it was too late. 

Seeing his ears turn red made you stifle back a laugh. Was he really getting bashful asking you questions you knew he probably asked every single one of his patients? Did he act so nervous and flustered whenever he had to ask them these questions, or was it because it was you, someone he probably considered a younger sister that he now felt awkward having to inquire about what you did in your free time? 

“Okay, now that we’re done with the questions, I’m going to have to uh—check under your breasts to make sure there aren’t any lumps. Then I’ll do a Pap smear. Is that okay—alright? Are you okay with that?” Hearing him stutter as his cheeks continued to darken made your heart warm. You’ve seen Mark get crushes on girls in his grade and it made you green with envy. He always talked so highly about the girls he liked; as if they were one of the seven wonders of the world. You could only dream about being the lucky girl Mark called his. He slowly made his way towards you and gave you an awkward smile before standing right in front of you. 

“I uh—I’m going to uh—start now. If it feels uncomfortable or you feel weird just let me know. The last thing I want is for you to feel uneasy and tense.” 

You smiled at how much of a gentleman he was being. You were sure he was just as gentle and kind with his other patients, but right now he was treating you so delicately as if he was afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing. Before you could prepare yourself, his hand made it’s way into the hospital gown and right under your left breast. 

He gently began grazing his thumb and kneading the skin making sure there was no lump or anything he had to worry about. Feeling his cold fingers against your chest sent a warm sensation in between your thighs. You tried your best not to make it obvious that having him touch you in such a way was driving you to the brink of insanity, especially because it was his job, but you’ve fantasized about being in this situation many times. 

Every now and then, you’d find yourself admiring Mark from afar and whenever your brother allowed you to, you’d find yourself playing video games with them and you couldn’t help but stare at his fingers and realize how long and skinny they were. Honestly, his fingers were always so pretty and one of your favorite features on him. You wanted nothing more than to hold his hand and even have his fingers wrap around your neck while he’d pound himself inside of you. It was during your times of self pleasure that you’d pretend it was Mark doing that to you. 

Sure, you had a couple of one night stands here and there back in college and you even had a boyfriend back in your junior year, but Mark always stayed in the back of your mind after all of these years. He was all your heart craved and wanted to know. It was foolish for you to desire a relationship beyond what you and Mark already had but you couldn’t help yourself. He was your first love and he’d probably stay on your mind until you found someone who could take his place; if that someone even exists. 

You could tell he was hesitant and trying his best not to overstep his boundaries but it was taking every bone in your body not to grab his hand and have him cup your mound while toying with your nipple. To your dismay, he finished with your left side and made his way over to the right, continue his ministrations while trying his best to pretend as if nothing was wrong. Like he wasn’t practically massaging your breasts; like he didn’t enjoy it and want to do more. No, he couldn’t think like that. You were his best friend’s younger sister. There was no way anything could happen between you both; no matter how much he wanted to throw you on to the table and fuck your brains out. 

You didn’t know it, but you were driving Mark crazy. He was always so fond of you and he always found you so adorable. Sometimes he felt bad about teasing you, but seeing your adorable puppy dog eyes made it all worth it. The explicit and erotic thoughts that were running through his mind sent off red flags and he knew he needed to finish this appointment with you before he did something he’d regret but not because he didn’t want to. 

Mark wanted to show you just how much he’s missed you since the two of you have been apart from each other, but it was just too weird and you were technically off limits to him anyway. Knowing you were his best friend’s younger sister didn’t change the fact that Mark thought you were extremely attractive and that you became even more beautiful and dangerously sexy now that you were a young woman. 

You were wearing a hospital gown yet you looked so ethereal and Mark knew himself to know that he was only seconds away from ripping the damn gown off and ravishing you and your body in ways that he’s always wanted to. Finally, he was done with checking for any lumps on your breasts and he felt like a huge weight lifted off of his shoulders. Now came the hardest part. The Pap smear. If he had a hard time touching and practically fondling your breasts, what more when he had to practically have his face right in front of your pussy which he was sure was probably lubricated with your juices? 

He was so close to saying fuck it and letting his carnal urges take over, but he knew there was going to be consequences for his actions if he continued to think with his second head. “You’re all clear. Now I’m gonna do the Pap smear and hopefully we’ll be able to find out why you’re in pain. If not, I’m going to have to do an ultrasound. Let me just get the tools, can you lie down and lift your legs up?” 

You did as you were told and you couldn’t help but giggle at the coolness against the balls of your feet when you placed them against the stirrups. You watched as Mark began to shake as he made his way through the cabinet, grabbing some gel and the tool used for Pap smears. Seeing him freak out at having to do this made you feel at ease for some odd reason. Probably because you weren’t the only one feeling weird. The tension in the air was so thick, you could cut it with a knife. Once he took a seat right in front of your bare thighs, he lifted up the gown and began his examination. 

“I’m going to apply some gel to lubricate you—I um—I’m also going to have to use my fingers but that’s normal. Don’t hesitate to ask me to stop alright?” You nodded but internally screamed at the idea of him fingering you. What were you even thinking? Like he said, it was something he had to do. The Pap smear tool could only do so much and just like he did when checking your breasts for any lumps, he had to make sure there weren’t any lumps in your vulva. Although you couldn’t see him, you knew he was applying some gel on his fingers and you had to bite your lip when you felt him bring his two fingers up to your entrance. 

“Ready?” You let out a soft hum and before you knew it, he pushed his fingers inside of you. In order to prevent yourself from coming off as a bigger fool, you bit down on your lip in attempts to keep any sound from falling out of your mouth. Foreplay was always one of your favorite parts of sex and fingering always seemed to rile you up. Sure, this was a part of the exam, but it felt so good. 

He began to move his fingers around in order to evenly spread the cold lubricant around your folds and little did you know, Mark was about to scream at how tight you were clenching around his fingers. You were practically soaking to the point where he didn’t think he needed the damn gel. Why were you so wet? And why was Mark ready to risk it all just to have his way with you? 

You were sure your lip was probably bleeding with how tight you were biting down on it and before you knew it, the unthinkable happened. A soft moan fell from your lips at his ministrations. You couldn’t help yourself, his fingers felt so good buried in your cunt and you had a hunch that he too was enjoying himself. The last time you had a Pap smear, your gynecologist was quick to insert the gel, did the Pap smear and called it a day. With the way Mark began pumping his fingers inside of your pussy, you knew he was going beyond the actual exam and you couldn’t find it in yourself to tell him to stop. You didn’t want to. 

This is all you wanted the minute you first started getting intimate with men. Whenever you had sex, you’d imagine it was Mark loving on your body every single time. There was one instance you almost said his name while another guy was going down on you and you practically bolted the minute you both came. You gasped in shock at the noise and you prayed he didn’t hear it but the growl that came from the back of his throat answered your question. 

“Fuck—shit—y/n—I’m so sorry but fuck—this is against the rules and I told myself to never get involved with you in that way but fuck—you’re so fucking beautiful you know that? And extremely fucking sexy—can I—can I continue? You’re so wet and so fucking tight. You’re taking my fingers so—so well—swallowing me so well—shit.” 

He continued to pump his fingers in and out of your soaking pussy all the while leaving kisses on both of your thighs. You couldn’t form any complete sentences; you were too in awe at his confession and you had a hard time accepting this was going on right now. Mark Tuan, the boy you’ve harbored feelings for; for over a decade was currently fingering you like his life depended on it. His fingers felt so good pumping inside of you and you couldn’t help but want more. 

You knew this was wrong; not only was he your brother’s best friend, but he was a doctor and this was his establishment. There had to be some kind of law that did not allow doctors to fool around with their patient but you weren’t necessarily just a patient to Mark nor was he just a gynecologist to you. The minute you felt him curl his fingers inside of you, you clenched you’re legs together as a way to get him to slow down. Slowly but surely, your orgasm was building and he might have been amazing with his fingers, but this was not the way you wanted to cum. 

“M—Mark—m—more. I want—no I need more please.” A stifled giggle fell from his lips and right before you could question him, you felt him lick a strip up at your entrance. 

“Fuck.” Everything about Mark never failed to rile you up and excite you. Whether it be his devastatingly handsome good looks, extremely charming personality or his intelligence, he was everything you wanted in a significant other and more. Mark was the blueprint of what you wanted in a man and that’s probably why you’ve been single for so long. Not only did you want to focus on your career and be able to live a free life while you were still young, but nobody ever compared to Mark and right now, as his face was buried in between your thighs, nipping and sucking on your clit, you knew there was no way you’d ever get over this. 

Both his lips and his tongue did wonders on your pussy. Hearing him slurp up your juices and hum against your core made you dizzy. If someone were to tell you years ago that Mark Tuan would be eating you out in one of the rooms at his workplace, you would’ve laughed in their face. But here you were, practically screaming in to the pillow that was provided because Mark was giving you head like a professional. He knew exactly what to do to make you squirm and the grip on your thighs made things even more difficult. Your hands absentmindedly made their way to his hair, tugging and pulling on it the longer he continued to lap up your wetness, and before you knew it he was adding in both his fingers causing you to let out a wanton cry. 

“Shit—shit—Mark—“ he hummed against your clit and your body warmed up at the feeling. 

“Are you close baby?” The pet name sounded so sweet falling from his lips. You’ve heard him call his girlfriends back in high school different terms of endearment and you’d find yourself feeling jealous and wanting him to do the same to you. But you were just a kid in Mark’s eyes at that time. Hearing him call you baby was such an indescribable feeling and you could only hope that whatever this currently was going on with the both of you wasn’t just a one time thing. 

When you nodded at his words, you felt him place a soft kiss against your clit as he pulled both his fingers and his face away from where you needed him the most. “You taste so fucking good by the way. I could eat you out for hours. So fucking sweet.” The whine that fell from your lips made you embarrassed; it was obvious you were desperate for release and you didn’t think Mark was capable of being such a tease, but this man was really going to be the death of you. 

“Mark what the fuck—“ his lips were warm against yours and no matter how many times you’ve dreamt about kissing him, nothing would ever compare to actually feeling his mouth smashed against yours. The kiss was rough; needy, he began roughly sucking on your bottom lip and bringing it in between his teeth. He joined you on the table and hovered over your lap; pressing himself up against you and your cheeks grew hot once you felt his hard on against your thigh. 

You had no words to describe how amazing it felt kissing Mark. He always had the prettiest heart shaped lips and they always looked so soft, so kissable. His lips tasted like strawberry chapstick and it only reminded you of how obsessed he was with applying lip balm back in high school because in his words “chapped lips weren’t sexy.” His hands roamed your body as your make out session continued and to your surprise, he pulled away quickly but only to practically rip your hospital gown off. 

“Y/n—are you okay with this? I’m not—I’m not forcing you or making you feel as if you have to do this right? We can stop if you’re not comfortable—I know this is wrong for so many reasons and it’s so immature and irresponsible of me but I can’t stop—you don’t know how long I’ve wanted this for. You—I—I’m in love with you. I’ve always been in love with you for the longest time. Longer than I’d like to admit. You’re an ethereal being you know that? It’s been years since I’ve seen you and my feelings for you have never faltered. If anything, they’ve grown stronger as the days go by. I know—it’s probably hard to believe but I’m telling the truth. It’s always been you y/n. I’m sorry, I chose the wrong time to confess my feelings for you, but I don’t want you thinking I’m just fooling around with you for the sex. I want you, for you. For as long as I can have you for.” 

You knew he was waiting for your response with the way he leaned back and looked at you with what you assumed was admiration. His confession made your entire thought process come to a halt. You had a hard time believing this was even happening right now. This was the same boy who stuck gum in your hair and told you girls couldn’t play sports. He was also the same guy who used to walk home from school instead of catching the bus in order to save his money to buy you a present for your 10th birthday. How could he be in love with you? 

You’ve seen all the girls he’s been with throughout the years and you were sure he was surrounded with many more mature, gorgeous and successful women. He could get anyone he wanted and with his good looks and social status, he probably had so many women groveling at their feet for him. Plus the two of you haven’t seen each other in forever, there was no way he could still have feelings for you since it’s been so long. You didn’t realize you were holding in your breath until you felt him brush some of your hair back. 

“I—I scared you didn’t I? I’m sorry y/n. I shouldn’t have said anything, please forget everything I just said and please don’t say anything to your brother. He already hates me as it is.” 

Your mom told you that they had a fallout and that they grew distant from each other and for some reason it upset you. They were friends for over a decade and you were sure they were going to be life long friends. Surely it couldn’t have been the distance that would interfere with their relationship. So what happened between the two of them that caused your brother to end their long term friendship? As the question was on the tip of your tongue, Mark looked at your curious expression and answered for you. 

“He found out that I liked you. We were out at a bar one night, a couple of days before I left and I took one too many shots of vodka. I don’t remember how you came up in the conversation but apparently I wouldn’t shut up about how beautiful I think you are and how much I wanted to be with you. I know liking you was wrong the minute I recognized that I harbored feelings for you. Every time I saw you or spent time with you, I had this foreign feeling in my stomach; excitement maybe? Happiness? Love? I kept it to myself for a long time. The age difference and the fact that you were in my life for such a long time already because of my friendship with your brother only reminded me that nothing could happen between us no matter how badly I wanted you. I love every single thing about you y/n. Your quirkiness, your determination, your strength, your kindness, how headstrong you are. You might not think so, but to me you’re perfect y/n.” 

You didn’t know whether or not he was done talking, but you wanted him to know that you felt the exact same way. Feeling Mark smile in to the kiss that you initiated made your heart flutter; you weren’t that good with words so you could only hope your actions spoke for you. You brought your hand up to his face and gently caressed his cheek all the while deepening the kiss. Only when you felt his dress pants rub against your naked core did you realize that you were completely bare while he was still fully clothed. 

“Mark—“ he brought his finger up to your lips in order to silence you while continuing from where he left off before you interrupted him with a kiss. 

“The next day, I woke up with a throbbing headache and a few messages from the guys. I had no idea what they were talking about when they told me that it was best to stay away from both you and your brother and then I watched the video Youngjae sent me. I was so mad at myself. I threw my friendship with your brother down the fucking drain and I knew I was going to lose you too. I think it was a good thing that I was moving away so I could use that as an excuse. I kept lying to myself and told myself that it was for the best but it fucking sucked y/n. Your brother was like a brother to me. I wanted to explain myself, but he wouldn’t listen. Apparently I confessed some things that your brother felt was totally out of line and I don’t blame him. If it was the other way around, I’d be pissed too. And fuck, I missed you so much. Your contagious laugh, your breathtaking smile, the fact that you continued to want to hang out with me no matter how mean I was towards you. If I’m being completely honest, I was more upset with losing you than I was your brother. Pathetic right? God, the more I talk about it the more foolish I sound.” 

You began running your hands up and down his back as a way to calm him down and out of habit you placed a soft kiss on his jaw. “Then I’m just as pathetic. I’m in love with you too by the way. I’m sorry it took so long for me to admit it—I’m having a hard time accepting everything that just happened. The reason why I was always so clingy towards you when we were younger was because I admired you so much and I loved being around you. I wouldn’t stop asking my mom when the next time you were coming over was. I lied to you back in my junior year; I wasn’t failing trigonometry. I was actually at the top of my class. I just wanted an excuse to get you to tutor me in order to spend as much time with you as possible. I’ve always had a crush on you. Sure, you were the biggest pain in my ass back when I was in elementary school, but as we both got older, I loved having you around. You never failed to make me laugh at your terrible puns and you may not have meant to back then, but you always took such good care of me and made me feel wanted.” 

He smiled against your chest and began teasingly playing with both your breasts as a way to distract you. Mark knew the longer you went in to detail about your feelings for him, he’d probably do something embarrassing that he’d regret later on. 

“Can you say it again?” Although you knew what he was referring to, you wanted to continue teasing him. 

“Say what?”

“Babe—“ you stole one more kiss before playfully squeezing his cheek. 

“I love you Mark. More than I can fathom in to words. So um—what does this mean for us? Where do we stand?” He grazed his finger along your folds that were still extremely wet and throbbing from his previous movement while he was in between your legs. Sure, the confessions of love and feelings for one another were very sweet and heartfelt, but the fire building in between your legs was aching to be put out. 

The soft moan that fell from your lips only egged him on more and to your dismay, he brought your clit in between his index finger and his thumb and all but gently began to play with it causing the coil that was already building in your stomach to tighten. “Well, now that my feelings for you are out there, I’d like to finish your appointment, then take you to dinner later on tonight. I’d say I’d wait and take it from there, but I’m very confident in us, in our relationship so I’m not giving you the choice; you’re my girlfriend. Fuck, if I knew how amazing this would be, I would’ve made my move years ago. I’m gonna have to schedule you for a check up at least three times a month. Now—“

He started taking off his pants and his underwear came off soon after; your mouth began to water at the sight of his extremely red and hardened cock. It must’ve been so painful; you had a feeling he’s been hard since he was eating you out more than twenty minutes ago. You brought one hand down to his cock and ran your thumb around the tip. You’ve always considered penises to be extremely ugly, but something about Mark’s made your pussy throb. There was one time back when you were in your sophomore year when Mark was sleeping over at your house and you accidentally walked in on him naked. You were quick to cover up your eyes and run out of the bathroom before you could actually see something, but now you found yourself unable to take your eyes off of his fully erect cock. Not only was he thick, but he was also pretty long and you hated how every single thing about him was perfect. You were also excited to feel him stretch you out and bury himself deep inside of you.

“S—shit. Don’t fucking tease me baby. God y/n, you’re so fucking sexy. I’m never going to get enough of you. I can’t wait to fuck that pretty little cunt of yours. Now hurry up and jack me off you slut.” 

You giggled softly while wrapping your hand around his length and pumped him up and down. Hearing his soft grunts while you continued your motions caused you to go faster. A huge part of you wanted to suck him off; giving head was one of your favorite parts of sex and you wanted nothing more than for Mark to face fuck you. However, you were soon growing impatient at the idea of finally becoming one with him. You had all the time in the world now to choke on his dick; you wanted him to drill himself in to you. With the way he was thrusting himself in to your hand while leaving love bites on the juncture of your neck, you had a feeling he had the exact idea in mind. 

“Baby, as good as this feels, I need to fuck you—like right now. Get ready to be probed��ow! Come on y/n, you have to admit that was funny. Don’t you get the joke? Ultrasound—probing—okay I’ll stop. You were always so judge-mental of my jokes. Fine I’ll stop, but just know I have no intentions on going easy on you. I had a crush on you for quite some time, I’m going to make up for these last few years of being apart. I love you so much y/n and I plan on showing you right now exactly how much you mean to me.”

[writingithink]

Improbable Multiversal Transcending Temporal Spacetime Event Pairing: Metacrisis Tenth Doctor/Rose Tyler Rated: T Word Count: 7,101 Summary: The best way to show someone you care is to blow up their job ... right? Notes: I'm back! And it's not a Tangled Timelines update (sorry!) But it is something? I've had this in my WIPs for awHILE now, and when I was cleaning my studio the other night I found a planning page for it in a random tote bag and was like ... oh yeah. And the ending just came to me and I love it when that happens. Hopefully there will be another chapter up for Tangled Timelines soon, though!

As always, infinite thanks to my wonderful beta, @hey-there-juliet​ who is fine with me randomly sending her fics at all hours and with no warning XP

All mistakes are mine, as always.

<<READ IT ON AO3>>

If the other him in the other universe had taken the time to imagine their human life together in a parallel universe, the Doctor doubted he would have pictured this. His imagination, when it came to Rose Tyler, was always quite whimsical. Happiness had made him impractical, really. Because despite all of the drawbacks, all of the reasons he currently loathed himself, the Doctor knew every single reason why the other truly felt like this was the best possible option.

But maybe it wasn’t.

Sometimes, despite it not occurring too often, he was wrong.

They had spent five and a half hours on the beach at Bad Wolf Bay.

(I create myself.)

She had been so upset; said that after everything they’d went through, everything she did to get back, the other him owed her a proper goodbye. She had stopped speaking to him when he told her that, actually, he would never give her a proper goodbye.

And she didn’t let him explain why. Now that he finally could.

Now it had been 57 days since she’d last spoken to him. Since he’d gotten more than a brief glimpse of her with his own eyes. That he’d spent piecing together a picture of what her life had been like here, without him. Such a short time, really, now that it was over (almost over), but yet also some of the worst moments of his entire existence.

It seemed fair that the multiverse would demand just that extra sequence of pain, considering everything he could potentially get in return. What another version of himself could only hope for, bitterly gambling eternities, following their timeline through all of it’s complicated swirls and turns, names weaving around each other, stamping themselves on the structure of creation.

Forever isn’t something that ends.

(How long are you going to stay with me?)

Quite the opposite, actually. And he knew, eventually, she would remember that. Knew it, but didn’t feel it.

The Doctor finally understood what all of the human writers meant about falling in love. Not just the terrifying sensation of the unstoppable freefall, but also the immense pain of crashing into the immovable object at the end of the journey.

They had sat on opposite ends of a Zeppelin. He had gone back to the Tyler Manor with Jackie, and Rose had gone back to her flat. Hoping to see her, talk to her, he had immediately joined Torchwood (once they agreed to his very detailed, highly specific, entirely ironclad contract). Their paths rarely crossed, and when they did it was just tiny, insubstantial moments.

A flash of her at the far end of a hall. Her name in a report (a lot of reports). Snatches of her voice, there one moment and gone the next.

It all made everything hurt so much more, somehow, having her so close but yet further than he could have possibly imagined.

But yet …

His imagination, when it came to Rose Tyler, was still quite whimsical. So when he tried to think of the bigger picture, waxing poetic, alone on his office couch, the Doctor tried to look at the last few years as the impact, and this as the aftershock. Still, philosophical jaunts weren’t exactly a solution to his problem. A temporary solution was moving his office even further away, so that’s what he did. 

Plus, he found it kind of fitting, commandeering the inside of Big Ben. UNIT may have it in the prime universe, but in this universe he had the fancy landmark office. Well, office-slash-home (without Rose Tyler, a proper house with doors and things was absolutely unthinkable). Not that it was just about having a private laugh. The gears soothed him, the sound of ticking helped the gnawing emptiness that had filled his mind ever since the TARDIS dematerialized without him in it. The Doctor had thought it was kind of fitting - the closest he could possibly be right now to time.

Not that he wasn’t spending every possible spare moment working on the baby TARDIS, just a tiny piece of coral still, currently sitting in the extended electro-percussive environment chamber. He wondered if, in three years (his best-possible projected timetable), when the new TARDIS would be ready for flight, she would still not be speaking to him.

Incidentally, the emergence of that thought and the start of his supposed ‘self-isolation’ coincided to an alarming degree for how coincidental the two really were. The fact of the matter was, he was busy. Tons of experiments to run, alien equipment to identify, classify (and more often than not remove from Torchwood entirely), a baby TARDIS to tend to, and a backlog of Rose’s mission reports to hack into made spending slightly over three weeks in his tower easy.

The problem was the fact that during that time the Doctor avoided sleeping, barely remembered to eat, and existed on overly sugared tea alone. Not sleeping didn’t put the demons at bay, but at least when he was awake he wasn’t forced to confront the man he never wanted to remember being.

It had been 57 days since Rose Tyler had last spoken to him, and the Doctor detonated a bomb in the abandoned annex Torchwood had scheduled to be demolished and rebuilt.

Then the counter reset to zero.

“What do you think you’re doing?!” she yelled, barging into the top floor lab where he had been checking the readings on the EEPEC.

Everything that he wanted to say to her, and the Doctor was struck mute.

“Whatever plans you think you have, however good of an idea it is, for the good of the planet or, or the galaxy or what, you don’t just go blowing up buildings without a word to anyone! Do you know that everyone else was too scared to come up here and have a word with you, because that highly confidential ridiculous contract you drew up made its way through the gossips and isn’t so classified anymore. Now no one wants to go toe to toe with the man who ‘speaks for the planet’,” Rose growled through the air quotes. “So tell me, Doctor, what genius reason you’ve got for blowing up the Records Annex?”

A slow smile spread across his face.

“It worked.”

“What?”

“Remember ‘run’?” he asked, bouncing away from the baby TARDIS and circling her, picking up his new sonic screwdriver as he did and deadlock sealing the only door off the floor.

“Run?” she frowned as he circled back.

“Run,” he whispered in her ear as he passed, running up a small set of stairs to flip a giant switch that activated the clock-lights outside of their automated timer. Likely no one noticed outside with the sun still out, but it lit up the lab. “Henrik’s basement, Nestene Consciousness, shop window dummies, you and me. How did that night end?” he asked, with a manic grin as he skidded to a stop in front of her.

“Oh, that ‘run’,” Rose breathed, trying to fight back a smile. “You blew up my job.”

“I blew up your job.”

She huffed, blowing her bangs out of her eyes, and crossed her arms. His shoulders fell, exhaustion pressing down onto each and every bone of his new, much more fragile body.

“I just want to talk,” he told her, only a moment away from begging.

“Alright then. Talk.”

Everything he wanted to say to her, and all of it felt disjointed in his overtired mind. Yet she was here now, and if she left he didn’t have a new idea for getting her back again. So he talked.

“I’m sorry. That I made this choice for you, even if it was technically a different me who did it. I’m sorry that this is the best option, the safest option. I’m sorry I never got the chance to explain everything to you before. But I am never going to say goodbye to you, Rose. Never. And I know that the power of words doesn’t translate as well for you, the science of psycho-kinetic-telepathic influence on the elements of creation. But there are some things I can never risk saying aloud. There are some beings that exist, at least in our original universe, that could easily- … still, no matter what universe we’re in, I’m never going to say it. Forever, Rose Tyler. It’s longer than you can comprehend. An eternal silence stretching infinitely ahead, timelines swirling in every direction. This one is ours, if you’ll- if you could just- if you could see in twenty-odd dimensions and focused on individual temporal waveforms, the quantum reality of specific-”

“Doctor!” she shouted when his legs gave out, immediately grabbing hold of him, joining him on the floor.

“I’m fine,” he insisted, but when he moved to get back up she easily held him down. Rose gently manipulated his face, giving him a basic medical check. He couldn’t help but smile a little at how much she had learned while they were away, only to then frown at how hard he imagined it all must have been for her. Floundering, he tried to make a joke. “So, I’m still the Doctor?”

Which went ignored.

“You look like a wreck,” she told him, and it wasn’t new information. The Doctor now made much more frequent trips to the restroom and was well aware of how pale he was, of the dark circles under his bloodshot eyes. He had at least been making a disjointed effort to shave, which was another activity that had increased with his meta crisis, and admittedly it had slipped his mind for a couple days.

“It’s not easy, doing this without you,” he admitted. “But if you need more time, I want you to take it. I really am alright. There’s just so much I need to tell you, now that I can.”

“What do you mean, ‘now that you can’?”

“Different universe, firm walls in between. I don’t have to worry about using the wrong words at the wrong time and having cosmic consequences … for a lot of things, not all things. With our timeline in a different dimension and reality back as it should be, at least for the moment, I can tell you all sorts of things. Though the most important one, the one I’m never going to miss an opportunity to say, is that I love you, Rose Tyler. Forever.”

“I love you, too,” she sighed, caressing his cheek for a moment before helping him up. “But I’m still mad at you. Now you need sleep.”

“But I’m not done talking,” the Doctor complained, dragging his feet as she led him over to the sofa in the corner.

“We’ll talk more after you’ve gotten some rest, okay? I promise.”

“Thank you,” he sighed, more horizontal than he remembered being just a moment ago. Something soft and warm ensconced his body. He hadn’t realized how cold he had been until just then.

Another breath and black oblivion overtook him. Peaceful until it suddenly very much wasn’t. 

A shockwave. A rift in time and space. A breached void. A crack in reality. A big red button. No more. Howling, howling, howling.

“Wake up!”

His eyes snapped open.

He didn’t know where he was. Nothing felt right; not the air, not time, not even his own body. The Doctor tried to do a quick systems check, and the results were all wrong. His hand flew to his chest, where only one heart was beating.

A choking scream echoed through the space, which seemed to be tick tick ticking, and he didn’t realize that it was him who shouted until soothing hands were brushing through his hair. Vision focusing, he saw Rose Tyler kneeling next to him, or at least it was something that looked like Rose Tyler. She felt too cool. Or maybe he was too warm.

“Are you real?” he asked, hoping that she wouldn’t lie to him.

Just one heart working, and it was beating too fast, refusing to slow down. The air was too thick, he couldn’t breathe.

“Yeah.” A sad smile. “I’m real.”

The Doctor didn’t know if he believed her, closing his eyes so that he wouldn’t have to see the moment she inevitably vanished. “I’m dying,” he told the being-who-might-be-Rose as he shuddered and collapsed back onto some sort of sofa.

“You’re fine,” she lied, but it was a lie she seemed to believe.

“Only got one heart beating,” he admitted, trying to get his breathing under control as his malfunctioning body began to sweat. The room ticked away, and he wondered if all of this was about to explode, if he should be running, if he even could run. His legs felt like lead. So did his arms. The air was too thick, dragging him down.

“That’s-”

The Doctor shut his eyes tighter, tears escaping that he hadn’t even realized were there. She must have vanished, just like he knew she would. And if she was never real to begin with, why did it have to hurt so much for her to go?

A weight rested on top of him, and he would never forget the feel of her. He vaguely wondered what it meant for him, to be having tactile hallucinations. Olfactory hallucinations. Even the buzz of time that had never left her skin after she took in the vortex was present.

“You’ve still got two beating,” Rose whispered as his arms wrapped around her in a tight hold that didn’t feel nearly strong enough to keep her. He wasn’t strong enough to keep her.

Her heart beat steadily over where his right heart had failed.

“I’m scared,” the Doctor admitted, eyes still closed though it was oddly easier to breathe.

“I’ve got you.”

“Please be real,” he whimpered, even as his mind grew foggier.

She said something, but he didn’t know what. Everything was fading away, darkness becoming darker, becoming void.

Nothing.

The Doctor awoke alone on the couch in his office. According to his time sense, he had slept for eighteen hours and twenty-one minutes. He felt better than he had in weeks, but also so much worse. He grabbed his pillow and screamed into it.

“What’s wrong now?”

The pillow dropped from his hands and his eyes locked with Rose’s as she raced up the slight stair onto the platform that separated his primary workspace from the rest of the top floor.

“What?” His voice cracked.

Rose Tyler sat next to him on the couch, hand immediately resting on his forehead, primitively gauging his temperature. The Doctor cleared his throat before trying again.

“Rose, what are you doing here? Not that I’m not glad, I’m so very, very glad you’ve come.” Her hand dropped away and he was able to get a good look at her, dressed in a pair of his boxers and one of his shirts (Jackie had bought him a ridiculous amount of clothes before he left the manor, all of which he sent out to be cleaned). He swallowed audibly. “W-why are you wearing my clothes?”

“‘M locked in here. Door’s deadlock sealed.”

Flashes of memories began to speed through him. Attaching a re-calibrated Tziklian implosion grenade to a newly-repaired retroreflective Clishtahrr drone. Obsessively trying to circumvent his vision in order to peer at his own timeline, making himself sick. A contained rift event in the lower levels of the tower that made him feel like he had looked into the untempered schism again.

(Run, run, run!)

“I’m sorry. I don’t … I’ll just …”

He pushed himself up onto unsteady legs, found his sonic screwdriver and unsealed the door. And he wished he hadn’t trapped her with him, even if he was starting to remember why (inky black terror crawling up his spine, wrong universe, wrong universe, wrong universe).

“Do you remember what happened yesterday?” she asked, following him as he went to check the TARDIS on autopilot, looking as if she was worried he would collapse (again).

“It’s coming back to me,” the Doctor admitted. Still had a good four hours to go before the shatterfry process would be complete. He straightened his shoulders, trying to stand tall as he turned to face her. “Things got a little, uhm, unpleasant. I’ll do better.”

“Unpleasant,” Rose scoffed. “I’m pretty sure you had a bleedin’ breakdown!”

“It’s been a difficult regeneration,” he deflected, turning away, leaving the platform and making a beeline to the tiny kitchenette tucked off to the side. Tea. He just needed more tea.

“So, this how it’s gonna be, then? All that stuff about wanting to talk, but now you’re just done?”

He nearly spilled the kettle with the speed of his turn, brows furrowed and mouth falling open. “What? Of course I want to talk!” the Doctor exclaimed. “Just, er, what did I say? Before?”

Memory was still a bit of a blur. Successful energy funnel for the TARDIS’ growth tank. Vodka tasting different in a universe without potatoes. Reports saying: Correct universe. Wrong time - past. No contact.

“You don’t remember?”

“I said it was coming back to me, it’s just not coming in the right order.” he sighed, refocusing on the tea.

“Well, what’s the last thing that you vividly remember?” Rose asked, moving around him, easily finding mugs and sugar and milk.

“Thirteen days ago, creating a temporal disruption chrono-field manipulator. Needed to siphon rift energy for our TARDIS. She needs a very specific growth environment.”

“Thirteen days?! Wait, siphoning the-” She leaned against the tiny countertop and covered her face with her hands. The only sound for a few moments was of the electric kettle quickly boiling the water. “Our TARDIS?”

“If you want,” the Doctor muttered, lifting a hand, wanting to touch her, but then thinking better of it. He clenched his fist as it dropped to his side.

Rose groaned as she turned back to him. “Of course I want that, you daft alien git! But you don’t exactly make things easy, do ya? I spent years getting back to you, and then suddenly there’s two of you and one of you abandons me just like I was always afraid of, but one of you stays and I’m expected to be able to process any of it? And then for weeks it’s an effort just to give myself space, knowing that wherever I go you’re so close, part of me wondering why I’m even trying to stay away when all I wanted for ages was to be back with you. Then suddenly you’re gone! I still know where you are, but there isn’t a chance that I’d actually run into you. And I still don’t know what to feel, but coming here yesterday, seeing you … I don’t think I’ve ever seen you look so broken.” There were tears in her eyes. His nails dug into his palms with the effort it took not to wrap his arms around her, to wipe them away. “I can’t help but feel like it’s my fault.”

“It’s not. It’s my own fault. You haven’t done a single thing wrong,” he assured her.

“That’s not true and you know it,” she tried to laugh, but it came out watery. “I’ve been an absolute cow. And I still haven’t answered your question. You’d said some things about words being a type of science, and that you could say things here that you couldn’t in the other universe. Like you were paranoid, under surveillance or something? I think you tried to describe how your time sense stuff works, but you almost fainted.”

“Fifty-seven days without you and that’s what I was talking about?” The Doctor grimaced.

The kettle clicked off.

“If it makes you feel better, it was kinda romantic. The stuff about not saying goodbye and forever and blowing up my job.”

“Blowing up your what?!”

“That’s why I had to come here. You blew up the old Records Annex.”

“Riiiiight. That explains the drone bomb. It’s not like they weren’t going to blow it up anyway. Didn’t I help?”

Rose rolled her eyes before moving to fix both their teas. “We’ll get into that later. Right now I don’t even want to talk about us. I wanna know about you, what you’ve been doing these past two months. Because I didn’t even stop to think what this all must be like for you.”

Cuppa in hand, the Doctor led her back to the couch as he tried to think of how best to explain something that he barely understood himself.

“I was created in a two-way human-Time Lord instant biological meta crisis. Hundreds of years as one being, then suddenly two. Exact same mind, almost the exact same body, but different enough that I can barely comprehend existing in it. If you remember, the first forty-eight hours of the regeneration cycle are complicated and dangerous. Barely a few hours into mine I was dropped outside of the prime universe that all Gallifreyans are meant to exist in, cut off from all telepathic contact as the walls of reality continued to sway, slowly falling back into place. It’s been … an adjustment. Sometimes things don’t feel real, even when they are. Sometimes things feel incredibly real, even when they aren’t.”

“You had a nightmare,” Rose told him, placing a hand on his shoulder, thumb rubbing soothing circles through his layers. “I woke you up, tried to help. You didn’t think I was real. You thought you were dying, because you only had one heart.”

He tried to smile, and the action felt painful. “Sounds about right.”

“I’m sorry. If I hadn’t been so selfish-”

“There’s nothing for you to apologize for. I want you to put yourself first.”

“But I can’t stand seeing you in pain like this. What can I do to help?” she asked, a desperation in her eyes that he couldn’t bear.

“You’re already helping,” the Doctor sighed, finally giving in and leaning into her touch, lying his head on her shoulder. It was the closest he’d felt to time since they’d been left on that bloody beach.

Memories were still racing through his head. Energy coils radiating artron energy into a centrifuge. The smell of burnt flesh against the remains of a Bverni navigational system. Reports saying: Correct universe. Wrong time - future. No contact.

“The other Doctor said that you needed me.”

He laughed, but there was no humor in it.

“Yes, because he needs you. He also said that I was dangerous. I am. He is. We are. But you already knew that. It’s easy, you know, to yell at yourself. Not often that there’s actually a separate you there to yell at. I destroyed the Daleks, but we’d already done that before we met. In fact, so did you. The other me was lashing out, knowing what he would have to do but not wanting to do it.”

“That’s another thing,” Rose said, moving to face him, dislodging his head, “you said that us being here, in this universe, was the best, safest option. What was that about?”

“Something’s coming. Has come. Ended and began. There’s a massive paradox surrounding me in the other universe. Incredibly dangerous, potentially catastrophic. All I know is that it has something to do with a woman named River Song who claims to be my wife.”

“Your wife?!”

“I said claims. And she did seem to be telling the truth, besides the fact that what she was saying was entirely preposterous. My soul is entirely bound to yours.” The Doctor took her hand and squeezed it. “So I think I have an idea of the kind of man I’ll have to become in order to keep the universe intact.”

“What’s that?”

“A liar. If she is going to believe that I could possibly join myself to someone else, someone who isn’t you, I’m going to have to lie. I’m going to have to forget. I’m going to have to lie so well and for so long that even I believe the fiction I’ve created for myself.”

He wondered what the other him in the other universe would think, then, whenever he caught a rare glimpse at their timeline surrounded in gold, bound with Rose’s for all eternity. What kind of explanation he would craft. The Doctor shuddered.

“But that sounds horrible!” she cried.

“It’s the sacrifice he’s making for the sake of the universe. My timeline is dangerous and someone, something is tampering with it. You and I made one tiny little paradox and it almost destroyed everything. This one is circular, might be able to be maintained, but the scale of it, Rose. And who knows if it will even work. River seems great and all, at least I hope so, but I don’t think she has much of a handle on time travel. That, or she’s a manipulative psychopath. Suppose that’s a surprise for the other me to find out.”

Rose sniffled and he pulled her into a hug.

“He’s going to be all alone.” The words were muffled into his shoulder, his shirt growing damp with her tears. He cringed and tried to think rationally, that of course she would feel this way, that it had nothing to do with how she felt about him him. But then again, maybe it did.

“He won’t be alone. He’ll find someone. I always do, eventually.”

“B-but I-”

“We’ll figure it out. How to get you back there, once it’s safe,” he whispered into the top of her head. Maybe that would be it- what she needed this him for. And if so, it would be enough. It would have to be enough.

“Really?”

The Doctor nodded, not trusting himself to speak.

“So it’s not- you really weren’t abandoning me here?” Rose lifted her head, eyes brimming with a hope that had been missing before.

“Never.” The word felt as if it was torn out of his very being.

She cupped his cheek, stubble beginning to smooth out into the beginnings of a beard. He really needed to shave.

“I thought you said to never say never ever?”

“That was before.”

It occurred to him that he had tea, so he took a sip - it had gone cold.

“Oh, right, all the, uhm, psychic-kinetic-telepathy science stuff.”

He opened his mouth to correct her - she was very close, though - but was interrupted by the ringing of the giant clock. It was heavily muffled by the sound proofing adjustments he had made while setting up the office, but still audible enough.

“It’s eight now, yeah?” Rose asked, even as she moved away.

“Yes.”

She walked over to his desk, where the Doctor now noticed a pile of her folded clothes sat. He frowned when she brought them over to him.

“Do you think you could sonic these clean for me? I’m gonna quick hop into your decontamination shower.”

“Th- there’s a proper shower, it’s two floors down. First left, third right, door marked ‘Security Level Alpha’.”

“What, really?”

“Didn’t want random lab techs using it. Has a retina scan. It’ll let you in.”

Rose laughed, ruffled his hair, and gave him a kiss on the cheek before disappearing to get ready for work. The whole thing left him confused. He went through his list again, checking and double checking to make sure that this all was real . It was, just as it had been all morning.

More memories. Recalibrating the tower’s new sub-basement weapon’s vault. Burnt toast and no more jam left. Reports saying: Correct universe. Wrong time - future. Contact made.

It wasn’t fair that she had spent almost an entire day with him yet he had missed most of it. Still, he sonicked her clothes, as well as his tea. Finished his cuppa, and then had a second before Rose came back from her shower.

“Why’s there no one around?”

“Dangerous radiation leak,” the Doctor shrugged. “I fixed it almost as soon as it happened, but apparently there’s ‘procedures’. How’d you get in?”

She bit her lip, fighting a smile. “Mighta shot a few of your doors,” Rose admitted, picking up an electro-pulse blaster off of a nearby cart. Non-lethal on organic matter. Very effective on fancy doors. “Nobody told me anything about a radiation leak, though.”

“Classified radiation leak.”

“And why’s that?” she scowled, hands on her hips.

“Everything to do with time travel is classified to this office. Bethany is not being very cooperative about putting you down as a liaison-whatever. Please believe me, I wasn’t trying to keep anything a secret.”

“Oh.” Rose glanced over at the EEPEC, absently biting her thumbnail.

The Doctor didn’t know what she was thinking, didn’t know if he should ask. After a moment she disappeared into the loo to change, promising to be back in a tick.

It was a funny multiverse, really, that his reunion with Rose Tyler would be such a stilted thing. That it would be about him and her, but not this him. Acknowledged with a few questions after his health, sure, but that was just polite. She’d always been compassionate, caring for others. Rose didn’t see him as the Doctor. Not the proper one. Sure, she used his name, but it would be easier for her to do that this time around.

He looked just like him.

He was him.

But he wasn’t.

Memories were still coming. Adjustments to Torchwood’s alien tech retrieval protocols. Nutrition shots. Reports reading: Correct universe. Wrong time - past. Contact made.

He went through the list again. Still real.

Unless it wasn’t.

Unless he wasn’t.

What would have stopped the other Doctor from knocking him out and uploading him into a matrix? Giving him a half-life with a programmed Rose Tyler?

The air here felt wrong.

(Wrong universe. Wrong universe. Wrong universe.)

“Doctor!”

(Daleks exploding. “What have you done?!”)

Pressure against his hands. Why was it so dark?

The Doctor opened his eyes to see Rose in front of him, pulling his fingers away from his palms. Oh. He was bleeding. Hadn’t even noticed.

“Sorry, sorry.” He spun away from her in order to grab the first aid kit from his desk.

“What happened?” she asked, vibrating with barely contained panic.

“Nothing, nothing. Things just got jumbled for a second,” he assured her, efficiently cleaning his palms and wrapping them in gauze in a practiced motion.

“How often do you-”

“Hard to say. I’ve been graphing them. Seems to be stress contingent, but generally decreasing. My senses are gradually acclimating to this universe, so I have to hope that once they do, I’ll be fine. Perfect. Molto bene. No inconvenient lapses.”

“Stress? What h- oh.”

He didn’t like the sound of that ‘oh’. The Doctor clenched his jaw before facing her.

“We still haven’t talked about us,” Rose pointed out, approaching him slowly. Like he was a wild animal. Like he would hurt her. “And you … you don’t really remember yesterday still, do you?”

“Not really.”

His hands hurt. His body ached. One heart, and it was beating so quickly that he was sure it would give out.

Rose wrapped her arms around him and he automatically returned the embrace.

“Maybe I should just call in,” she suggested as she pulled away. “We can just take the day?”

“Or don’t and stay anyway,” the Doctor couldn’t help pointing out. “Some bits have come back, and didn’t they send you here?”

She burst into laughter. “Oh my god, they did!”

And it was beyond words, how great it was to hear her laughing again. To see her smiling.

But …

That was wrong.

Rose was upset with him.

Time didn’t feel right.

The air tasted off.

Wrong Universe. Wrong Universe. Wrong Universe.

The Doctor staggered backwards.

His respiratory bypass was malfunctioning. It was like it wasn’t even there. He couldn’t get air into his lungs.

Everything went black.

There was a shot of gold, and then a different kind of black.

“Doctor,” said a whisper in the dark. “The timer went off for the TARDIS. ‘M I supposed to take her out of that thing?”

A TARDIS timer?

TARDIS … timer …

The timer for the extended electro-percussive environment chamber!!!

The Doctor shot up from where he had apparently been lying on the couch and ran over to the EEPEC, swiftly shut it off, removed the tank housing their baby TARDIS, and then poured in the pre-prepared aqueous nutrient solution before inserting the tank into the quasi-dimensional artron chamber (currently set to it’s highest opacity setting). 

“Hah!” he exclaimed, punching his fist in the air and itching to switch the chamber’s outside view settings to transparent. He turned to Rose, opened his mouth to ask her, and then paused.

It all came back to him, all of it, not just the jumbled recollections he had been getting earlier. Apparently he had fallen into a healing coma, and it seems to have been just what he needed … but it all truly hadn’t been fair to Rose. Though, to be fair, she was currently smiling like it was Christmas, so-

Christmas. Healing comas. 

Huh.

“Shall we switch it to transparent?” the Doctor asked, unable to reign himself in any longer. “It was clear when Benny - quite the coincidence, right? - helped me set it up. This is a quasi-dimensional artron chamber. It’s funnelling in rift energy and centrifuging artron particles, and the end result in that chamber is the specific environment needed to properly grow a TARDIS. Well, along with the chrono-nutritio aqueous habitat. Benny describes looking into it as being similar to taking DMT, which, by the way, is completely inaccurate. It’s exactly like looking into an Eye of Harmony. If it’s malfunctioning, it’s like looking into the untempered schism, which I don’t recommend. But everything’s stable now, we could-”

“I thought I wasn’t supposed to look into the vortex?” Rose interrupted, and …

“Right … erm, well ,” he hedged, scratching the back of his neck, “I mean, it isn’t actually the vortex, but you’re probably not completely wrong. Best not risk it.”

Excitement abating, the Doctor slumped against the chamber and at that moment realized that he had been changed into jim jams.

Jim jams. Healing comas.

Huh.

At least these were his own pajamas, and not some ‘friend’ of Jackie’s, though how strange was it that he owned his own pajamas in the first place?

“C’mere,” Rose said, beckoning him back toward the couch, which she was sitting next to, but not on. Not your typical decision, but he had likely taken up all of the space earlier. “I made you some tea.”

It really wasn’t worth it, cataloguing the similarities between this and when he had first regenerated into this body … even though the list did seem to be growing.

“Perfect! Just what I need!” the Doctor smiled as he walked over, taking a seat next to Rose on the floor.

Silence fell as he sipped his tea, and he found himself unsure of what to do or say next. There was too much to say, and he’d certainly done a piss poor job of organizing his thoughts earlier. 

“Feeling better?” she asked, after another moment. 

Small talk. He could definitely do small talk.

“Mmm yes, very much so.”

“Better enough to talk?”

The Doctor coughed, having swallowed his tea incorrectly (bloody hybrid body, still acting up), before nodding. Rose moved onto the couch and he scrambled to join her. 

“So,” she began and paused, face scrunching up in concentration (it was nice to know that he wasn’t the only one who found this whole business incredibly awkward), “I guess … what is it that you actually want? Aside from a working TARDIS, that is.”

His brows furrowed.

Sure, there were plenty of ways he could answer that question and have all of them be true, but he had a feeling that she was looking for a specific type of ‘want’. 

Problem was, the Doctor wasn’t quite sure what that was .

“What?” he asked, in lieu of any better things to say (as the runner up response was to ask for some jam, or maybe a banana, or some of the takeaway from the shop down the corner and blimey, he was hungry). 

“This whole time, all of it, since you c- since you were- since you stopped just bein’ a hand- ” the Doctor had a list of complaints and corrections that he barely held in “- nobody’s asked what you wanted. The D- the other Doctor chose for both of us, really, and I hadn’t really looked at it that way before. An’ I wanna know. What do you want?”

Removed from the actual experience itself (and therefore not feeling incredibly, deathly ill), visions of the slight peek he’d gotten four days ago of his own timeline played in his head.

The Doctor grabbed Rose’s hand, weaving their fingers together.

“I want this.”

She smiled and gave his hand a squeeze.

“Care to elaborate?” she asked with a slight laugh.

“Nope,” he replied, popping the ‘p’. “Because as long as you’re happy, everything else is just- just semantics. I mean, obviously it’s going to be a bit dull until the TARDIS has grown enough for proper travel, but I think we can make do?” At least, he really hoped so. It hadn’t been going swimmingly so far, but the Doctor sincerely hoped that he could chalk all that up to the initial side effects of the meta crisis, compounded by all of the, er … technical difficulties he had run into while constructing the TARDIS’ growth tank. Also, his new hybrid body needed much more maintenance than he was used to, including sleep. Really was rubbish without regular sleep. Such a waste of time.

“So, if I were to suggest you moving into the flat?”

He opened his mouth, intending to immediately agree, but then frowned. The TARDIS was here, after all. And he absolutely could not move her. Not at this stage. Not until she could connect to other dimensions on her own. The Doctor looked over at the quasi-dimensional artron chamber, once again wishing that he could switch it to transparent and watch the process unfold.

“How moved in is moved in?” he asked once he forced himself to turn back toward Rose.

“You’d sleep there, shower there, eat some of your meals. Most of your clothes an’ stuff would be there. Y’know. It’d be where you live. With me. If you want.”

“And that’s what you want?” he double checked, trying not to telegraph his surprise - he must have missed a lot while in a coma, as last he knew they were teetering on the edge of a row.

Rose rolled her eyes, and that was much more in line with where he thought they were at, er, relationship-wise.

“Well, I don’t fancy living in a clocktower office. When I’m done working, I’d like to not still be at work, ta.”

She did make some excellent points … but still, it all implied that they would be staying together. And that was what he wanted, of course it was, but the Doctor still couldn’t help but feel he had missed something crucial despite the fact that he could now remember everything clearly.

“You blew up my job. ”

“I love you, too. But I’m still mad at you.”

“You’ve still got two beating.”

Maybe there wasn’t something to have missed. Human emotions were relatively complex, after all, and there was no rule requiring them to happen in isolation.

“Are you still mad at me?” he asked, realizing as he did that to Rose it was coming from seemingly out of nowhere.

This was confirmed as she blinked, brows furrowing.

“I don’t know. Maybe a little, but …”

“But?” the Doctor repeated, unable to stand the suspense.

“It’s hardly the first time we’ve had a fight, yeah?”

He nodded, unsure of where she was planning on going with this and hoping that he wouldn’t need to begin apologizing for every insensitive thing he’d said or done since they first met. It would take ages.

“Well, we always end up workin’ it out. And we did live together, travelin’ on the TARDIS, whether we had a row or not, so …” Rose shrugged, now examining her fingernails.

Speaking of the TARDIS, though …

“First things first,” the Doctor began, rubbing the back of his neck as he stood up and began pacing, “I want it on record that I would absolutely love to live in a flat with you, with carpets and doors and things. Assuming we’d spend much of our time traveling about, that is.” He turned back toward her, having paced his way back over to the TARDIS’ QDA chamber. “The thing is, it’s … I don’t want you to think that- the TARDIS. She needs me here. This is a critical development period. For the next three to six months, the TARDIS will be growing in the chamber, learning how to connect to and create dimensions. Until she can manage it, I can’t move her and she requires near-constant monitoring. Every hour or two.” 

“She’s like a newborn baby,” Rose commented, getting up and joining him at the chamber, where she stroked the side.

“Exactly.”

“Well, I suppose this’ll have to do then,” she reluctantly … agreed? “As long as we’re living in the flat as soon as she’s moveable, mind. The bathroom here is two floors away.”

“It’s a clocktower, Rose! There’s only so much space.” The Doctor scrunched up his face as he said the word. 

“Then why’d you pick this place? I know because of the Rift, but doesn’t it stretch further than just the tower?”

“Nope,” he shrugged.

It’s not as though he hadn’t checked. 

“Really?”

“Small rift.”

“Yeah,” Rose laughed, “a small rift right under Big Ben.”

The Doctor laughed with her, amazed that he finally could.

Then he frowned.

It was all a little too good to be true.

Was this real?

“Hey.”

He refocused. Rose was right in front of him, their eyes locked.

“You were getting that look in your eyes,” she informed him.

“Look? What look?” the Doctor asked, though he was pretty sure he already knew. Some sort of dazed tell, some sort of glaringly obvious indicator that his grasp on reality was failing him.

“This look you get when you start thinkin’ you’re in the wrong universe.”

Wrong universe, wrong universe, wrong universe.

“Well, I am in the wrong universe,” he couldn’t help but point out.

“Yeah, I know. Me too. But y’know what?”

Rose wrapped her arms around him, and it was almost as if she were his tether, grounding him to this new reality they’d found themselves in.

“It’s better with two.”

[anogete]

Watch me vomit up my thoughts

It’s been a while, hasn’t it?  I’m sorry I’ve disappeared on everyone.  It’s been... a year.  I think that probably goes for everyone, not just me.  If you’re interested in a personal life update, then read on.  If you’re looking for an update on my writing then I regret to inform you that I haven’t written a single thing this year.  Maybe next year, though.  There is always next year, right?  I think I saw a blurb that we’re getting Sam and Bucky back in March.  And Loki shortly after.  Maybe that will be my inspiration.

I’m fortunate enough to have a job that lets me comfortably work from home.  I’m also fortunate enough to own a home.  And my last blessing is that I don’t have kids, so I didn’t have to figure out the nightmare of childcare and home schooling like some of you.  My library on the second floor of the house has been my office since mid-March.  I’ve been transitioning into the Associate Financial Advisor roll this year and that has been going well.  I’m supporting the clients I’ve worked with as an assistant for the past nine years, so it’s been easy-going.  I’m able to order my groceries for pick up to avoid going in the stores and I live in an neighborhood where it is easy to get delivery from restaurants.  I’m incredibly lucky to have all these things going for me and I am thankful every damn day.

I fell into a bit of a funk this spring and early summer, but managed to pull myself out of it in August.  I started planning my meals, walking 2-5 miles every day, and exercising on the Peloton bike I bought a year ago.  I also started reading again and zipped through almost 50 books between June and now.  By November, I was feeling strong and healthy.  I felt like I had found a balance between work and activity and self-care.  I was still coming to terms with my grandma passing in March of last year and with Ferguson (my sweet doggo) passing in September of last year.  But I was trying and things were getting better.  I felt like I had my feet underneath me.

Lemme stop you here if you don’t want to read about death and some general medical stuff.  Because that’s mostly what you’re getting from here on out.

On November 21st, my mom texted me at 5:30am.  I got it right away because I usually wake up around that time, alarm or not.  She said she had dropped my dad off at the hospital because he was having difficulty breathing.  Apparently, he’d been feeling bad for a week, but insisted to everyone that it was just his sinuses draining.  I called her and began questioning her like I was cross-examining a star witness.  I was able to piece together a really fucking shitty story.

My dad always went to a friend’s house on Friday evenings to have a couple beers and hang out.  We’d all warned him since March that he needed to stop, but he insisted it was fine.  He bought into a lot of the cavalier attitude that the Trump fans have over this virus. Plus, he was 64-years-old and didn’t take any medication so he probably thought it was no big deal.  He spent a few hours at his friend’s house on November 6th.  Unbeknownst to anyone at the time, he received a call from that friend on November 11th that the friend and the friend’s wife had tested positive for COVID.  He didn’t share this info with my mother, my brothers, or my uncle, all of whom had been near him.  By November 15th, he was coughing but insisted it was drainage when my mom suggested he take something for it and go to the doctor.  By November 18th, he was worse and admitted to my mom that his friend had tested positive but that he hadn’t seen him for almost two weeks so his problems were just sinus-related and not COVID.  My mom hates confrontation, so she accepted this and didn’t tell anyone, including me and my brothers.  By November 19th, he had a fever and was having trouble breathing along with a persistent cough.  He finally agreed to take some cold medicine, but refused to call his doctor’s office despite my mom asking him many, many times.  At 4:30am on November 21st, he woke my mom and asked her to take him to the hospital because he couldn’t breathe well.  She dropped him off and returned home to text me since they wouldn’t allow her in the building.  She also texted my brothers, who admitted that they felt like they’d had a cold for several days.  I live 4 hours away and haven’t traveled since March, so I hadn’t seen any of them.

A nurse called my mom a couple hours after she dropped my dad off to tell her that he was positive for COVID and pneumonia and they were admitting him to put him on a bipap.  From what I understand, that’s the oxygen mask that pushes air into your lungs.  Later that day, the health department called my mom and told her to quarantine for two weeks.  My mom cooperated and gave them my brothers’ phone number (they live together), my uncle’s phone number, and the name and number of the person we suspected my dad was infected by (his friend).  My brothers opted to get tested and were positive.  They quarantined for two weeks and had mild to moderate symptoms (brief fever, very tired, cough, drainage).  My mom had virtually no symptoms with the exception of some drainage that she took Mucinex for.  She didn’t get tested, but she lived and slept in the same bed with my dad for a week while he was symptomatic.  If my brothers got it from 30 minutes in the same room as him, surely she got it as well.  My uncle and his son got tested, but they were negative.

My dad was cooperative with the doctor and nurses at first, but as the first day wore on he became irritated.  He’d been without his chewing tobacco (yes, I know: eww) for several hours and was going through nicotine withdrawal, but wouldn’t admit that to the nurses or doctor.  The next day he was put in ICU, still on the bipap, and even more unruly and rude to the staff taking care of him.  They called my mom to ask her to talk to him and convince him to cooperate.  They said if he couldn’t recover on the bipap and required a ventilator then “things would be very bad.”  My mom tried to talk to him by text and he just continued to insist that he was well enough to come home.

I used to be close to my dad when I was a kid, but we’d grown apart over my adulthood.  Over the past 20 years, my dad morphed into someone different.  Everyone around him, especially my grandmother, told me they saw this happen the same as I did.  The result was that my dad became someone I didn’t like and didn’t want to spend time with.  He also didn’t seem to know how to talk to me anymore.  To be fair, I didn’t give him much help in that regard.  I texted him to see how he was doing and the conversation quickly devolved into him complaining about the care and insisting he was well enough to come home.  I tried to reason with him and appeal to his love for my mom by saying that my fear was him coming home and giving her the virus.  He told me that he’d decided he was no longer contagious and this was just a bunch of bullshit.  This conversation via text continued through Monday and Tuesday (November 23rd and 24th), but it took a turn for the delusional.  The doctor can only assume that the virus and the lack of oxygen had resulted in hallucinations and delusions.  My dad told my mother and I that he was in an office building owned by a man named Mr. Pritt.  He said he was the only patient and that this man was having his workers experiment on him and that they would eventually kill him.  He demanded that we come get him immediately so he could recover at home.  When we told him he’d die if he came home because he was too sick, he insisted he wasn’t sick at all and became very angry with us.  He accused both my mom and I of conspiring to kill him because we wouldn’t help him.  One day he told me that I’d confirmed what he’d known all along.  I asked him what that was and he said, “That I always loved you more than you loved me.”  This really hurt because even though I knew he was loopy, I also knew that he’d probably actually had that though before.

He began refusing treatment on those days and wouldn’t accept the steroids they were trying to give him and raised hell when they tried to take him for a chest x-ray.  He also told them he didn’t want to be placed on a ventilator even though he had agreed to one when he was admitted.  He was texting all of his friends and telling them he needed a ride home.  He attempted to get up and leave the hospital twice, falling in the floor both times because he was so weak from lack of oxygen once he took the mask off.  He also told my mom and I that he was secretly removing the mask when the nurses couldn’t see to prove to them that he wasn’t sick.  He was taking and sending blurry pictures to us of the room as “evidence.”  He told my mom to forward the pictures to “the feds.”  The pictures were of his hospital bed, the whiteboard with his nurses’ and doctor’s names on it, his IVs, etc.  By the morning of Wednesday, the 25th, I was getting some off-the-wall texts from him.  He was begging us to come check him out of the hospital at that point and we were trying to play along and tell him we were getting everything in order for him to come home soon.  Eventually, he told me that he wasn’t getting out of there alive and that he loved me.  I told him I loved him too and begged him to do whatever the doctor said because the doctor wanted to help him get better.

A few minutes later, the nurse called my mom and asked if she’d been on the phone with my dad.  My mom said she and I hadn’t spoken to him by any way other than text since he arrived at the hospital.  The nurse said he had been on the phone with a woman, trying to convince her to come get him.  The nurse made him put the call on speaker so she could tell the woman that he wasn’t well enough to leave.  Because she was concerned that her message didn’t get through before my dad hung up, she called my mom to make sure he hadn’t convinced my mom to check him out against medical advice.  My mom assured her that we had no intention of breaking him out of the hospital, but she didn’t know who the woman was.  It wasn’t her or me.  We called a long-time former co-worker of my dad’s that I’ve known since I was a kid and she said she hadn’t talked to him.  We called his best friend and asked if he’d called and spoken to the man’s wife.  Not her either.  More on this later.  I’m sure you know where it’s going.

We were stumped, but didn’t have time to deal with it because the nurse practitioner called and told my mom that my dad was delusional and could no longer make his own decisions.  They said he had no chance of survival if they didn’t put him on a ventilator immediately.  My mom called me.  I told her to agree to it.  The nurse called her back and gave the phone to my dad.  He had agreed to the ventilator as well and wanted to tell my mom that he loved her and me and my brothers and his dog.  His speech was slurred and muffled from the bipap mask, but she at least heard that.  They intubated him right after the call.  He was on a paralytic for a week.  When they backed off on the paralytic, they had to increase his oxygen.  A week later, the nurse tried to kindly tell us that he wasn’t getting better and his chances of survival were low.  She suggested we start to talk about turning off the ventilator and letting him go.  We did talk about that, which was very upsetting for everyone, but the doctor said he’d been on the ventilator for two weeks and we’d give him one more week to see what happens.  By this point, he no longer had pneumonia. But the damage COVID did to his lungs couldn’t be repaired.

The ventilator was on full blast (highest pressure, highest oxygen) just to keep him somewhat stable.  The days were ticking by and he still wasn’t making progress.  Any step forward was followed by a bigger step back. My mom would call and get the update from the nurse most days, but I did call myself a few days.  When I’d call and talk to the nurse, I’d get a grim picture that my mom didn’t seem to get or understand. I talked to her on December 12th and asked her if she was trying to protect my brothers and I or if she really thought he was going to get better.  She admitted that she’d had a feeling for days that he wasn’t going to get better.  We decided to just wait for the doctor to call.  The nurse called my mom on Monday, December 14th and told her that my dad’s blood pressure was all over the place and they were struggling to keep him stable, that the ventilator was turned up to the highest settings and it was barely enough to keep him going.  My mom texted me and told me she asked them to call me.  The doctor called me within about 20 minutes and basically told me that my dad wasn’t going to make it.  They’d had him on a ventilator for 19 days and within a couple days his throat tissue would likely become necrotic from the pressure of the cuff keeping the tube in place.  They could only continue the ventilator if they could put in a trach and he wasn’t stable enough for that.  In addition, he needed more support than the ventilator could provide.  I was told he was either going to go into cardiac arrest while on the ventilator and die or they’d be forced to take him off the ventilator because of the damage to his throat.  The most damning thing he told me was that he’d removed the sedation but my dad didn’t wake.  He wasn’t responsive, wouldn’t squeeze their hands, wouldn’t flinch when they tested his reflexes, nothing.

I was told we could come sit with him and say goodbye when the ventilator was removed.  I asked when and the doctor said soon.  I live 4 hours from my parents, so I told him I’d leave right away and have my mom call to make arrangements for me to come to the hospital.  I called my mom and told her all this and asked her to let the hospital know.  I packed a bag and rushed out the door.  On my way out of town, the doctor called me back and asked if I was on my way.  My mom had told them that we’d come by the next morning and he was worried my dad wouldn’t make it through the night.  So, I had to have a shitty conversation with my mom about how we couldn’t schedule my dad’s death for 7am on Tuesday, that it needed to happen at 8pm on Monday.  I do not recommend these types of calls.

I got into town around 7pm and picked my mom up because she’d decided she wanted to come with me.  My brothers said they couldn’t handle it and decided to stay at my mom’s house.  My mom and I were taken to the COVID floor, given gowns, and gloves, told he was COVID positive so we’d need to continue to wear our cloth masks (no medical mask, is that safe?!), and escorted to his room in the ICU.  Guys, he looked so fucking tired and so sad.  It was heartbreaking.  The nurse said their ICU was full and most of the patients were in the same shape as my dad.  We talked to him for a few minutes, held his hand and all that shit.  He didn’t respond in any way, so I don’t know if he was even there.  We stepped out of the room while they removed the tube and gave him some medicine.  When we went back in, his breaths were labored and it looked like he was gasping for air. My mom almost lost it because she wasn’t expecting that.  I told her she could go wait in the hall and I’d stay with him until he passed.  The nurse was kind enough to give him a little more medicine to make it less dramatic, but it was still difficult watching him breathe in that way.  My mom sat so she couldn’t see his head to make things easier on herself.  We sat there with him for about 40 minutes before he passed away at 8:32pm on Monday, the 14th.

I stayed with my mom last week and helped her arrange a private graveside service and the burial.  She wanted to do a funeral and I thought that was the worst idea, so we agreed on doing a celebration of life next year when things are a little better (hopefully).  To my knowledge, I haven’t had the virus.  I operated under the assumption that my mom and brothers had it and were immune for now and wouldn’t transmit it.  So, I was able to be with them without mask, but I did wear a mask when anyone else was around.  I can’t say the same for the fucking funeral director and the locksmith’s employee who opened my dad’s safe for us, though.  I live in a bigger city and mask wearing is pretty wide-spread here, but I saw so many people in my hometown (a more rural area) who didn’t bother with them.

Anyway, while all these graveside preparations are going on my mom goes through the bag of personal items from my dad that the hospital gave us.  She tossed his clothes in the washer and placed his two rings into a bag to give to the funeral home so he could be buried in them.  She also pulled out his wallet and his cell phone.  His wallet has a picture that was obviously cut from an old driver’s license of a woman named Deb.  Apparently, this woman lives in Florida and had attended junior high school with my dad.  About two years ago, my parents took a trip to Florida and visited with her for several days.  She even friended my mom on Facebook.  So, the old driver’s license picture of her was very weird.  What was even more disturbing?  His wallet also contained a plastic bag of hair that very obviously is not my mom’s.  And there was a piece of paper with three phone numbers on it.  His phone was locked with a PIN and was set to wipe itself after 20 incorrect tries.  I did tried to break into it, but wasn’t successful.  My mom admitted that she suspected he’d been talking to someone on his phone for years, but she never directly confronted him about it.  She’d just make comments about him always texting on his phone and being secretive.  Two Christmases ago he bought her a ring at a store that she has an online login to.  This particular store posts the receipts for all purchases linked to the customer’s account to the website.  She saw that my dad had purchased two pieces of jewelry even though she only received one.  My dad has never in his life bought me a Christmas present without my mom assisting, so she knew it wasn’t for me.  She still didn’t confront him, though.  She just told him that she could see the itemized receipts online.

I sympathized with my mom because I’ve experienced the infidelity of a partner in a relationship and if I were her then I’d want to know.  But I also told her that I don’t know digging into it will make things any better and may not even give her the truth.  He’s gone and there is nothing that can be done about that or anything else.  While I was running errands for her the day before the graveside service, she messaged Deb in Florida and asked if she wanted her picture back.  She also called the three phone numbers in his wallet.  One went to Deb.  The other two were the cell phone and work phone of my dad’s best friend’s wife, Anne.  The same friend and wife who likely gave the virus to my dad.  My mom told me when I got back that she’d done this and admitted she’d always felt like my dad was talking to Anne and might have an inappropriate relationship with her.  I suspect my mom is right.  Gut instinct is usually accurate.  She said she didn’t think anything physical was going on with Deb, but she did think my dad was carrying on a flirtatious relationship with her via text.  In both cases, he tried to hide it.  And if you hide it, then you know it’s wrong.  That night Deb messaged my mom back and said she had heard about what happened to my dad and was very sorry.  She said that my dad was always clear that he was married and nothing went on that was inappropriate, but that he gave her someone to talk to when her husband was sick and dying five years earlier and they’d always kept in contact.  Again, I don’t think my mom can count on anyone to give her the full story without spin or deceit.  A couple days ago, she texted me a picture of a receipt from my dad’s truck.  It was from last Christmas from a department store.  It had two pieces of jewelry on it.  She looked them both up using the UPCs listed and found the necklace he gave her last year and a ring she doesn’t recognize.  We don’t know if he was giving this jewelry to Deb in Florida or Anne, his friend’s wife.  Or someone else we don’t even know about.  And we’re probably never going to know.  Do I want to call Deb and Anne and tell them I want to full story?  Fuck yeah.  Do I think it will fix anything?  Fuck no.

TL;DR?  I finally found some balance in my life late this summer.  This balance was destroyed when my dad got COVID and died after three weeks in the hospital.  And when you’ve already got a not-so-great relationship with your dad, you get all kinds of feels when he dies in a traumatic way and then you find out he’s been screwing around on your mom.  I also have lots of anger toward him for knowingly exposing my other family members to the virus simply because he didn’t want to own up to getting it after doing something we’d all told him to stop doing.

Health-wise?  I think I’m okay.  It’s been almost ten days since I was with him in the hospital and seven days since his graveside service.  I haven’t had any symptoms yet and I think most people show symptoms by now.  Regardless, I’ve been at home since I returned last Thursday evening and I intend to stay home until January 2nd.  My boyfriend is also home and will be here until January 2nd as well.  Just to be safe.  My brothers are mostly recovered, but both still have a bit of a cough.  My mom never had much in the way of symptoms and seems fine.  My dad was 64 and overweight.  We found out once he was admitted to the hospital that his regular doctor had told him he was a diabetic and my dad insisted on “treating” that with cinnamon instead of actual medicine.  Other than those things, he didn’t have any health concerns.  Be careful, ya’ll.

[spnirwin]

Nobody Fights Alone - Part 1

Pairing: Eddie Diaz x Reader

Word Count: 1,717

Warnings: Mentions of cancer

A/N: We present to you the first installment in our angsty Eddie mini series! With bonus twin!Buck...just saying. This is a collaborative effort between myself and @anotherspnfanfic. If you want to see updates on your dash, throw us both a follow 😉 Let us know what you think!

You were standing in the kitchen washing the breakfast dishes as Eddie buzzed around you. He was shoving the things he would need for his shift at the 118 into his duffel bag. Everything seemed to be scattered in every corner of your shared apartment. 

“So, do you have anything planned for today?” he asked, pausing to glance up at you. 

“Not really,” you shrugged. “I might be grabbing lunch with Kelly but that’s it.”

“You should take some time to do something nice for yourself then. You've seemed a bit down lately and you’re always working so hard taking care of things around here. You deserve it.”

“Oh, my god, you sound like Evan,” you said, rolling your eyes. “He’s always saying I give too much, that I don’t take enough time for myself.”

“He’s right,” Eddie chuckled. “As your twin, he knows you better than anyone so you should probably listen to him. And me, because I know what I’m talking about, too,” he added, almost as an afterthought. 

You smiled and shook your head at him in response. Eddie left the room, presumably to try and figure out what was taking Christopher so long to get ready for school. As soon as he disappeared from sight, the smile dropped straight off of your face. You would be doing something for yourself today, but it was neither fun nor enjoyable. In fact, it was absolutely petrifying. 

A few minutes later Eddie reentered the room, Christopher in tow. “Go ahead and grab your backpack, buddy. We gotta go,” Eddie said as he walked over to you.

Your hands were stuck in the soapy, water filled sink when he approached you from the side. He rested one hand on your hip and looked at you earnestly. 

“Seriously, please take some time for yourself today. Even if it’s just to walk down the street and grab a coffee.”

“I will,” you said, nodding in agreement. He smiled and pressed a quick kiss to your lips, satisfied with your response.

Christopher had finished getting his things for school and was now waiting patiently for his dad. Eddie gave your hip a quick squeeze before crossing the apartment, grabbing his duffle, and meeting Christopher at the door. 

“Love you!” they both called out as they opened the door and stepped through. 

“Love you, too,” you called back, the door slamming shut behind them with an eerie finality. 

—

You looked around the doctor’s office, your leg bouncing up and down uncontrollably. To say you were nervous was an understatement. This was your second appointment this week. You had gone in for your yearly check-up, and while performing your routine breast exam the doctor had found a lump. Breast cancer was rare in women your age, but not an impossibility.

The door in front of you opened and a nurse stepped through, calling your name. You stood and followed her through the door and back to an exam room. Your nerves were skyrocketing when the doctor finally came and got you for your mammogram. When it was over, she returned you to the exam room where you waited again, this time for the results.

The waiting was the hardest part. You had waited three days between appointments, one hour in the waiting room, and now twenty minutes for your exam results. This was potentially just the beginning of the waiting, and it was already excruciating.

The doctor entered the room with a grim look on her face. She hadn’t liked what she had seen on the mammogram and wanted to do a biopsy. You would need to make an appointment with a specialist in a different part of the practice for a later date, but she wanted you to begin preparing now. Your head spun as you listened to her describe the procedure. It was pretty non-invasive, just a needle removing some cells that would be sent off to a lab and tested. You would be able to go home immediately after with slight swelling and minimal pain. The results would come back four days later. You could make your appointment with the secretary on the way out.

You walked back down the hallway toward the waiting room in a daze, unsure of how to process the information that had just been thrown at you. The doctor had insisted that there was nothing to worry about yet, but that did nothing to stop the influx of emotions that were currently coursing through your body. You stopped briefly at the front desk and made your next appointment for six days from the current one. Your motions were zombie-like as you exited the doctor’s office and headed home. 

—

You awoke the next morning feeling unsteady. You were having trouble processing. So you decided to pretend like everything was fine. 

This is exactly what you were doing when Eddie arrived home from his shift. He walked through the door and found you sitting at the kitchen table, joking with Christopher over chocolate chip pancakes. 

“Hey guys.” He walked over the table, stopping to ruffle Christopher’s hair and press a kiss to the top of your head. You put some pancakes onto his plate as he slid into his chair. 

“You have about five minutes until we have to leave for school,” you said to Christopher. He nodded in response before turning and starting to chatter at Eddie. 

While they talked, you pushed your pancake pieces around on your plate, not at all interested in actually eating them. You were so interested in looking down at your plate that you didn’t notice the small glances Eddie was shooting your way. 

“Alright, kiddo,” you said a few short minutes later. “Time to go.”

Christopher nodded, clearly disappointed, but stood anyway and walked to the counter to get his lunch. 

“I’ll clean this up,” Eddie said, gesturing to the breakfast remnants in front of you.

“Thanks,” you said. You moved to get up and follow Christopher but Eddie’s hand on your arm stopped you.

“Are you okay?” he asked. 

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just didn’t sleep well last night.” You shot him a small smile and stood up. Eddie’s eyes tracked your back the entire way as you walked toward the front door. 

He sighed as it opened up and closed behind you. The smile that you had attempted to give him hadn’t reached your eyes. Something was wrong. 

—

You ran circles around Eddie for the next six days. Every time he questioned your mood you managed to skirt around it or give some half baked excuse as to why you were acting that way. You knew he was hurt by your behavior, but you didn’t want to tell him anything until you had definitive answers. That way he didn’t have to share in as much of the waiting. It would be easier for him. You didn’t want him to worry if it turned out to be nothing.

You sent him off to his shift with a bright smile on the morning of your biopsy appointment. As you drove to the doctor’s office, you couldn’t help but feel guilty. He deserved better than what you were currently giving him, but at the moment it was all you could manage. 

As soon as you arrived at the doctor’s office, you were whisked away for your biopsy. The procedure was relatively quick with minimal pain. You were slightly tender and swollen, but it wasn’t anything noticeable that would impact the rest of your day. Now, it was time for more waiting. 

You were driving home when your phone rang. When you answered you were slightly surprised to hear Athena’s voice on the other end of the line. 

“Hey girl, you up to anything pressing right now?” she asked. 

You considered her question carefully before responding. “No, I’m just heading home.”

“Well you better turn that car around and head this way. I’m at the station making lunch and I would love it if you would join. I could use some help in the kitchen and I know a couple boys that would love to see you.” 

It was an invitation you couldn’t deny. If you did, you knew she would say something to Eddie or Buck and then they would definitely know something was wrong. 

“I’ll be right over!” You brightened your voice and it rose an octave. 

As you hung up the phone and turned your car around in the direction of the station, you wondered when your life had suddenly become such a lie. 

—

You wandered across the apparatus floor on auto-pilot. All you could think about was the test results you were waiting for.

As you approached the stairs, Buck came up behind you and wrapped his arms around your middle. You startled at the touch and let out a surprised gasp.

He released you instantly. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.” He smiled, apologetically. “What are you doing here?”

You ran your palm across your forehead as you organized your thoughts. “Uh, lunch. Athena called and told me she was cooking for you guys today.”

“Awesome. I think it’s going to be a little while before it’s ready, but she’s upstairs. Eddie was over rolling hoses last I saw him.” He pointed towards the side of the truck as he explained.

“Okay,” you said, turning to head up the stairs.

Buck placed a hand on your shoulder to keep you from turning away. “Are you alright? You seem distracted.”

You plastered a smile on as you nodded. “Yeah. It’s just been a long morning.”

You could see that he didn’t quite believe you but he let it go, for now. You continued up to greet Athena and thank her for the invite.

Eddie walked up next to Buck as you cleared the top step. Buck looked over at him before he looked back up. “Does she seem off to you?”

Eddie frowned. “Yeah, she’s been off all week. She didn’t even come say hi to me just now. Did she say anything to you about something going on?”

Buck shook his head. “No, just said it’s been a long morning.”

Eddie sighed as he headed over towards the weight room, deciding to give you some space until lunch was ready.

—

[give-her-hell-from-us-pevees]

Hi :) i love your imagines! Could you do one where reader is jay's sister and Antonio is secretly dating her? She's in dangerous situation and they both come running to safe her? Thanks 😊 and have a great day!

Last Call A.D

This morning you woke up in bed cuddled up to Antonio. It was your idea to tell your brothers that you were dating Antonio. It was going great so far and you haven't been this happy in years. And it was all due to Antonio. And now here he was, looking at the white board in the units office with a picture labeled of you as a missing person.

This morning, you called your brother, Jay, and asked him if he wanted to come over for dinner that night. You never got to work to talk to Will to ask him to come over for dinner. Now, Jay and Will were sat in the small office with Voight, asking who she was last seen with and who she last talked to. After a few questions, Voight left the room. Antonio was still staring at your picture. Your y/e/c eyes were shining show Bright and showed your beautiful smile. The picture was brought to the office by Jay from his house. The picture also showed Will to your right and Jay on your left with their arms wrapped around you.

When Jay got the call from Will saying you never showed up to work today, he instantly started to panic. You're his sister for God's sakes. And when Antonio got the text from Jay saying he needed the team to come in and help find you, Antonio nearly dropped his phone and ran out the door to the district.

If anything happened to you, Antonio didn't know what he would do. You and Antonio were only together for a little bit but he cared immensely for you. All he wanted to do was make you happy and feel loved. Unlike his ex wife, you understand his love for this job, it was the same way with you at the E.D. You loved and appreciated everything Antonio did for you. He needed to get you back. Enough was enough, time to come clean.

Antonio got up from his desk and made his way over to Will and Jay.

"Y/N asked you dinner tonight. She wanted to ask you," he said pointing to Will, "to come too. But she never got the chance to tell you"

"I told Voight I was the last to talk to her." Jay told him.

"No you weren't. I was." Antonio said.

Will looked Antonio up and down confused, "How do you know it wasn't Jay? And why were you talking to our sister?"

"Antonio if you have something to say just say it" Jay said.

Antonio pulled out his phone to show Jay his call log. "You talked to Y/N at 7:47 this morning Jay. I called her at 8:15 to make sure she got to to work, she said she had just parked her car"

Jay and Will took turns looking at Antonio's phone. "She only asked you to dinner because she was going to tell you that we were dating"

"Dating. Dating each other? You and my sister together?" Will asked.

"I'm sorry" Antonio said. "I'm sorry I should have said something sooner Jay."

Jay's jaw was clenched but he was able to say, "You and I will talk later but right now we need to talk to Voight."

----

After confirming that your car was indeed parked in the Chicago med lot, they started to search for camera. Eventually they found a camera inside the parking garage and they found footage of you being taken into a van by gun point.

Antonio, Jay and the rest of the team were about to storm the house of your kidnapper. Jay went to door and tried to turn the knob. Locked. He took a step back and kicked the door the down. Antonio then moved in, "Chicago P.D!" he yelled. Antonio cleared the left side of the house while Jay went to the right. From upstairs they heard Hailey yell "Jay! Antonio! She's up here!"

The two men quickly ran up the steps taking two at a time. As the reached the top they saw you laying on the floor in the bathroom. Your scrubs were covered in blood and your arms and legs were covered in bruises. Jay and Antonio dropped to their knees when they got to you. Jay went by your head and started to run his hand through your hair, "We got you Y/N. We got you, hold on sis"

Antonio grabbed your hand and kissed it, "We're here, just hold on"

In-between coughs you were able to tell them, "It's not all mine" referring to the blood "his daughter, she's sick"

"Okay okay, that's good baby" Antonio said.

Jay grabbed his radio "Where my damn Ambo?" He said

"ETA in 3 minutes"

You tried to look at Jay but it hurt to move. "Jay, Antonio and I-"

"I know. I know Y/N. I'm not mad. We can talk later but right now we need to get you to the ambo."

------

Jay, Antonio and Will sat in the waiting room of the hospital waiting to come a see you. On the way to Chicago Med, your lung collapsed due to the severe beating. Will was pacing the floor. Jay sat down, his leg bouncing out of anxiety. And Antonio sat with head down between his hands.

Dr. Marcel came out of the E.D and the three boys rushed over to him. Not caring if they ran into others or not. "How is she, Crockett?" Will asked.

"Well her lung collapsed so we inserted a tube to remove the excess air. She also has some minor interior bleeding. I'm not worried about it too much but we will keep an eye on it. Other than that, I'd say she'll make a full recovery," he tells them.

The boys instantly relaxed but there was one question Antonio was scared to asked. "Dr. Marcel, was she- did he -"

"We did a rape kit just to be safe. It came back negative"

Antonio ran his hand through his hair, "Oh thank God"

Jay extended his hand to the Doctor, "Thank you sir"

Dr.Marcel shook Jay's and looked at each of the  three men while telling them, "I've always liked Y/N. She's an amazing doctor and has such a kind soul. Jay, Antonio, you better find this guy"

"The rest of the team is following a lead now. But can we go and see her?" Jay asked.

"She's upstairs, obviously we want to keep her overnight. But yes you can go see her."

And with Dr.Marcel went back into the ED and they went to the elevators.

You were only on the third floor, but the elevator ride seemed never ending. Jay turned to look at Antonio and asked, "So how long exactly have you been seeing our sister?" crossing his arms.

"Together for about two months. We were talking for one."

Jay sighed, a tad annoyed, "To be fair, I did go out with Gabby for a bit and you were cool with it. Even after it ended. So I guess, I should be okay with it. Besides, she could have picked Ruzek, if she’s with anyone I’m glad it’s you man."

"She was really looking forward tonight" Antonio said.

"Once she's out, we will get together. But right now just stay with her. She needs you Antonio." Will chimed in.

"Your her brothers, she needs you too."

They made there way out of the elevator and went to your room. You were laying in your bed half asleep with a tube sticking out of her side. Antonio's blood started to boil and wanted to get a few moments alone with the man that took you, as did Jay. But right now, Antonio needed to be with his girl.

"We will wait outside," Jay said.

"Are you sure?" Antonio asked.

"Yea man. I'll make a few calls to the district and update the team on Y/N. Hopefully we will have an update on the her kidnapper" Jay said.

"And I can go check on some of my patients, Natalie and Ethan helped cover for me."

Antonio nodded his head, "Thank you" and went into your room. He pulled up the chair and sat next to you holding your hand. You started to stir at his touch and you opened your eyes to find Antonio teary eyed.

"Hi baby" you said. Your voice was rough and you were desperate for water.

"How are you feeling?" He asked.

"I'm drugged up on morphine so I'm thinking pretty good"

He laughed lightly, still amazing after the day you've had you were still making jokes.

"I was so scared Y/N. I thought I lost you. "

"It's not your fault Tonio"

"If I had lost you," his voice was cracking' I-i don't know what I would do. I love you damn much"

"I love you too Antonio"

Antonio leaned down and kiss your head. "Do you want me to go get Jay and Will?"

"If you don't mind, I'd like to have all my boys in one room"

Antonio finally cracked a smile, "Will do. I'll be right back baby" he squeezed your hand and got up to find Jay and Will. As he left the room your thoughts drifted away to what happened earlier today. Your hands started to shake and you chest felt like weight was resting in you but letting you breathe as you tried not to cry. After all, you had to be strong for your boys.

[hockeylvr59]

Please Don’t Judge Me Part 4 || Auston Matthews

Requested: [ ] yes [x] no

Authors Note: Once again I fail miserably...an update a year is pretty crappy and I’m not even sure if anyone is still interested, but I think I finally figured out where I want this series to go. It probably won’t be more than a part or two longer but we’ll see. Let me know what you think. 

Warnings: a curse or two

Word Count: 1,486

~~~~

Soon after it was revealed that you were pregnant with Auston’s baby, the Leafs were eliminated from playoff contention. Auston had insisted that he wanted to be a part of yours and the baby’s life but he hadn’t actually done anything to back up those words. And needless to say, you weren’t holding your breath that he ever would. 

In fact, it wouldn’t surprise you if he went to Arizona for the summer and resumed ignoring you. To be frank, Auston doing whatever the hell he wanted was the least of your worries. 

Now that Steph knew, she was over at your apartment more frequently and when she wasn’t around she was texting to see if there was anything you needed. There was no doubt in your mind that you were probably going to name Steph and Mitch godparents of your little one and you were grateful for their friendship. 

___

As you stood in front of the mirror in your bedroom, you sighed and fiddled with the hem of your shirt, adjusting the way the fabric laid over your ever-expanding bump. You weren’t sure whether the feelings inside of you were more excitement or nerves but either way, you couldn’t get your body to relax. 

Looking over at the clock beside your bed, you sighed and grabbed your purse, slipping a pair of sandals onto your feet. You had a doctor’s appointment in 45 minutes and if you were going to make it in time, you needed to get your butt out of the door. 

Today was possibly one of the biggest days of your pregnancy. Today you could find out whether you were having a boy or a girl. A mini Auston or a mini-you. You knew that you could find out, but the more you thought about it, the more you weren’t sure whether you wanted to. 

On top of all of that, you decided to be the bigger person yesterday and had texted Auston the appointment information. You had no idea whether he was even still in Toronto and he hadn’t responded to the text but your child deserved to know its father, even if you weren’t sure Auston deserved the same. He probably wouldn’t even show, but knowing that he might made you even more anxious than normal. 

___

Reaching the doctor’s office, you made your way inside, making note to talk with the doctor about safe ways to alleviate the lower back pain that had become almost constant. After signing in you asked the nurse if you could use the bathroom before your appointment, the baby having shifted on your bladder during the drive over. 

As you let yourself into the waiting room a minute or two later, your eyes met brown across the room, and for a moment you lost your breath. 

So he’d actually shown up. 

Grabbing a magazine, you took a chair two down from his and started flipping through it. From the corner of your eye, you could see him fiddling with his hands, removing his ball cap every so often to card his fingers through his hair. It was clear he was uncomfortable and there was a part of you that was glad he was. He didn’t get to be comfortable when he’d been MIA even after promising he wouldn’t be. 

When a nurse eventually called your name, you gingerly pushed yourself to your feet and looked back, waiting to see if Auston was going to follow. He hesitated for a moment before standing and following after as a nurse led you to an exam room. Once inside, he paced back and forth while the nurse took your blood pressure, weight, and quickly measured your growing bump. It wasn’t until she left the room that Auston finally spoke. 

“So uh...what’s this appointment for?” He mumbled, scratching at his head once more. You wanted to shoot back a sarcastic ‘to check on the baby you knocked me up with, dumb ass’ but you refrained, instead taking a deep breath and rubbing over your bump. 

“It’s an ultrasound to check on the baby’s development.” Certain that Auston still had no idea what that meant you sighed and continued. “We’ll get to see the baby, hear its heartbeat.” The way his eyes went wide told you that was clearly not what he was expecting. Thankfully, before he could say anything in response, there was a knock on the door and your doctor made her way inside the room. She didn’t even flinch seeing Auston standing there and instead just flipped through your chart before looking up at you. 

“Alright Y/N...I see we’ve reached the 18-week mark and you’re scheduled to see your baby today.” Her smile was bright and reminded you why you had chosen her as your doctor all along. It was hard to be stressed while surrounded by her easy demeanor. “I see the nurse already took your measurements. You’re right on track there. Growing nicely. Any new symptoms or concerns you’d like to discuss?” 

After asking how to best address your back pain, you were given some tips including obtaining a pregnancy pillow, seeing a massage therapist, applying some topical relief, and which pain medication was safe to take if needed. She then addressed that soon you should start feeling the baby move and what else to expect over the next few weeks. 

“Should we take a look at that baby now?” She finally inquired after you’d had all of your questions answered. Shifting on the table, you pulled your shirt up over your belly and slid your shorts down just a tad to provide her full access to your changing body. As you relaxed back you shivered as she put cold gel onto your stomach and started moving it around with the transducer. After a moment she pressed a few buttons and then reached up to turn the screen in your direction as the sound of a rapid heartbeat filled your ears. 

You’d seen your baby once before, but now it actually was starting to look like a baby, and tears immediately pooled in your eyes. The fact that a tiny human was growing inside of you was still mind-boggling. For another few minutes, your doctor typed away, moving the transducer to take some measurements. Then she turned to you, a smile on her face. 

“Everything looks great Y/N. Would you like to know the sex of the baby?” Looking over at the screen, you immediately knew exactly what you wanted. You’d been going back and forth for days but now you felt completely certain. 

“No. I want to wait and be surprised.” You answered. The sound of the chair beside you squeaking made you jump. You’d honestly forgotten that Auston was even there. For a split second, you thought about how maybe that wasn’t what he wanted, but then you decided that you didn’t care about what he wanted. Not knowing brought you a sense of peace that you hadn’t felt yet and you knew it was the right decision. 

“All right then.” Your doctor agreed. “If you ever change your mind you can just give us a call but I don’t blame you. It’s honestly the greatest surprise ever.” She mused, tapping your knee before handing you a few paper towels to wipe your stomach off with. “I think you’re all set. Pictures will be waiting for you up front. I’ll see you in a month.” She declared, before quickly scooting out of the room to see her next patient. For a moment you just relaxed against the bed, your brain processing everything before you cleaned up and fixed your clothing. By the time you had done that, you realized Auston was offering out a hand to help you off the table and begrudgingly you took it, holding on until you were steady on your feet. 

Neither of you spoke until after you’d stepped out of the office. As Auston held the door open you reached into the envelope to pull out one of the two copies of photos the nurse had printed for you. 

“Here.” You murmured, holding the sheet out to him. Auston took it warily, slipping it into his wallet. “Thanks for coming.” You breathed, twisting your keys on your fingers. “I’ll text you the date for the next appointment, but that one is just a check-up so nothing interesting will happen.” Auston nodded but it was clear that he still didn’t know what the hell he was doing and it was frustrating. You were trying and it still seemed like he wasn’t. 

Shaking your head you turned and walked away, heading back to where you’d parked your car. A twinge went up your back as you slid into the driver’s seat and you sighed. 

“I love you little one, but your daddy needs to grow the fuck up already.” 

[utterlyinevitable]

Yes please to in canon after the kiss at MK for the jealousy fluff piece! 😍 I actually had that exact timing in mind but didn't want to be too demanding in my request 😂 Thank you so much for humouring this, I'm so excited! And I have been glued to The Conference, can't wait to see what comes next. I'm such a sucker for the jealousy trope ❤️

Thanks so much for the request! I am so sorry it took forever! 💖💖💖 ugh i want to get the next installment of the conference out but i also don’t want to do any medical research for said conference 🤣 literally the only thing stopping me from updating it haha

Settle Down

Word Count: 973 Warning: a few curse words Summary: Becca hears that Ethan’s seeing someone else and goes ballistic. 

A/N: I did begin writing this for @wackydrabbles “I can’t believe you remembered” but then got stuck and abandoned it... ALSO Not to toot my own horn or anything but the last two lines of dialogue is the funniest and smartest thing I’ve ever written 😂😂😂

________________________________________

‘I heard they’re getting back together.’ 

‘Who?’

‘Ramsey and Emery.’

‘I saw them coming out of Emery’s office - his hair was a mess.’ 

‘Did you hear? They’re going to the Massachusetts for Medicine Gala together tonight.’ 

‘They’ve been on and off longer than I’ve worked here. Should suck it up and settle down already.’ 

The overheard nurses’ conversation played over and over again in Rebecca’s mind. What gala? Ethan never mentioned a gala? 

Just last week he kissed her outside of his apartment, after his father crashed their dinner date, with a promise that they’ll talk about whatever they were becoming. And then two nights ago he did it again during their Mass Kenmore heist. Was Becca endlessly foolish for thinking he wanted her just as much as she ached for him?

He’s known Harper forever… They couldn’t be more than friends, could they? Would they? 

She shook her head at the thought, having to remind herself, He’s not mine to claim. He’s made that perfectly clear…

But deep down she knew that they were tied to one another. His initiations and actions made it so. 

Becca’s blood started to boil as she stomped her way up to his office. Every replay of every word he’s ever said added with the nurses’ commentary fueled her fire.  

Why the fuck would he be stringing me along?!

She rounded past the diagnostics office noticing how a few of the blinds had been drawn over the glass walls. She could see Ethan in deep consideration staring at the whiteboard, his left arm folded across his torso and right hand stroking the stubble along his chin. 

Fuck me. 

She was thankful he was alone. She didn’t think she could handle having an unhinged outburst in front of the rest of the team. Although June knew of her and Ethan’s history she didn’t know how much she knew and if she knew how Harper Emery fit into all of this.  

Becca pushed the glass door open with force bringing Ethan out of his stupor when it closed shut with a solid whack. 

Ethan didn’t have time to turn towards the disruption before Becca shouted, “What do you think you’re doing?” 

He was taken aback but quickly composed himself as he digested the familiar voice he came to care so much for. “Working on our case. What are you -” 

“Harper,” she bitterly cut him off as he turned towards her. “What kind of game are you playing here, Ethan.” 

“I’m not -”  

He assessed her with a trained eye. Becca hovered by the threshold, five feet away from him by his desk, her tanned arms were folded across her small torso. Her eyes were a darker shade of brown than he’s ever seen and there was a divot between her angered brows. He was gobsmacked by her brazenness as she interrupted him once again;  

“I remember your fMRI - there’s something between you you’re not telling me.” 

“I can’t believe you remembered that,” Ethan said more to himself than anything. 

Becca was hyped up but she heard him. She always heard everything that velvety baritone voice said, whether she wanted to absorb the information or not was another story. 

“I remember everything about you!” she exclaimed, still on her warpath. “It’s unimportant, don’t change the subject.” She scolded, pointing a hostile finger at him. “What the fuck! You’re back with Harper? The nurses saw you. What the fuck!”  

Ethan leaned against his desk, his arms folded across his chest. A smirk playing on his features as he watched the petite doctor motion through her outburst. Becca was now pacing furiously around in front of him. 

“Are you done?” he asked with a raised eyebrow once she went quiet, giving her an option to continue her ridiculous strop. 

His words stopped her pacing in place. Her brown eyes whipped towards him and were coated in rage and betrayal, her chest was huffing rampantly, and her gel manicured nails were a beat away from drawing blood in her palms. 

Calmly he announced, “Yes I have feelings for Harper.” Becca’s jaw dropped at the admission. Ethan’s arms followed suit, fingers curling around the edge of his wooden desk as he continued, “Feelings of respect, admiration, and collegiality. Nothing else.”  

Humored blue met embarrassed brown. 

“But -” 

Ethan shook his head to stop her from the disastrous rumors plaguing her mind. “I don’t know what you saw. But it was most likely guilt -” He crossed the distance between them. “For keeping Naveen’s condition from her or for all the times I’ve made her run as Chief more difficult than it had to be.” Once he was but mere inches away he took each of her hands in his, forcibly removing her nails from her palms. “That’s all.” 

Becca didn’t mean to but she relaxed right into his touch. “You truly are an ass,” she grumbled.   

“Hopelessly, so,” he smirked, lacing their fingers together.  

Becca let out a large breath of air. “So there’s nothing between you?” She looked up at the towering and handsome man she has come to adore.  

“No.” His effervescent blue eyes trailed down to admire his Rookie. “We’re going to drum up business and secure outside funding for the clinic,” he addressed the obvious elephant in the room. “If I had been invited you’d undoubtedly be my plus one.” His crooked smile shone through, that one smile he reserves just for her. Ethan trailed his hands over the curves of her body and up to cup her cheeks. “How could anyone say no to this face,” he cooed, squishing the flawless flesh.  

“You’re one to talk,” Becca rolled her eyes. “You seem to be a master at it.”  

“I was working towards a PhD but decided against it.” 

Ethan leaned down to place a feathered kiss on the tip of her nose.   

________________________________________

Taglist: @ohchoices​​ @dulceghernandez​​​ @aylamreads​​ @binny1985​​​ @ramseysno1rookie​​​ @interobanginyourmom​​​ @queencarb​​​ @perriewinklenerdie​ @rookiefromedenbrook​​ @eramsey28​​ @choicesficwriterscreations​​ @heauxplesslydevoted​​ @schnitzelbutterfingers​​ @purpledragonturtles​​ @ramseyandrys​​​ @ermidc​​ @mrsdrakewalkerblog​​ @doilooklikeiknow​ @overwhelminglyaquarius​ @drethanramslay @edgiestwinter @rookieoh @lucy-268 @mvalentine @lilyvalentine @starrystarrytrouble @angela8756 @pitchblackstars @custaroonie @ezekielbhandarivalleros @sanchita012 @thegreentwin

[openheart]

Desperation (Ethan Ramsey x MC)

Warning: This fic contains spoilers of the (first version) of Open Heart: Second Year Chapter 10. If you don’t want to know what might happen, please stop reading. This fic also contains a lot of angst, trauma and a bit of swearing.

Otherwise... Enjoy my fic, it’s the first work that I’ve ever posted, so I’m excited and super grateful for everyone who takes the time to read, like or comment! :) Thank you! <3

Tag list: @queencarb @tsrookie @decadentwinnerjudgedream

Word count: 1.6 k

Part One

As a grown man of 37 years Ethan thought he knew how it felt when life suddenly took a dramatic turn for the worse. Even though he realized his feelings for a certain young doctor sometime during the past year, he never would have expected to be totally thrown off by his feelings.

After all, things finally seemed to take a turn for the better as Ethan mustered up enough courage to let himself become closer to the young resident. He himself started to initiate kisses and started opening up to her. And he certainly didn’t regret any of it. Although they left things unresolved after their passionate kiss just outside of his apartment several weeks ago, he didn’t fear what was to come. Seeing the hope and sheer happiness in Hailie’s eyes every time she looked at him, he was positive that they would find a way to make a relationship between the two of them work out.

But even then, after he allowed himself to spend so much more time with her, he couldn’t quite get himself to finally have that talk with her. He thought that they had all the time in the world… But he couldn’t have been more wrong.

Time is relative. You can never know how much time you’ve got left. That’s why you should take the time to do the things that are most important to you. Before it’s too late. Every day, every hour and even every second you wait could be too late…

And Ethan was going to learn that the hard way.

  Ethan approached the patient room of the diagnostics team. As soon as he stopped in front of the door, he placed his right hand on top of the doorhandle. He pushed it down and tried to push the door open, but it didn’t budge.

He peaked through the little windowpane that was embedded into the wood of the door.

“Rookie?”, he called out.

His eyes widened in shock and his whole body froze as he began to realize what he saw behind the windowpane.

Hailie and Rafael stood there, completely covered in some sort of oily dust.

All he could do, was mutter under his breath: “What the hell is this? What’s happening?” The panic in his voice was evident. Everything around him seemed to fade out until the only thing he could notice was the blood rushing in his ears, like a wild stream of ice-cold water.

A doctor passed him and greeted, but he didn’t realize. He startled as he heard a female voice calling out his name several times. It snapped him out of his trance. His vision refocused and though the blood rushing in his ears remained loud and clear, he was able to hear again.

“Doctor Ramsey, are you alright? What’s going on in there?”, he heard Dr. Trinh say.

Unable to form a coherent sentence, he only took a small step to the side so that the other doctor could look into the room.

She gasped and her eyes widened.

“Doctor, what is that?”, she asked with a quite shriek voice. Looking at the attending she realized that his brain was still paralyzed by the shocking sight.

“We have to do something, like call a code… Everyone must be notified; we have to help Rafael and Hailie!”

It was like the sound of her name flipped a switch inside Ethan’s brain. The numbness broke and he regained parts of his brain function.

“Page Naveen, Dr. Hirata and Dr. Baz Mirani, stat. And Doctor Emery, maybe she can help with her expertise.”

Dr. Trinh nodded and complied.

Ethan paced the hallway while he waited for the other doctors to arrive. He cradled his face in his hands. His mind was racing. There were so many thoughts occupying his mind that his brain couldn’t work. He couldn’t process anything. All he could do was pace the hallway.

That was until he felt two gentle but firm hands on his shoulders.

He looked up to see the face of his longtime mentor and friend. Naveens dark brown eyes were calm, but Ethan could see the concern in them.

“Ethan”, the older doctor spoke with a steady voice. “I need you to tell me what happened, so that we can help Mr. Aveiro and Dr. Scott.”

Ethan opened his mouth to respond, but he didn’t hear any words come out.

Naveens grip on Ethans shoulders tightened. “Son, take a deep breath. We’re going to handle this.”

Nodding slowly and taking in a deep breath, Ethan felt some of the pressure being released. His brain function came back and he somehow managed to tell Naveen everything he knew.

Ethan watched as his mentor and friend coordinated what to do. He told the nurse to page several attendings who would help Hailie and Rafael. But everything happened so slow. Later Ethan would wonder if it was an effect of the shock, or if everyone really was moving so slowly. In that moment though, he couldn’t think straight and he definitely couldn’t take seeing them not make any relevant progress.

The next words bursted out of his mouth.

„I’m going out of my mind here, Naveen. I don’t want to help; I have to help. God damn it… I need to help.”

The desperation in his voice made Naveen stop. He turned towards Ethan with a look of compassion. He knew his mentee well enough to know that standing by, watching, unable to do something himself was the biggest torture to Ethan. But as the Chief of Medicine, he couldn’t possibly let him treat any patients right now, especially not Hailie.

Naveen sighed and laid as much understanding as possible in his voice when he responded:  „That’s the exact reason why you won’t be able to help her. You’re not in the right state of mind to make medical decisions right now.”

Ethan wanted to disagree, but Naveen stopped him, gently resting a hand on his shoulder. „I know that you care for Hailie. You feel for her and not being able to do something to help her hurts you so much... I get that, Ethan.”

Giving his mentee and friend a meaningful look, the older man continued: „But this is not like the situation with Dolores… Or me, for that matter. There is hope for Hailie and there are people who can help her. You’re just not one of them right now.”

Ethan opened his mouth, beginning to protest, but Naveen cut him short. Giving him a strict look and a gentle but firm push, he said: „There’s no room for discussion here. You’ll take the rest of the day off. Stay in an on-call room, the waiting lounge for friends and family or grab a bite at the cafeteria. But I won’t see you on this floor until I page you. I’ll update you as soon as there’s more information. But now you’ll need to let me work, Ethan.”

There was probably no one who could have convinced Ethan to let go in a situation like this. Except for this man. His mentor and deep friend, who Ethan respected and loved, was able to convince him. Giving a weak nod, he slowly backed away from the door of the patient’s room. The door that separated him from Hailie.

He walked through the halls in a slow pace with slouched shoulders, like he was in trance. Hell, he really felt like he was in trance. This whole situation felt like he was living his worst nightmare with no chance of waking up. He couldn’t escape this.

Ethan didn’t know how it happened, but he found himself reaching the door of his office. He went inside and started the coffee machine. The sharp sound of the grinding of the coffee beans gave him something to focus on. Taking a mug from the shelf, he breathed in the smell of caffeine and felt like he had held on his breath since he saw Hailie lying there.

Instantly the image of her limb, lifeless body appeared in front of his eyes. He felt a sharp pain in his chest as he desperately tried to get the image out of his head.

With a small weak whimper full of desperation and angst he cried out: „Rookie…”

Ethan felt a pressure rising in his chest, moving higher. A lump formed in his throat while he felt a burning in his eyes. He looked at the mug in his hand that he’s been clinging onto like it was his anchor. Rubbing his thumb over the even surface of his mug he remembered the feel of her soft skin under his touch. She has made it so hard for him to resist her that he often thought his desire to touch her had reached its limits. Right then he knew that he was so wrong.

He longed to touch her so much that it physically hurt him to not be able to. He just needed to know that she would be alright, he needed to make sure of that. But he couldn’t.

As the pressure in his body threatened him to burst, he felt the coffee mug slipping out of his hand. He heard the shatter as the mug crashed onto the floor, but the sound came into his ears like he was under water. Everything seemed to be so far away, almost like Ethan wasn’t even in this world.

Feeling like the pressure that continuously rose inside him threatened him to burst, Ethan ran out of his office. He didn’t know where he could go, he just had to leave.

AN: I’m working on the second part. I’ll let y’all know whenever I know when it’ll be finished, but I’ve got a couple of exams coming up, so writing won’t be my top priority.

If anyone likes to be tagged or removed from my tag list, don’t be shy to comment or dm me :))

[brittle-bone-gabe]

Patched Up

Summary: After the first meeting with the League of Villains goes wrong, Hari has to stitch up the wound on Kai's forehead, whether he wanted him to or not.

Read on other platforms: AO3, FFN, Wattpad

Needless to say the meeting with the League of Villains didn’t quite turn out how Overhaul expected; he didn’t expect to use his Quirk against one of them, he didn’t expect to lose one of their own to them, and he certainly didn’t expect to get bashed in the skull. The trip back to the hideout was silent and longer than usual to make sure they weren’t being followed, that was the last thing they needed right now. The situation needed to cool off, even though Overhaul was the one to tell the League of Villains that he wasn’t sure if he could hold himself to that if they tried a sneak attack on them. The entire way back, the gash on his forehead didn’t stop bleeding, meaning he was going to need stitches. Wonderful. 

Even though the wound should have been Overhaul’s top priority, he was more worried about how filthy he was, as he was covered in dust, blood, and had people touching him. Disgusting. The last thing he needed was to become even more sick than he already was, coming to terms that since he had a Quirk he was, in fact, always sick. Not as sick as those who wanted to use their Quirks to be heroes or big time villains, but still sick. 

As much as Hari wanted to ask Kai how he was feeling and give him some comfort on the ordeal back with the League of Villains he knew better than to do it in front of the others. It wasn’t like they weren’t aware of their relationship, but that didn’t mean Kai could do whatever he wanted, he still had a reputation to uphold, meaning that they couldn’t show any feelings in a professional setting. It was rather unfortunate as Hari could tell how uncomfortable Kai was from the encounter. 

The second they made it back to the hideout Overhaul ordered everyone to get away from him, nobody took it to heart knowing how he got whenever any job got dirty. He went down the hallway with Hari following behind him in silence as they went to their room so Kai could get away from everyone else. While they were walking, Hari reached out to Kai, gently removing Kai’s bloody jacket, throwing it over his shoulder. It was a small gesture, but it made Kai feel understood. His entire life people told him he was overreacting over being touched or getting dirty, even when they saw him breakout it was ‘not a big deal.’ Meeting Hari and having him validate his emotions and working with his phobia was the best thing that happened to him.

Kai silently opened the door to their bedroom, taking a seat on the lone chair in the room so he wouldn’t get their bed dirty. He buried his face in his hands, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees. How did today go so wrong? It was expected that it wouldn’t have gone 100% as Kai planned, that’s why he brought all the backup, but he had no intention of going in there to kill anybody. That was honestly the last thing he wanted to do, given the aftermath on his Quirk when having to use it in close combat. 

“...so you had a rough day,” Hari finally said to break the silence, placing the jacket on their dresser so he could remember to wash it later. 

“And you missed a shot,” Kai snapped back, looking up from his hands. He would grow to regret his snarky comment, but right now he couldn’t control his filter. 

“Well…” Hari shrugged, trying to ignore the comment as he knew that he didn’t mean it, “hard to pinpoint an accurate shot when your target is moving, huh?”  

Kai let out a frustrated sigh, sitting back in the chair. He wiped the blood out of his eye, the wound’s bleeding started to slow down a little bit but was still going at it, confirming that it was going to need stitches. Stitches were the worst thing to get in Kai’s opinion, they were too easy to get infected. Plus it would leave an ugly scar… 

“Can I look?” Kai was so lost in his thoughts he didn’t even notice Hari was standing next to him. He looked up at him with a bit of a dazed look as if he wasn’t sure what he was referring to. “Your…” Hari tapped his own forehead where the wound on Kai’s was to get his point across. 

“It’s fine.” 

“It’s still bleeding.” 

“...It’s fine. Don’t touch me.” 

Hari held his hands up slightly to show that he wasn’t going to harm or touch him, even though he didn’t make any moves that indicated that he was going to touch him, but whatever. 

“I’m not, I’m not.” Hari paused for a second. “Do you want anything?” 

Again, Kai went silent, not purposely ignoring Hari, but because he was lost in his thoughts again, reflecting on what he could’ve done to prevent what happened today. It was obvious their leader wasn’t up for the leadership position, from their small interaction Kai could pick up that he was rather childish and immature. How could anyone follow someone like that? They needed someone like him who had a plan and could lead them in the right direction. He had the plan, they had the resources… What was the problem? 

Kai jumped upon feeling the cool washcloth gently running over his forehead, that certainly shook him out of his thoughts. How zoned out had he’d been that he didn’t even notice Hari going into their bathroom to get the washcloth? As much as Kai wanted to push him away and yell at him for touching him he didn’t, that wouldn’t help solve anything, besides, he didn’t like doing that to Hari it wasn’t fair. 

“I told you I was fine…” Kai mumbled, resisting the urge to swat his arm away. 

“And I know you’re not fine,” Hari countered, moving the cloth from his forehead to wipe the blood from his eye and face. “You…” Hari let out a defeated sigh, dropping his arm, he could feel Kai glaring at him. “I told you before that there’s nothing wrong with asking for help-”

“But I didn’t ask for help, I can do things by myself.” 

Why was it so difficult for Kai to ask for help? Well… because he wasn’t the helpless little kid he used to be before the Boss took him in. He was more than capable of taking care of himself and watching his own back. Yeah… right. If it weren’t for the Eight Bullets tonight then Overhaul may have gotten himself killed instead of one of the disposables. 

Hari couldn’t help but scoff, rolling his eyes. “Oh, really? You’re going to stitch that up yourself?” Humoring himself in a way, he was waiting for Kai to snap back at him, but he didn’t. In fact, he was looking rather miserable right now. “Kai?” Hari started again, “do you need help with that?” 

Normally Hari wouldn’t hesitate to get started on patching Kai up, but when he was in a bad mood like this it was unpredictable of what he would do. Maybe he’d silently take the help or push him away. Neither of those outcomes were ideal since usually if he was silent he was holding in his anger, a habit that he refuses to break, no matter how many times Hari told him that bottling emotions wasn’t healthy. 

“...Fine,” Kai huffed, folding his arms over his chest, sitting back in his chair. 

“Are you sur-”

“Yes!” He snapped, looking away from Hari, who stood up to get the first aid kit. 

It was amazing how much Hari could handle when Kai was in this type of mood, the majority of people in relationships wouldn’t put up with it, but then again most people weren’t dating the captain of the Shie Hassaikai and couldn’t imagine what stress he was going through. That didn’t automatically make it okay, but it was an explanation for it. Emotions were an in the moment type of thing, something that Kai never learned to fully control; for the longest time Kai buried his emotions and refused to show them, the moment he began to express them is when they took control of his mind. When they took control it was hard for him to calm down and think things through. 

A moment after the sink turned off from the bathroom was when Hari walked back into the room wearing latex gloves, the needle driver and the needle in his hands. It wouldn’t take long for him to patch Kai up, only two or three stitches at least to get the wound closed up.

“My hands are clean, see?” Hari held up his gloved hands before Kai asked about them, the last thing he needed from this was an infection. Kai let out a deep, defeated sigh, either he’d get an infection from the stitches or from not getting it treated, so either way he couldn’t seem to win. “It’s not so bad, I promise.” 

He moved to stand over Kai, using the knuckle of his index finger to tilt his chin up slightly so he could see at a better angle. The cool washcloth once again ran over Kai’s forehead to catch and clean up the new blood oozing from the wound. Kai was lucky that Hari knew how to do stitches, he wouldn’t take the help from anybody else. Maybe from a licensed doctor, he wouldn’t risk going to a doctors office or a hospital, the chances of him getting sick would jump significantly. 

Hari got to work right away so as not to upset Kai by taking too long, he had barely flinched when the needle was pushed through his skin. The last thing they needed was him getting antsy while a needle was so close to his eye. 

“Two stitches, that’s it,” Hari updated as he secured the knot of the first stitch. Great. They were halfway done. 

“I know what you’re thinking…” Kai mumbled, looking up at Hari, who had no idea what he was talking about. 

“What?” He tried to keep focused on what he was doing, but he could feel Kai’s piercing golden eyes looking through him like daggers and it began to make him feel nervous. “You have no idea what I’m thinking.” 

“You think I can’t take care of myself.” 

Kai’s words took Hari back, he had no idea what he was talking about or where it even came from. Not once did Hari say or even imply that Kai couldn’t take care of himself, he knew he could, very well, in fact. Hari could only chuckle in response. 

“I’m pretty sure you’re overthinking again,” he commented. Kai hummed as if he didn’t believe him, shifting his eyes to focus on the wall from the opposite side of the room. “You know I don’t think that at all.”

“Didn’t you just say I have no idea what you’re thinking?”

Whether or not Kai was thinking out loud or purposely trying to piss him off Hari couldn’t tell, but it was doing exactly that.

“You forget I’m the one holding the needle,” Hari calmly reminded him. As much as he wanted to jab the needle as hard as he could into Kai’s skull over that comment he somehow restrained himself.

“Despite what you think, I’m completely capable of taking care of myself.” The tension on his forehead where Hari began to tie up the final stitch felt more intense, it wasn’t long before he let out a surprise yelp as Hari purposely finished tying up the knot tighter and more aggressive than he could have. “What?” Kai asked, feeling the area around the stitches without actually touching them. 

“I don’t think that. I know you can handle yourself, I’ve seen how you’ve grown and how hard you’ve worked to get where you are now.” 

Kai didn’t say anything, there was nothing he could say and he knew fully well that he had more to go off on. 

“They were stupid not to make a deal with you today. You’re more than capable of taking charge and making plans.” 

Hari slipped off the slightly blood stained gloves, stuffing them in his pocket before reaching out to put a hand on Kai’s head, bringing him closer until his face was resting against his chest. Kai knew he had to stop letting his emotions and overthinking cause such a strain on their relationship, it wasn’t fair for Hari to put up with this. 

“I’m…” Kai trailed off before he could fully apologize, something he also had trouble doing, even when it mattered. 

“It’s okay. I forgive you.”

[aelaer]

The Blood in Our Veins (a serial)

I had Part 3 partially written out since March, but inspiration struck from the middle of nowhere and I was able to complete it last night. Everyone tagged asked to be tagged months ago, just let me know if you want to be added/removed from the update tag list. Earlier parts linked for convenience as it’s been ages and a lot of you probably don’t remember parts 1 and 2, haha. Apologies for length if you’re on mobile without a working cut tag.

Prompt (via @ironstrangeprompts): Kidnapped to play doctor for a still unseen other prisoner; Stephen realizes there is only one person on the planet who would have palladium in their blood.

This is unbetaed; apologies for any errors.

Part 1 | Part 2 |

Part 3 - Signs Were Not Really That Scarce

Doctor Baar was going to sleep, but Doctors Ferguson and Weston (Jada and Summer, Stephen reminded himself) kept him busy immediately upon waking him up. The former had him prepping more slides and helping input her handwritten data into the computer, while with the latter he started the loose beginnings of a plan for surgery with the incomplete picture they had. 

By the time another two hours had ticked by and he was working again with Doctor Mahajan on prepping yet more samples, Stephen was doing all in his power to focus on the repetitive tasks at hand rather than let his mind wander to consider his circumstances.

He was very good at focusing; he always had been. It was partially his power of intense concentration and attention to detail that he was able to perform surgeries that others simply didn't have the skills to perform. Despite his relatively short career thus far, he was already making a name for himself amongst his peers.

But at this point in Stephen's life, that type of focus was for challenging surgical cases and putting his mind to work towards new and improved techniques in the neurosurgical field. On the other hand, the relative monotony of lab technician work could only distract him from his thoughts for so long. And as the minutes ticked by, Stephen was starting to feel the crawling anxiety of the unknown inch forward.

He forced himself to slowly inhale, then exhale. He did it again for good measure. Then he pushed his wandering thoughts towards something calm and more meditative. This turned him to mentally reviewing as many recent studies as he could recall reading within the larger medical field.

Immediately the papers of his fellow abductees came to mind, and Stephen pushed past those to the unrelated papers he could remember. And there were plenty of those, enough he could recall to categorize them by specialty. His near-eidetic memory certainly helped there—and it was more interesting than listing off the discographies of all artists on Billboard's Top 100 of 1981.

This exercise began helping quickly. His memory did not have these papers memorized word for word, but he could remember the important bits of the study and he began to recite them in his head. What part of his mind wasn't focused on Doctor Mahajan's slides went through the names of doctors, the titles, the summaries, and whatever little details he could recall from his readings over the last year.

The neurology papers came first to mind, naturally. Recalling all new research over the last several months put him at ease; it was in this realm that his own ideas began to take root, drawing from the conclusions of other neurosurgeons to develop his own hypotheses to begin research on later.

But Stephen had no place to jot down his stray musings, which brought reminder to his situation again. Before any anxiety about his situation could take root again, he instead abandoned neurology to remember papers in other fields, even as his nimble fingers continued transferring the blood samples to slides, each labeled accordingly.

He planned on continuing as such without pause until all blood tests had been prepped (and the amount of testing and the speed of results that was being accomplished for a single man was truly phenomenal). But Stephen's hand suddenly jerked, nearly ruining one of the samples.

Doctor Mahajan stood just to his right and, at such proximity, noticed. "Doctor Strange? Are you alright?"

Stephen didn't process her question immediately; his brain was still reeling from his sudden realization. His mind was in the middle of citing a recent cardiothoracic study when he remembered another article. It wasn't even a study in the normal sense of the word, but rather a look at the miraculous ways a body can survive trauma and the modern technology used to help in the process. One part of the article covered the miraculous survival of—

"Tony Stark," he murmured aloud. 

Doctor Mahajan sent him an alarmed look. "Not so loud!" she hissed.

Stephen blinked, then looked back at her. He ignored her comment, but made sure to keep his voice low. "I remember reading about the technology he used to keep shrapnel from his heart. It had a palladium core, the implant. We're trying to keep Tony Stark alive, aren't we?"

"Don't talk about it," she snapped back in a whisper. She refused to look at him.

Stephen paused and frowned at her. What the hell was her problem? "Do you have an issue with me?" he asked the Brit, his voice unconsciously rising in his irritation.

Doctor Mahajan shook her head but continued to avoid looking at him. "Just—just leave me alone."

Before he could say anything (and what could he say to that?) he heard "Stephen," come from behind him. He turned and Jada was there. "Summer needs your help in making out something on an X-ray. I'll continue assisting Doctor Mahajan."

With one last frown at Doctor Mahajan, Stephen nodded to Jada and made his way to the cardiothoracic surgeon on the other side of the room. When he reached her, he asked, "What is it?" There was no X-ray pulled up on the computer.

"Doctor Mahajan is on the verge of a panic attack," Summer explained softly. "Jada recognized it. She'll help calm her down."

Unwelcome guilt edged into his conscience. "I didn't know."

"We know," she reassured him. "We're not blaming you. Meera won't, either. But she has rather bad anxiety that is more sensitive right now for, well, obvious reasons."

Probably what the medication was for, Stephen presumed. "I didn't mean to trigger an attack."

She nodded. "I know," she repeated. "What did you say? We'll want to avoid whatever it was in the future."

He cleared his throat and then lowered his voice further. "I figured out who on earth would have continuous palladium poisoning. His name did it."

Summer exhaled and nodded. "It was only a matter of time before you figured it out."

Stephen frowned once more. "You know the patient is Tony Stark?"

"Everyone does," she answered in a whisper, "but we don't mention it. I'd not say his name again, either; we haven't figured out if there are microphones in here or how strong they might be. We don't know if they care that we've figured it out." And after saying that, she opened the actual X-rays on her computer and shuffled through her notepad to look busy. 

Stephen took her lead and stepped closer to look at her notepad as if reading it. "I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that others would remember the news—about what was told of the procedure that saved his life," he said. "There was nothing written indicating any reaction to the palladium core, though."

Summer shrugged. "He never mentioned it. I looked through every mention of his procedure I could find when they were first published, and there weren't many. The patient only gave his version of events and never let any doctor closely study it, from my understanding." She pursed her lips. "It was the X-rays that gave it away for me, at least."

"I was reciting medical papers I could remember. A cardiothoracic study nudged my memory to one of those articles that came out last year about his survival." Stephen pressed his lips together into a thin line. "But with the last newscast I heard about the patient a few days ago, I honestly should have thought of him sooner."

She pretended to write something down. "Kidnapped two times in a year's time," she murmured. "That's rough. Do you remember when they reported him missing on the news?"

"March 20th," he said. Stephen recalled easily; Tony Stark's disappearance during a race in India was all anyone was talking about for a week. "So just over a month ago."

She nodded and flipped to another X-ray photo. "Fits the timeline of how long Steffen and Jada have been here, too. They came a few days after that, if I recall correctly."

Stephen nodded and, as he stared blankly at the X-ray, found himself falling into his thoughts. Tony Stark—until very recently a weapons manufacturer, and who, until very recently, Stephen would have turned away if given the chance. Granted, he wasn't quite at the point where he could easily turn away patients to other neurosurgeons. He was certain he'd be there in two to three years in both the level of demand for his services and his influence with the hospital's administration. But even then, even as a neurosurgeon who was still growing in prestige, if someone had asked him a year ago if he wanted to operate on Tony Stark, he would have said no.

That was a year ago. That was before Tony Stark got kidnapped by terrorists for three months and came back ending all weapons production in his company. That was before he became some sort of—Stephen didn't want to use the word superhero, but he didn't know what else to call it.

Stephen had no idea what he thought of Tony Stark now. He had little reason to consider him beyond the gossip on TV and within the office. But now here he was, forced to be part of a team to help keep him alive.

Mind boggling.

He exhaled softly and focused again on the cropped X-ray on the screen. His opinion on the billionaire, whatever it was, hardly mattered right then. Whether he wished it or not, Tony Stark was his patient and as such, he would do his best to perform his duty as a doctor. Whether that meant simply helping out with samples or performing what would be a long and complicated surgery remained to be seen.

— — — — — —

The race in India is from a ridiculous limited edition tie-in comic that I could only find information about on the 2010 timeline on the MCU Wiki. It made a great plot device though.

I figure I’ll also say that Tony’s coming in the next chapter. I have a few hundred words written on that, but I’m still trying to figure out just how badly I want to treat the protagonists and if I’m the bad guys are just going to start murdering doctors. And all named characters in this series, canon and OC, have PhDs, so there’s lots of doctors to potentially murder.

Lil tidbit: When I realized that this prompt fill was going to become A Monster, I knew I wanted each part to have a name. So before publishing the first part, I went through my Spotify favorites and wrote down all my favorite lyrics in a document. This document has now grown into nearly 5,000 words of possible lyric titles for chapters and fics.

(Feel free to try and guess where the titles come from if you want. The serial name and each part are full or partial lyrics from favorite songs)

Tag list: @sobeautifullyobsessed, @tashacumberbitch @babywarg, @nishtha3012, @ragingstillness, @walkin-in-the-cosmos, @lafourmii20, @asexualchemist, @iveneverbeenmorestressedinmylife, @oo0-will-of-the-wisp-0oo , @animefanfreak45

Let me know if you want to be tagged for future updates in a comment (as it won't be on AO3 for a while and has no steady update schedule planned). Or let me know if you want to be removed.